Tag Archives: values

Self- Care

Empowering Advice to Get on a Pathway from Suffering to Surrendering

Estimated reading time: 12 minutes

Discover how simple advice helps you move from suffering to surrendering. Understand how acceptance, positivity, and gratitude lead you to personal growth and a more fulfilling life.

This blog post is about how I learned to shift my mindset from suffering to surrendering.

Table of contents

Surrendering to Life’s Difficulties

Learning to surrender in personal development helps us cope with life’s difficulties, especially when we feel overwhelmed or out of control.

The process involves accepting what is beyond our power, allowing ourselves time and space to grieve and heal, and ultimately growing from the experience and developing more trust in life.

Surrendering when life gets difficult doesn’t mean giving up. Instead, it’s about taking a step back and accepting your circumstances with humility and understanding.

By surrendering, you’ll be able to take the burden off your shoulders and rely on something greater than yourself to get through whatever difficulties you’re facing.

A Pathway to Self-Love from Suffering to Surrendering

We all experience times of suffering in our lives. Sometimes, suffering is inevitable. Continuing to suffer is a choice.

After radically changing my life in February 2018, my family and I suffered. Blowing up my life and living in the ashes sent me spiraling into an identity crisis, and negative self-talk triggered low self-esteem.

I suffered because of a lack of confidence in my choices and constantly questioned myself. I longed to feel good in my own skin while fighting to hang on to what I used to be, not fully aware of what I wanted to become. It was a difficult time all around.

Mother’s Day Gift

Enjoying a cup of tea in my Zen Den.

On Mother’s Day, my youngest daughter bought me a beautiful coffee mug. Although we were living with the consequences of my choices, she was proud of me for the changes I made and supported my decisions.

The logo on the mug says, ‘TOTALLY the best teacher ever!’ with a gold embossed heart. When she gave me the mug, she told me she was sad for the people most affected by my decisions but proud of me for choosing to live the life I wanted.

She said I am her best teacher, and she is happy for me and loves me.

We then spent the day doing a home beauty day with candles. We indulged in face masks and pedicures, drank pots of tea, enjoyed homemade chocolate-covered strawberries, and read poetry about empowering women.

Given our circumstances, we had a wonderful day together in complete awe and appreciation of each other.

This is one of my most favorite memories from that time in our lives.

The shared moments during that single day in 2018 left me looking in the bathroom mirror in a state of appreciation for the hard work I faced in the coming months.

Feeling more in my own skin after a day of self-care and love with my daughter.

Fast forward to December 30th, 2022, I was standing in my kitchen washing the coffee mug. It slipped from my hands, hit the side of the sink, and cracked. I immediately picked it up and filled it with water to test if it leaked. Instead, the water leaked out from the point of impact along the side to the bottom. I was devastated.

Truth be told, I’ve spent several years focusing on decluttering the things from my life that no longer serve me or create value. I held onto this mug, and it served me well. Every morning it felt like a warm hug from my daughter.

Life Lesson

At the very moment it broke, I burst into tears. My partner rushed into the kitchen, not knowing if I had hurt myself or what had happened. I showed him the mug, and he let out a deep sigh, ‘oh no,’ and consoled me. I was grieving and felt the pain of suffering at the soul level. After collecting myself, I realized the source of my grief.

It was just a mug, but it represented a time in my life when there was immense suffering with moments of joy. We struggled and suffered when my daughter scraped and saved to purchase this mug for me from her part-time earnings. At this time in our lives, all our earnings went from hand to mouth. She made sacrifices to give me this gift.

Reflection

Looking back, I saw myself at that time in my life. My mental well-being crumbled, low self-esteem haunted me, and I longed for a better life with strong foundations.

Four years later, standing in the kitchen holding the broken mug, my initial grief was about everything in our lives when I received the mug and the following events. After a few minutes, the tears of sorrow turned to tears of joy once I realized where I was in life and what it took to get me here.

I no longer suffered as I had back then. I felt joy for my own journey I took to self-discovery and the important lessons I learned about the importance of self-love. Today, I understand the importance of self-care, connecting with my authentic self, and love.  

After my daughter and I spent the best Mother’s Day together, I realized I was stuck in a cycle of suffering. I needed a different way with simple steps to face the challenges ahead. My family had become settled and secure, so it felt like the right time to let go and discover new things to embark on a journey to self-love, release the suffering, and embrace moments of joy.

This decision was echoed by something as simple as a mug, reminding me of the importance of surrendering and no longer struggling. More importantly, affirming that surrendering, like suffering, is a choice. I am grateful.

How to Stop Suffering and Live a Joyful Life

Suffering is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn’t have to define you. Changing your mindset, learning healthy coping skills, practicing self-care and mindfulness, connecting with supportive people, and taking action toward positive changes helps you break free from suffering and start living a more joyful life.

A Path to Stop Suffering: How to Make Different Choices

Are you struggling to love yourself, trusting your authentic power and self-expression? It’s time to recognize, accept, and nurture the unique gifts you bring to the world!

Embark on a self-love journey and learn how to access the strength within to help you surrender suffering and reclaim confidence in your own capability.

These are the steps I took when starting my journey to stop suffering and start surrendering:

  1. Recognizing your feelings and acknowledging your power to heal.
  2. Practicing self-compassion and opening yourself up to love.
  3. Learning to recognize unhealthy patterns causing suffering.
  4. Shifting from resistance to surrender by becoming vulnerable.

Recognize Your Feelings and Acknowledge Your Power to Heal

Start by recognizing your feelings and acknowledging you have the power to heal yourself. Then, focus on taking care of your own needs while cultivating your true strengths to live an inspired life.

Take time for self-reflection, tuning into yourself, and becoming aware of how you feel in your body and mind. Ask questions to help you better understand yourself and explore any underlying beliefs or patterns blocking your path to real self-love.

These are some of my favorite ways to engage in activities to help you create meaning in your life:

  • Taking care of your physical needs.
  • Practicing gratitude for the good in your life.
  • Setting boundaries for yourself.
  • Discover meaningful ways to give back or support others.

Practice Self-Compassion and Open Yourself Up to Love

When we are on the path to self-love, we must practice self-compassion. Self-compassion is an important part of your mental health and mental well-being. This means cutting yourself some slack and understanding that your mistakes do not define you.

Show kindness towards yourself by being gentle with yourself when moving forward and strive to nurture yourself through difficult emotions.

Open yourself up to receiving love and support from others and be willing to accept compliments and help. Additionally, practicing self-care activities with a little thing each day, like listening to music, reading a book, taking a warm bath, or going for a walk, helps you feel relaxed and grounded.

When taking care of your own needs becomes a priority in your busy schedule, the trajectory of your life will change.

A daily practice of meditation or journaling is an excellent way to practice self-love. Spend some time each day focusing on positive affirmations and reminding yourself of all the good things in your life.

Taking time for yourself each day to journal helps to create the narrative for the life you want to live and keeps you focused.

It’s easy to get caught up in negative and destructive thinking. But by showing yourself compassion and doing activities that bring joy, you cultivate a strong sense of self-love, unconditional love, and appreciation.

You learn to make better choices for yourself and your well-being.

Self-care is key and helps build self-love. Here are tips for self-love inspiration:

  • Be gentle when approaching each individual step while still challenging and pushing yourself.
  • Investing time into ourselves is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves and those we love.
  • Honor who you are when pursuing a pathway toward compassion, understanding, empowerment, and self-love.

All these steps are beneficial towards cultivating self-love and helping you to understand you are worthy of love and respect.

Learn to Recognize Unhealthy Patterns that Cause Suffering

A crucial step in your path to self-love is recognizing and understanding any patterns, habits, or beliefs that keep you stuck in the cycle of suffering. These unhealthy patterns get in the way of having a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.

Unhealthy patterns cause us to feel anxious, overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves. As a first step to regaining control of our lives, we must learn how to recognize these patterns and replace them with positive, uplifting beliefs that promote healthy self-care.

Practicing mindful meditation and visualization techniques helps reduce stress and reconnect us with our inner strength.

Creating a vision board with clips for the life you want to live, and who you want to become keeps you focused on your self-love journey.

To help identify any unhealthy patterns, journaling is a great tool. Take time each day to note and reflect on any thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that cause discomfort.

With regular practice, you’ll become more aware of how these negative habits arise in your daily life, allowing you to take proactive steps to challenge them.

By learning how to recognize these patterns that keep us from feeling happy and fulfilled in our lives, we lay the groundwork for building an enduring relationship with ourselves and others based on kindness and love.

This post explores a process to transition from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset:

How to Transform Your Fixed Mindset into a Growth Mindset

Shifting from Resistance to Surrendering by Becoming Vulnerable

The process of shifting from resistance to surrendering begins by becoming willing to be vulnerable and letting go of the need to control everything in our lives.

Accepting that there will be times of suffering, pain, and uncertainty without trying to push away or ignore it allows us to open up more deeply to ourselves and invites a greater level of self-compassion.

Becoming familiar with our own vulnerability helps us recognize it in others and can help forge powerful, compassionate relationships with those around us.

Learning how to make space for joy and sorrow and recognizing that we can be strong even when we’re weak gives us the permission to experience greater self-love. It allows us to simultaneously accept our seemingly contradictory emotions while helping us allow love into our lives.

On a spiritual level, becoming vulnerable helps us recognize that there is a bigger source of love in the Universe beyond what we can give ourselves alone.

This blog post shares my story about re-discovering myself and how I started my self-care journey:

How Powerful Life Lessons Transformed Me from Wounded Healer to Spiritual Warrior

Summary

It might feel like there’s no end in sight if you’re having a hard time. But it is possible to overcome your suffering and move forward.

To shift your mindset from suffering to surrendering involves accepting your current situation and embracing positive thoughts. Embarking on a journey to self-love and gratefulness.

With these steps, you will transition from struggling to surrendering.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

Self- Care

How to Achieve Inner Peace and Live a Fulfilled Life

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Living a fulfilled life can bring you joy and contentment and help you to achieve inner peace that will make every day worth living.

Having the right attitude, rediscovering your authentic self, and understanding how to get the most out of life are essential steps on the journey toward a meaningful and satisfying life.

In this blog post, I share my stories and the valuable life lessons I have learned to help others achieve inner peace and live a fulfilled life.

Table of contents

  • Make Time for Yourself
  • Start Practicing Mindfulness to Achieve Inner Peace
  • Detach from Negativity and Stressful Situations
  • Express Gratitude and Appreciation for What You Have in Your Life
  • Spend Time Doing Things to Uplift Your Spirits
  • Consciously Choosing to Achieve Inner Peace
  • Live a Fulfilled Life
  • Surrender to Intuition
  • Choose Love on Your Path to Achieve Inner Peace
  • Get Started with 6 Resources to Achieve Inner Peace
  • Summary

    Make Time for Yourself

    Fulfilling your dreams and achieving inner peace means taking time for yourself. This is essential if you want to tune into your own needs and focus on self-care and self-love.

    Schedule time in your day to do something that brings you joy – read a book, go for a walk, learn something new, talk to a friend or engage in other activities that center around your well-being.

    Start small and gradually increase the time you set aside until it’s an ingrained part of your daily routine. Grounding in your authentic self is the key to happiness. From a space of honoring ourselves, we are more likely to make choices in our best interests to become the person we desire to become.

    Start Practicing Mindfulness to Achieve Inner Peace

    Mindfulness is a scientifically-proven way to reduce stress and enhance inner peace. It helps you tap into an awareness of your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.

    You can practice mindfulness by sitting in a quiet place, focusing on your breath, and being aware of when your mind starts to wander. Every time it does, gently bring your focus back to the present moment.

    When done regularly, mindfulness can profoundly impact how you relate to yourself and the world around you.

    Detach from Negativity and Stressful Situations

    We all encounter challenging situations, so it’s important to learn how to detach from negativity and stressful situations. Being mindful of your emotions helps you observe rather than react.

    • Start by recognizing your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations during times of elevated stress, and then give yourself some space from the situation.
    • Taking some time to step away can help you reframe the problem, respond consciously and effectively, and create inner peace in your life.
    • Detaching from negativity and stressful situations takes commitment and practice. A good place to start is with our physical spaces.

    Express Gratitude and Appreciation for What You Have in Your Life

    Taking time to recognize the abundance already present in your life can go a long way in creating a sense of inner peace. Gratitude is not only positive for your mental well-being, but it’s also scientifically proven to boost physical health and improve your overall outlook on life!

    Practicing gratitude allows us to place value on experiences, open up more options, and enjoy what we have instead of worrying about what we don’t have.

    So take a moment each day to express appreciation for all the incredible things you have in life – both big and small!

    Spend Time Doing Things to Uplift Your Spirits

    Developing the habit of doing things specifically for yourself is essential for creating a balanced and nourishing life.

    Schedule some free time each week to enjoy activities that lift your spirits, bring you joy, and make you feel content.

    Whether it’s exploring a new hobby, reading your favorite book, writing in your journal, taking a yoga class, or anything else that makes your heart sing.

    Commit to making time for activities that leave you feeling at peace.

    Consciously Choosing to Achieve Inner Peace

    When it comes to finding inner peace, making conscious choices is key. Every decision we make moves us closer to or further away from our goal of peace. That’s why it’s important to be mindful of the choices we make, both big and small.

    Everything matters, from the food we eat and the people we spend our time with to the thoughts we think and the words we speak. By being more conscious and deliberate in our choices, we can gradually create more peace in our lives.

    Consciously choosing the relationships and conversations we have with others influences our inner peace and well-being.

    Live a Fulfilled Life

    A fulfilled life is one in which a person has achieved their goals and feels satisfied. Conversely, an unfulfilled life may be one where a person feels they have not accomplished what they set out to do or that their life lacks purpose.

    The question of what constitutes a fulfilled life is one that thinkers have pondered throughout history. Many different factors contribute to a fulfilled life, and what matters most will vary from individual to individual.

    However, some common threads can be identified. A sense of purpose, meaningful relationships, and a feeling of contentment are all important ingredients in a fulfilled life.

    • Purpose gives our lives direction and meaning. It is something to strive for and look back on with pride.
    • Relationships provide support, love, and companionship. They help us weather the ups and downs of life and add richness to our experiences.
    • Contentment is a state of mind that allows us to appreciate what we have rather than constantly striving for more.

    Choosing to Live NOW

    We don’t need to wait for a magic moment to live a fulfilled life. The option is right in front of us each day.

    Some days we may feel down, lonely, or generally unsatisfied. This is okay and normal. Remembering life happens includes giving ourselves permission to work through emotions and experiences as they arise.

    What is important is finding a small win on the days when we feel less than extraordinary. If the win is getting out of bed, having a shower, or making better choices on our plate, that’s a win!

    Surrender to Intuition

    Surrendering to our inner voice and intuition can be a difficult thing to do.

    Our society tells us to be logical and rational and not to listen to our “gut feelings.” However, when we take the time to quiet our minds and really listen, we may find that our intuition is trying to tell us something important.

    There is a reason so many people say, “trust your gut.” Our intuition is there for a reason. Our intuition is a way for our higher selves to communicate with us. When we align with our true selves, we can trust that our intuition will guide us in the right direction.

    Surrendering to our inner voice and intuition requires us to let go of the need to control everything. It can be scary to give up control, but when we do, we open ourselves up to limitless possibilities. We may find that the guidance we receive from within is exactly what we need to create the life we desire.

    Choose Love on Your Path to Achieve Inner Peace

    One of the best life lessons for personal development and growth is staying positive through tough times. It’s easy to be negative when things go wrong, but staying positive and choosing love first, will help you get through the tough times and become stronger on the other side.

    Another important life lesson is to learn from your mistakes. We all make them, but it’s important to learn from them so we don’t keep making the same ones repeatedly.

    Finally, another great life lesson is to be grateful for what you have. It’s easy to take things for granted, but being grateful for the good things in your life will help you appreciate them even more.

    Get Started with 6 Resources to Achieve Inner Peace

    The following blog posts share life lessons and strategies for choosing love by setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and embracing ourselves wholeheartedly:

    Summary

    A positive attitude, a sense of self-awareness, and an understanding of how to get the most out of life are essential steps on the journey toward a meaningful and satisfying life.

    A positive attitude allows you to see the good in every situation and to find the silver lining in every cloud.

    A sense of self-awareness helps you to know who you are and what is important to you.

    And an understanding of how to get the most out of life can help you make the most of your time and talents.

    You have everything you need to achieve inner peace and live a fulfilled life. This reality is something that many people struggle with, and it can be hard to figure out how to achieve contentment and joy.

    However, by learning some life lessons and developing healthy relationships, you can come home to yourself and find inner peace.

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Until next time,

    Suzanne

    Related Topics

Personal Growth

How Giving Up What I Thought I Wanted Gave Me What I Needed

Estimated reading time: 19 minutes

It can be easy to become laser-focused on what we think we want in life. So we read about it, daydream about it, and work towards making it a reality. Living in a state of constant desire, we search for that one opportunity to lead us to what we want.

But sometimes, no matter how much effort we put into manifesting our desires, they remain just out of reach. In these moments, it’s important to remember that something better might be waiting for us, and maybe we aren’t looking in the right places.

This blog post shares my journey from living on auto-pilot to living fully.

Table of contents

Letting Go

It sounds counterintuitive but giving up what we want can actually help us get what we need.

We may think that holding on to our current state while daydreaming about our desires and goals is the key to achieving them, but sometimes letting go is the best way forward.

For me, giving up what I thought I wanted gave me what I needed. I used to think all I wanted was a successful career and a comfortable life. But after years of chasing that dream, I realized it wasn’t making me happy.

So, I decided to focus on other, more important things, like my relationships and health.

Background

I’ve always been a dreamer.

As a child, I would daydream about becoming a veterinarian, a marine biologist, or a secretary to a powerful man like Sky was to JR on Dallas.

I read books about my desired occupations and even began taking steps to make them realities. I remember how proud I was to take my first typing class. Finally, I was closer to who I wanted to become.

I used to think that to be happy, I needed X. So, whenever something didn’t go my way or I felt down, all I could think about was how getting X would make everything better.

Of course, there were times when things did work out, and I got what I wanted – but it never made me as happy as I thought it would.

More often than not, getting what I thought I wanted only led to disappointment. Nowadays, however, things are different.

Living on Auto-Pilot

I was a parent at nineteen years old, married with a second child at twenty-five years old, and hustling for a career. I decided on a career in criminal justice, then mediation, then teaching, and now teaching and writing.

We had a mortgage, car payments, insurance policies, a satellite subscription, and Tupperware.

We hustled to pay our bills each week, shuttle the kids to their activities, clean the house, do the yard work, walk the dogs, and prepare meals for the following week ahead.

By the time I was thirty, I was exhausted and felt in a constant state of fear.

Looking back now, I see how my fears directly tied to how I lived. We had a beautiful home, a healthy family, and an abundance around us.

But, within me, I had a nagging feeling I was constantly forgetting something important.

Catalyst for Change

In 2018, I took my very first vacation away from my family. I joined extended family members in Huatulco, Mexico, for a week of heavenly bliss. While I was away, I noticed things.

Here’s what I learned from my observations:

  • Changing your physical space changes your state.
  • Nourishing your body fuels your soul.
  • Readiness attracts resources.
  • Wherever there’s light, there are shadows.
  • Reconnecting becomes reattachment.
  • Freedom emerges when there’s peace.
  • With clarity comes strength.
  • Living our values is living fulfilled.
  • Trusting our intuition leads us home.
  • Failing forward is still progress.
Huatulco, Mexico

Giving Up the Goal and Calling Attention to Consciously Living

I have always felt connected to everything around me. Growing up surrounded by the natural environment conditioned me to listen to the natural world.

Throughout my early adult years, I recognized my heightened state of awareness. I also realized my heightened state of arousal, which isn’t always positive, but I have learned to find an equilibrium between both states.

When I was away in Mexico, I noticed things that changed my life. Some call it signs or messages, and others say divine intervention. It’s our internal vibration for our soul’s desires and the Universe responding to our energy.

Giving up Consistency and Changing Your Physical Space Changes Your State

We were staying at an all-inclusive resort. Bustling with families and people enjoying their vacation, there was a cacophony of joy and happiness all around me. Yet, inside me, I felt stillness and calm. It was quiet. I remember standing on the beach watching a wedding and thinking, “why is it so quiet?”

We were up early and at the beach on the first morning of our vacation. Day one is always full of immense energy. Visiting, food, drinks, laughing, swimming, and too much sun.

That night, I fell into bed feeling empty and complete simultaneously. Completely satiated, and it was bliss. I slept the entire night, which was not my usual sleep routine, and I woke up feeling refreshed and energized.

In the morning, I felt like I had slept for a hundred years. My body felt limber with no more of the usual aches and pains, and my head felt clear. Even my eyesight seemed sharpened, and everything seemed brighter.

Tortuga Island in Huatulco, Mexico

Giving Up Restraint and Nourishing Your Body Fuels Your Soul

On the second day, I felt utterly ravenous. I ate everything in sight and still felt a deep, intense hunger. Initially, I thought it was from the copious amounts of tequila and cervasa from the day before, but it felt different.

I couldn’t get enough food, and thankfully the restaurants were located far enough away from the beach where I accumulated a substantial amount of steps throughout the day.

In reflection, this experience of hunger was fueling something in my soul. Like my soul needed a full tank to take me where I was headed.

Giving Up Waiting Because Readiness Attracts Resources

On day three, everything felt more balanced. I woke up feeling in my skin.

When my feet hit the floor after another restful sleep, I felt like I could feel the vibration of the ground beneath me.

The intense hunger had subsided, and after a light breakfast, we were all in our beach chairs for the day. In the quiet moments between visiting, swimming, and buying souvenirs from the beach vendors, I listened intently to the stillness within me. 

I went to the swimming pool to take a break from the intense heat. I spotted one empty seat at the swim-up bar and waded my way to get out of the sun.

I remember walking up to the bar, and this beautiful woman was sitting with her back facing me. She had a lovely figure with long black hair. She looked so healthy and vibrant like she was glowing. I couldn’t take my eyes off her and felt a magnetic pull toward her.

To my surprise, the empty seat was beside her. As I settled in, she smiled and said, “well, hello, beautiful!” I felt an instant connection.

Angles are Always Among Us

We immediately started up a rich conversation. Quickly getting through the introductions and formalities, we dove into life, love, the law of attraction, and our stories. She shared her experiences and journey with nuggets of wisdom and inspiration.

At one point, she asked me what I will choose to do. I wasn’t sure what she meant then she explained she saw something in me that wanted to get out. She recognized what I was carrying.

So, we took a deep dive into who I wanted to become in this life and what I have noticed in the few days since we arrived. She knowingly encouraged me to live my truth, speak my truth, and courageously forge forward into life.

We visited throughout the week, messaged and called each other once we were home, and developed a beautiful friendship through our ups and downs. We remain soul sisters today.

Giving Up Always Expecting Light Because Wherever There’s Light, There are Shadows

Early morning of day four, I walked down the beach with my sister. As we were enjoying our stroll, I noticed a black snake beached in the scorching heat.

This beautiful creature was suffering and struggling. I immediately walked up to it and thought, “you poor thing!” Then, in one of the stupidest moments of my life, I reached down, grabbed it by the tip of its tail, and flung it into the ocean. Before my arm rested at my side, the locals standing by watching ran over to me, yelling, “Hermosa! Te matará. Morirás!” Meaning it will kill me.

In my ignorance, it didn’t occur to me that all these other people were standing around this snake and letting it die in the heat. It was my instinctive reaction to rescue and save the poor creature that could very well kill me.

Life Lessons are Abundant in Foolish Decisions

This is important. My first reaction was to save the snake rather than myself. I wasn’t concerned for my safety nor as dialed into my environment as I always believed I was. Instead, I saw the suffering and wanted to rescue and save. Yikes.

This experience with the snake was a huge lesson for me. The first colossal awakening moment called my attention to connect the dots from the past few days and take a good hard look at how I was living my life.

The snake.

Giving Up Old Beliefs Because Reconnecting Becomes Re-Attachment

My uncle and I were having our morning coffee on day four. He’s acutely wise, and he sees more than he mentions. He had always been an influence in my life and was very much like a second dad to me growing up.

We were enjoying our morning brew, chatting about nothing in particular. Then, after a moment of silence, he leaned over to me and asked, “did you find her yet?”

We held eye contact for a few seconds, and I asked, “what do you mean?” He reached over, squeezed my knee, and then leaned back with a teasing, belly-fueled, joyous laugh.

The Universe Always Sends Signs

Shortly after this exchange, while we were sitting in silence, sipping coffee and watching the ocean waves burst against the shore and retreat, a kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttered in front of us and around us. I had never seen anything like it before. I was awestruck by the beautiful scene as they glimmered in the morning sunlight.

About an hour later, the rest of our family arrived, and we headed for breakfast.

Engage the transformation process.

One Moment of Re-Connection Holds Power to Change the Trajectory of Your Life

During breakfast and throughout the day, I thought about the ‘her’ my uncle mentioned and the butterflies. I realized how much I missed her.

At the end of the day, I prayed once I was settled into bed. As I gave thanks for the day and asked for blessings on my children and loved ones, she reappeared almost apologetically.

I recognized her and immediately felt reconnected and reattached to myself. I drifted off to sleep, hands clasped, remembering.

Giving Up a False Sense of Security Because Freedom Emerges When There’s Peace

We continued our week-long holiday together and enjoyed a fantastic time. However, I had one emergency but predicted phone call from home from my youngest daughter, which I won’t get into, that showed me the contrast. The contrast highlighted the peace I was feeling on vacation, with the reality of what was at home.

During this week away, I started immersing myself in a space of peace and freedom. Of course, I was aware that vacation is a time for peace and freedom. Still, I also recognized I wanted to retain these feelings in the parts of my life I loved and enjoyed.

I also realized the nagging feeling of fear that I had forgotten something important was no longer gripping me.

So I decided I needed to make changes.

Tortuga Island in Huatulco, Mexico.

Giving Up Noise and Hustle Because with Clarity Comes Strength

On our last morning, about an hour before I would be boarding the bus to the airport, one of the entertainment hosts came over to us. He asked if I would go for a ride on the Sea-doo before I left.

Hesitant because I was leaving soon, he graciously told me he had something he wanted me to see before I returned to Canada.

Ironically this was my first ride while in Mexico, and I had never previously expressed an interest. I agreed to a ride, but only if I could drive.

We set out about one kilometer from shore into the open ocean. When we were out in the middle of the small island and the mainland, he said, “there,” and started laughing. “What do you mean?” I asked. He said, “there,” still laughing, and pointed down. I looked down, and there was a whale right beneath us!

I turned off the Sea-doo, and as we floated, a small humpback whale re-emerged and rolled on its side with its beautiful eye fixed curiously on us. I burst into tears. I could feel my heart open, releasing this heavy energy from my body.

Positive Affirmations We are On the Right Path Always Emerge

The humpback lingered. “Hello, you beautiful angel,” I said through my tears. “How are you today? Where’s your mama?” It floated, with its eye still fixed on mine. I started to laugh from the joy I felt, my heart swelling. I said, “thank you,” and it swam away.

We sat in silence, and Milo shifted to sit with his legs over the back of the Sea-doo in a kind gesture of giving me space. I couldn’t stop the tears. They felt cleansing. It wasn’t a sob or sad cry, it felt healing, and I couldn’t stop. The flow felt endless. As I wept, I thought about life and living. I kept saying in my head, “give me strength.”

I felt done and ready. I looked up at Milo and said, “Okay, I’m done.” He replied, “are you sure.” I said, “yes.”

Just as I reached my hand to start the engine, I looked up, and a beautiful butterfly fluttered above us. We were sitting on the water in the middle of nowhere. I smiled, nodded at the butterfly, and said, “Okay, I will be okay. Thank you.”

Here’s a video of our whale encounter:

Consciously Deciding Your Direction Empowers You

Back on shore, I said my goodbyes, took pictures, spent my last few pesos on some trinkets, and boarded the bus.

Once settled into my seat on the plane, I listened to downloaded inspirational podcasts and journaled my experiences, thoughts, feelings, and insights.

I knew what I wanted to do for my life once home, and the six-hour plane ride was my time to map out my intentions.

Living Our Values is Living Fulfilled

Before leaving for vacation, I had booked an appointment with my psychologist. As a side note, and as a seasoned practitioner and educator in the helping field, I highly recommend anyone who works in the helping profession to retain psychological services.

I have been seeing a psychologist throughout the entirety of my career. Setting up regular visits a few times a year, or as needed, helps to unpack stuff and with sense-making for some of the challenging things we experience when working with people. Especially when helping people in crisis or conflict.

Reflection and Journalling Helps Organize Your Thoughts and Thought Process

While journalling on the plane, I explored the process of reconnecting with ourselves.

Throughout my career, I spent time and energy focused on helping people reconnect with external factors like relationships, employment, living conditions, health, and client experiences.

I also dedicated much of my career to learning and teaching about emotional detachment in the helping profession.

This time in my life was the first time I considered emotional reattachment, particularly emotional reattachment to ourselves.

Powerfully Reclaiming Your Self Through Re-Connection Changes Your Life

The morning I arrived home, I remember walking into my psychologist, Laura’s office, and she warmly greeted me with, “wow, you are so tanned! How was Mexico?”. I shut the door behind me and said, “I’m raising women.”

“Oh, interesting. Tell me about it,” she replied.

So, I sat down, opened my journal, and unpacked my experiences during my week away. I shared what I saw. In particular, what I had seen within myself that I hadn’t seen for decades.

Throughout my life to this point, I had detached from myself. Not seeing or taking any opportunities that may have been presented to me to reconnect and reattach.

However, this one week away showed me how I wanted to live my life consistently. I missed myself, and I wasn’t going to let myself slip away again.

Re-Focused and Recognizing Patterns

Being with my family members who knew me from the day I was born, talking about old memories and the trajectory of life, helped me to see that my life was not the one I aspired to live.

I recognized the contrast between who I was and who I thought I was in my relationships and experiences. I also realized how I was living was not aligned with my values.

This contrast left me feeling unfulfilled and stagnant.

This poem from Rupi Kaur’s ‘Milk and Honey’ (2014) resonates.

Trusting Our Intuition Leads Us Home

For twenty-five or more years, I stifled the voice inside me. When she would emerge, I stuffed her away by suffocating us with what I thought I wanted.

Then, with one hand quieting my inner voice, I used the other hand to force things to work. It was exhausting.

I forgot why my feet are planted on earth every day. I lost sight of what my mother and grandmothers showed me.

In one week, in the right environment, with the right people and experiences, it became abundantly clear that my role as a woman as a mother, teacher, helper, and difference maker is to raise women.

In raising women, I needed to start with myself first. I needed to be the best version of myself and focus on living the values most important to living a fulfilled life.

There was work to be done to continue to heal from the generations before me, take their lessons, and reframe the narrative.

The cycles needed to stop with me, for my daughters, and it was time to cultivate, nurture, and grow to share a new narrative for the next generations.

Giving Up Fears of Failure Because Failing Forward is Still Progress

In this experience, paired with rest which gave me strength and resources to support me, I decided I would take charge of the life I wanted to live. So, after my psychologist appointment, I went home and told my husband I wanted a divorce.

The months following this pivotal day in my life wasn’t an easy time. It was probably not the best time for our family, but it was necessary.

Emotionally and financially gutted for the eighteen months following my trip to Mexico, I forged forward.

The people I always thought would be in my life had left, and the career I thought I would always have ended.

Yet I felt like it was all just a moment in time. I knew I would be okay by choosing to reattach emotionally to myself and living my values. And I am.

Discovering New Realities Each Day

New relationships, jobs, and opportunities emerged. This time I evaluated everything through a lens of clarity and values.

True to myself, the trajectory of my life, and what I believe I am here to do, an abundance of love and light flowed my way. I am grateful.

Once the dust settled, at the end of 2019, I moved to Beijing, China.

Supported by my daughters, who are thriving with self-sufficiency in their own adulthood, I prepared for six months to make my move. Traveling and living abroad was a lifelong dream I finally achieved.

Summary

Today, I feel a greater sense of connection to myself, my children, and those I love. I feel settled and whole, financially supported, thriving in my vocation, and fulfilled.

Since moving, I’ve achieved a second master’s degree in Education, started to learn a new language, and met a life partner with a similar growth mindset who sees, accepts, and embraces me.

I’ve taken up hobbies I forgot I enjoyed, like painting, yoga, singing, water sports, and blogging.

More importantly, I’ve maintained a sustained feeling of peace. I’ve made peace with my decisions leading up to this point and continue to choose peace above all else.

There is still more work to do, but I found a balance and synergy to flow in the direction I am going with peace and play.

At the time, I saw the lessons learned in my trip to Mexico and thereafter as a do-over to live the life I wanted to live. I see now that it was a pivot to the direction that would lead me to the life I needed to live.

Giving up what I thought I wanted gave me what I needed.

Re-Cap

Here’s a recap of my story:

  • Changing your physical space changes your state.
  • Nourishing your body fuels your soul.
  • Readiness attracts resources.
  • Wherever there’s light, there are shadows.
  • Reconnecting becomes reattachment.
  • Freedom emerges when there’s peace.
  • With clarity comes strength.
  • Living our values is living fulfilled.
  • Trusting our intuition leads us home.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

Relationships

How to Boost Your Assertive Communication Style

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

When communicating with others, it’s essential to be assertive. Assertive communication is confident, self-assured, and direct. It allows you to state your needs clearly and respectfully without being aggressive or passive. Assertive communication is a vital element of effective negotiation strategies.

This blog post explores how to work through personal development and negotiation strategies for assertive communication.

Table of contents

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the key to having healthier relationships. Negotiation skills help with assertiveness and building confidence when communicating with others. 

Assertiveness shows that you respect yourself and value your own opinion, as well as the views of others. When assertive, you are more likely to reach a resolution that satisfies everyone involved.

Assertive Communication Helps Develop Healthy Relationships

Assertive communication is characterized by confidence, self-assured, and directness when expressing one’s thoughts or feelings. It is the ability to speak up for oneself in a way that is respectful of others and their viewpoints while still being honest about one’s own needs and wants. 

Being assertive helps build healthier relationships because it fosters an environment of mutual respect wherein both parties feel heard and valued.

How to Communicate Assertively

Communication is a two-way process, and when we communicate assertively, it involves speaking up for ourselves and listening to others in a way that acknowledges our shared humanity. 

Active listening by being present and aware of what others say is one of the critical components of assertive communication. An effective way to become more assertive is to practice active listening during conversations with family members and friends.

Assertiveness is Not Negative

Being assertive is not the same thing as being demanding or rude. Instead, being assertive is about being transparent and respectful in communicating needs while caring about the other person’s needs. 

Examples of assertive communication:

  • using statements of facts or opinions, not questions
  • acknowledging how one feels and what one wants without being hostile or disrespectful
  • respecting oneself while also respecting others

Assertive communication helps you take control of your life and feel more confident in social situations. It teaches you to express your needs and feelings while respecting other people’s rights and opinions.

For some people, using assertiveness might be an unfamiliar manner of communicating. However, becoming more assertive is a learned skill we can accomplish with practice and dedication. 

Value of Assertive Communication

Assertiveness is essential for anyone because it can help foster healthy relationships and help people overcome personal issues they find challenging. Assertive people do not allow others to walk all over them and do not tolerate abusive behaviors in their relationships.

Setting Boundaries

An essential factor of assertiveness is setting boundaries or clearly defining one’s standards and expectations.

For instance, it is assertive not to agree to cut your weekend short to accommodate a friend going through a difficult time. In contrast, it is aggressive to demand that your friend reschedule their situation to accommodate your plans.

The distinction is being assertive involves the creation of healthy boundaries that protect one’s own time, energy, and interests.

Negotiation

Negotiation is a vital part of assertive communication. When you negotiate effectively, you build healthier relationships with the people in your life. To negotiate effectively using assertive communication, there are a few crucial steps to consider: 

  1. Self-Awareness
  2. Goal Setting
  3. Action Planning

Assertive Communication and Negotiation

Assertive communication is confident, self-assured, and direct. Negotiation is a vital part of assertive communication. When you negotiate effectively, you build healthier relationships with the people in your life. 

Keep in mind that negotiation is not the same thing as arguing. In an argument, you and the other person try to prove your point and make the other person see it your way. In negotiation, you’re working together to reach a solution that meets the needs of everyone involved.

Preparing for Negotiation

When it comes to negotiation, the most crucial aspect is preparation. You must consider how to resolve the situation and prepare yourself for any possible outcome. Your resolution’s success depends on your preparation and ability to guide others through the process.

Doing the Internal Work

Preparation requires personal development work to uncover underlying needs, interests, and reactions. Preparing with these considerations helps ensure you are ready for negotiation and are aware of your own experiences. 

The internal work involves uncovering how you think and feel about the negotiation and each other and how you perceive what is going on between you and the other party. 

Our attitudes, beliefs, values, perceptions, and interpretations of a conflict situation can differ from person to person. What happens to one person may not be the same as what happens to another. But it’s not what happens to us; how we react or respond to what happens counts.

Setting Up for Success

To succeed in negotiation, it is crucial to prepare emotionally and cognitively. Therefore, we must manage emotions and think logically to be effective. 

It is also essential to respond instead of reacting to get what we want without undermining our relationship with the other person.

When preparing for a negotiation, there are four areas to consider:

  1. Awareness
  2. Readiness
  3. Understanding 
  4. Reflection

Unpacking our emotional and cognitive willingness to negotiate helps to build confidence to practice assertive communication.

To get started, grab a journal and ask yourself some of the following questions in each of the four areas.

Awareness

  • How aware am I of myself concerning conflict?
  • What tells you there is a conflict?
  • What specific actions and verbal cues have you heard and observed?
  • What is your perception of the situation?
  • What are you feeling?
  • What do you fear, or what are your concerns?
  • What are you hoping for or expecting to happen?
  • What beliefs and attitudes around conflict can you focus on to help you maintain your equilibrium as you work to resolve the dispute?

Readiness

  • What can I do to prepare myself?
  • Where is there an appropriate place to discuss the issues in conflict?
  • What mental mind shifts might I wish to invoke?

Blame to Empathy

Judgment to Curiosity

Position to Interests

General to Specific 

Past to Future 

Adversarial to Collaborative 

  • Am I ready in terms of timing/ what is an appropriate time?
  • Can I handle this and maintain my equilibrium, remaining objective and logical versus becoming overpowered with emotions? What do I need to feel successful?

Understanding

  • What do I need to understand about myself?
  • What negative attitudes might I have that may impair my ability to be objective and open to understanding another’s perspective?
  • What assumptions might I be making?
  • What do I have in common with the other party to bridge us when resolving the conflict?
  • What negative feelings or distorted perceptions might impede me from having empathy for the other party? 

Reflection

  • What happened, and how did I contribute to the conflict?
  • How does this play into, or what is the big picture here?
  • What did I do to contribute to the conflict?
  • What am I willing to take responsibility for?
  • How and why was there a conflict?
  • What are my goals and objectives regarding the overall conflict and the outcome of resolving this conflict?

Assertive Communication When Triggered

Preparing our mindset for assertive communication involves tabling our triggers. We can effectively work through our reactions and responses by exploring our triggers in conflict situations. This ensures we communicate from a space of personal power using assertive communication and not reacting defensively.

Triggers

  • What events and experiences trigger strong emotions or angry feelings in you and those around you (family, friends, co-workers, etc.)? 
  • What behaviors do you notice in them?
  • How do you avoid these triggers? 
  • How do you use them? 
  • How do you try to resolve them? 
  • How do you react to these triggers?

Physiological Cues

  • What level of arousal do you experience during a conflict situation? 
  • What physiological cues do you experience? 
  • Do others know how upset you are feeling? 
  • How would others know when you feel triggered?

Awareness Plan

  • How can you become more aware of the physical stress level you are experiencing in a conflict situation? 
  • What will you look for? 
  • How will you use this information?

Plan to Negotiate Effectively Using Assertive Communication

Starting with a clear plan is essential when negotiating effectively using assertive communication. Feeling prepared with a plan ensures you both get what you want from the relationship. In addition, it allows you to feel good about yourself and the others around you.

Preparing to Negotiate

Before looking into how your conflict will be resolved, evaluating the situation and its possible outcomes is essential. Before any action is taken, consider asking yourself these questions:

What is my level of commitment?

The extent we are willing to get involved in life determines our life. When we under-commit, we have challenges, but we also miss opportunities to grow and be open to receiving more extraordinary things (e.g., relationships and opportunities for advancement).

What is the worst thing that can happen?

Enhancing our appetite for creative success is an excellent way to motivate ourselves to act on anything. But then, imagine the worst possible consequences if we do not act. 

e.g., You had a deadline for a proposal. Your boss has insulted you by assigning someone else to do it. You were concerned about how you would finish it in the limited time. Still, now you feel very insulted that he appointed someone else, who happens to be your competition within the department. Suppose you approach him about it, and he tells you to go ahead and do it. What if you submit a poor proposal that insults the client, who fires your company, which in turn fires you? You watch your company go out of business, and your friends lose their jobs. You don’t get another job, lose your house, and then you’re forced to live with your mother-in-law.

What is the best thing that can happen?

Often, we encounter people who focus on problems and limitations. Visionaries concentrate on the possible or, better yet, the impossible. Imagine what would happen if things turned out as you wanted. In other words, expect positive outcomes. 

e.g., You submit the proposal on time, your boss is thrilled, the company gets the proposal, and you sustain everyone’s job, including your competition. You receive a raise and a bonus. You get a promotion and are recognized at the company’s annual social function. 

What questions should I be asking myself?

Start your questions with the following: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

  • What are my concerns?
  • How does this affect me?
  • How does this affect them?
  • What is important to me? …. to them?
  • What suspicions or assumptions might I be making?
  • What would make the situation better?
  • Who should be involved?
  • Where would I like this to take place?
  • When would be the most appropriate time?
  • Why do I want to do this?
  • Who else could I consult?

There are times when there are better strategies than negotiation. For example, sometimes situations have rules or ways of doing things that you can’t change. In those cases, you can ask for more time or suggest another way that you would like to handle the situation.

Summary

Negotiating is essential in any relationship, whether with a family member, friend, or co-worker. Communicating assertively helps build healthier relationships by teaching people how to respect others and their viewpoints while being honest about their needs and wants. 

It can be challenging to communicate effectively, especially when it comes to sensitive topics or areas where you may need to see eye-to-eye with the other person. However, learning how to negotiate assertively can help build healthier relationships by ensuring both parties feel respected and heard. 

Negotiation doesn’t need to be complicated. Both parties will only sometimes agree on everything. But learning how to communicate effectively to come to an understanding that works for everyone involved.

Using assertive communication helps to build healthy relationships by fostering an environment of mutual respect wherein both parties feel heard and valued.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

Self- Care

9 Ways to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Difficult conversations are necessary for healthy relationships. Prepared with the right approach, you can make those conversations much smoother.

This blog post shares nine things you can do to prepare for a difficult conversation.

Table of contents

Personal Development

Personal development is an ongoing process that helps us grow in our lives. It includes learning new things, improving ourselves, and making changes in our lives. How we approach, manage, and work through difficult conversations is vital to our personal growth.

Start with the Basics

There are three main areas of personal development:

  1. Self-Awareness
  2. Goal Setting
  3. Action Planning

When exploring new approaches to difficult conversations, it’s crucial to focus on these three areas of personal development.

Focusing on a structured plan when approaching difficult conversations helps build confidence when faced with conflict situations in our relationships.

Avoiding Conflict is Normal

We often avoid difficult conversations because we are afraid of conflict. This desire to avoid conflict stems from our natural inclination for self-preservation. We are hardwired as mammals to avoid conflict at all costs for our survival. However, conflict is a natural phenomenon in our relationships, and learning how to manage it empowers us to experience healthy conflict interaction.

Because conflict can be emotionally overwhelming, it is much easier to avoid emotionally charged environments. The problem with this approach is that it makes it more likely that avoiding conflict with big emotions will never address the underlying issue. Avoidance of conflict may be easy in the short term, but it makes conflict resolution very difficult in the long run.

Conflict Avoidance

Conflict avoidance is often motivated by a desire to protect oneself from harm. However, this may prevent meaningful conversations from taking place and lead to further tension down the line. 

To avoid conflict, people may:

  • avoid eye contact
  • change the subject
  • walk away from a conversation without explaining why
  • not respond to messages, texts, or calls

How to Address Conflict Avoidance

Conflict avoidance is about being afraid of conflict, so one way to resolve it is to challenge your mindset. Instead of asking yourself, “How can I avoid conflict?” ask, “How can I effectively manage conflict?”. 

Conflict is Inevitable

Conflict is always present in our relationships. Only when it is stimulated and brought to the surface, do we become aware of its existence. Here’s an analogy for you to demonstrate how conflict manifests in our relationships:

Imagine there are ten black cats walking around your office party or family gathering. These ten black cats represent the amount of conflict in the room. The conflict represented by these cats is values, attitudes, desires, and beliefs. No one can see the cats, but they are present.

While we are mingling and sharing experiences and stories, the cats are jumping on counter-tops, knocking over cups, breaking glasses, playing with each other, and chasing the dog.

What if we put collars with bells on the cats? What would happen? This is conflict. It exists everywhere and is present all the time and in every relationship. The bells are the trigger for conflict escalation. Only when we see it and hear it do we know it exists.

Nine Ways to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation

Confronting difficult conversations can be daunting but preparing yourself ahead of time to become comfortable with conflict is vital in resolving conflict.

Here are nine ways to help you practice becoming more comfortable with conflict and approaching difficult conversations:

Choose Your Battles

One way to deal with this is to decide what kinds of discussions are worth risking drama for and what aren’t. For example, avoiding bringing up sensitive topics like politics and religion with your extended family or colleagues is a good idea. On the other hand, choosing to avoid telling your partner you’re unhappy about something they said at a party would possibly create underlying tensions and resentments in your relationship.

Be Brave

Don’t shy away from difficult conversations. Embrace them as an opportunity to develop your leadership skills. Conflict management is an integral part of personal development. By learning to handle difficult conversations effectively, you can set yourself up for success.

Set Goals

It’s important to know what you want before you start anything. Having a goal in mind will help you stay focused and on track. It’s also important to be realistic with your goals.

Prepare for Success

A conversation is an art form that takes time and effort to master. But, like any skill, the more you practice, the better you will become at it. An excellent way to start is by talking to yourself in a mirror, thinking about how different conversations might go and how you would respond to different scenarios. The outcome depends on what you say and how you say it.

Use a Script

Practicing with a script to open a difficult conversation helps ease anxieties and make the process smoother. A script makes it much easier because you will already know what you want to say. When you are under pressure to express something that might be difficult, it is much easier when you are prepared.

Here is a script you can use to help you prepare for your difficult conversations:

The Confrontation Model for Difficult Conversations by Suzanne Marie

Choose a Neutral Location

It’s often more prudent to have a difficult conversation on neutral ground rather than on your turf. This way, the person won’t feel embarrassed or scared, and you’ll be more likely to get the desired results.

Manage Your Emotions

When beginning a discussion, always remember the importance of starting well. How you open the conversation will set the tone for the rest of the talk. For example, starting with a smile and offering coffee to the other person is more likely to result in a productive discussion than beginning with a stern face. Similarly, your voice’s tone can signal whether or not the discussion will be successful. Manage your emotions by preparing yourself and anticipating your feelings during the discussion.

Be Open to Feedback

Being open to feedback is another critical step in difficult conversations, making resolving the conflict more likely. Listening to the other party’s perspective helps to create a clear picture of the issues needing to be resolved. Ultimately, the goal is to resolve the issues for harmony in your relationship.

Express Compassion

Being honest and clear about your feelings can open the door to a productive conversation that can lead to a resolution. Respond with empathy to see things from the other person’s perspective. Surprisingly, approaching a difficult conversation from a space of compassion will help you understand the problem better and keep you on task for your goals.

Summary

Conflict in relationships is normal and inevitable. Preparing for difficult conversations helps our personal development and empowers us to make better life choices.

Re-Cap

To approach a difficult conversation, it’s essential to follow a guide for personal development:

  1. Self-Awareness
  2. Goal Setting
  3. Action Planning

In your next difficult conversation, remember:

Choose your Battles– the goal is to resolve the issues in relationships most meaningful.

Be Brave– conflict is normal and inevitable in any relationship.

Set Goals– healthy relationships require a willingness to work through the highs and lows together.

Prepare for Success– feeling prepared empowers us to make healthy decisions for ourselves and our relationships.

Use a Script– managing conflict and confronting difficult conversations requires skill development and practice.

Choose a Neutral Location– common ground is vital for holding space for the relationships most important to us.

Manage Your Emotions– feeling in charge of our emotions during difficult conversations is pivotal for personal growth.

Be Open to Feedback– a willingness to see all sides of a conflict helps to resolve differences during difficult conversations.

Express Compassion– kindness is the foundation for human connection.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

Self- Care

How I Learned Self Love Working on My 2nd Million ($)

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Discover how I stopped chasing, started living, and learned self love by overcoming self-doubt. It’s a story of empowerment and resilience!

Table of contents

Profound Inspiration

When people used to ask my dad how business was going, he would respond, “I’m working on my second million!” 

“Wow! That’s great! How’s that coming along?” They would ask.

Laughing, my dad would respond, “Well, I gave up on my first, so hopefully, the second will pan out.”

Background

I have learned over the years that there are basic behaviors aligned with our stages of life.

For example, like most young people in my teens, I struggled to figure out where I belonged and what I would do on the weekends. Waiting for a phone call about a party that never came, so most weekends, I worked or stayed home with family. 

Roaring Twenties

I was a nineteen-year-old parent, so my twenties were about survival. First, attending post-secondary and deciding on what professional identity would suit my interests, needs, and bank account.

Then, finding a job, working, and changing jobs again until choosing entrepreneurship as the most suitable for my lifestyle. 

All while being married, having a second baby, juggling daycare, babysitters, laundry, and sick days when our girls picked up a bug. Life was a daily race to the weekend.

My life was not different from many but unique to my experiences. 

Busy Thirties

In my thirties, I was successfully adult-ing with two healthy children, two dogs, a mortgage, two vehicles, life insurance, a satellite subscription, annual family vacations, and closets full of stuff. 

We ran a race each week. Shuttling our girls between horseback riding lessons, piano lessons, birthday parties, Girl Guides events, volleyball, basketball, and school functions.

Not to mention the endless homework, housework, grocery shopping, and the never-ending need for more sleep. 

It was like we were running on a treadmill, training for an ultra-marathon with no finish line. 

Mid-Life Awakening

In my forties, something happened. It started with questioning the madness. Wondering why we had piles of laundry each week and where all the socks and Tupperware lids went after washing them.

But, more importantly, why we had so much stuff and chaos in our lives and home. The constant running and noise was baffling and chaotic. 

Carving Out Time for Self Love

Circling back to my dad’s quip. Although tongue-in-cheek, it struck me that I was also chasing my second million and was tired.

There had to be a better way to feel fulfilled in life. So, I decided to stop the race and change my target.

After readjusting, I became focused on creating meaning through stillness. As within, so without. 

Beginning with carving out time for myself each day, I uncovered how I wanted to live. Each morning over coffee, I would spend thirty minutes reflecting on my intentions for the day and ask myself:

  1. How do you want to show up?
  2. What do you need?
  3. How will the day’s activities make you a better person?

At the end of each day, I would spend thirty minutes reflecting on the day by journaling. My journal prompts were:

  1. What is the highlight of your day?
  2. How did your highlight make you feel?
  3. How did your highlight make you a better person?
  4. What three things from your day are you most grateful for?

Learning Curve with Self Love

Although this one hour a day I had carved out for a ritual of self love allowed me to focus on each day, our home remained like a busy airline terminal. So, I started reading books, watching documentaries, and attending seminars. 

I was on a mission to learn about maintaining stillness in every aspect of our lives. But unfortunately, I discovered that due to a messy closet or cluttered garage, science has shown that this unnecessary stress can lead to unforeseen health issues.

Health Risks

Living in a cluttered and noisy environment has been linked to an increased risk of health problems like high blood pressure and diabetes.

On the other hand, living in a clean and organized home has been found to reduce stress levels and cortisol levels.

A study at Northwestern University in Illinois found that clutter and disorganization are even more harmful than poor conditions like mould and dampness.

A cluttered and noisy space can lead to negative emotions and even depression. In another study conducted by UCLA, it was found that mess and disorder can severely impact our mood and self-esteem.

For example, feeling constantly overwhelmed by clutter and noise can cause shame, guilt, or a sense of inadequacy, making it difficult to focus and be productive. 

Hope

It can be a vicious circle: the more clutter you have, the more stress you feel, and the less productive you are.

“Existing in a cluttered environment taxes our brains because the cluttering objects compete for our attention,” according to Dr. Scott Bea, a clinical psychologist.

However, the science of decluttering our lives shows that it can improve focus, reduce anxiety, and increase productivity.

Our homes should be places of peace and calm, where go to recharge after a stressful day.

Deciding the quickest and easiest way to make a difference in our lives started with our physical spaces, and we committed to taking charge of our home. Clearing out anything that no longer served a purpose in our lives, we created a Zen den. 

Intentionally keeping material possessions for utility led me to focus on creating meaning in my relationships.

Once our house was in order, we worked on finances. Then, our schedules and how we spent our time. Keeping only what enhanced our lives and creating meaning for us and those around us. 

This article explains the process of how to get started with decluttering physical spaces:

How to Improve Your Life by Taking Charge of Your Space

Being Intentional Influences Personal Growth and Self Love

Living a meaningful life by embracing self love and moving away from a noisy world can be incredibly freeing and lead to true happiness.

When we live consciously, we can focus on what is truly important and let go of the rest. 

This allows us to live more intentionally and creates space for things that bring joy into our lives.

Additionally, living with intention can help reduce stress and anxiety because there is less clutter. 

In my experience, decluttering physical spaces leads to decluttering your mind, body, and spirit, ultimately leading to a more peaceful way of living.

How I Learned Self Love

Using this six-step process to make changes in my life is how I learned self love.

Mindset

A mindset for living with intention is not a fad or trend. It is a way of life. Embracing living with purpose starts with preparing yourself to make changes in your life for personal growth and development. Exploring how we become emotionally attached to things and how removing excess from our lives improves productivity, happiness, and focus. 

Self-Care

Changing your physical spaces and way of living will take its toll on your emotional state. Learning to let go to embrace simplicity means changing habits and patterns of behavior. Self-care is crucial to maintaining a commitment to living a meaningful and fulfilled life with intention. 

Sources of Inspiration

Creating a list of sources for inspiration will help you to maintain motivation for making changes in your life. Consciously choose what you listen to, read, watch, and invite into your space. Choose things that leave you feeling inspired, empowered, and embraced. 

Committing to Change

Creating an action plan requires a commitment to change. Commit to taking steps each day to achieve your desired state of living with intention.

Prioritizing

Starting with the quickest and easiest tasks to get organized helps us feel empowered as we embrace living a meaningful and intentional life.  

Required Resources

Identifying needed resources to achieve your goals is helpful to take inventory and get organized to start taking charge of your space. 

Summary

We experience many stages throughout our lifetime. Unpacking our need to run a daily race with no finish line is unhealthy.

Instead, clearing out the clutter and chaos in our lives leads us to discover how to create meaning through intention in our lives. 

Clearing clutter and noise also helps reduce stress and improve mental well-being. 

Living a meaningful life by embracing living with intention and moving away from a noisy world can be incredibly freeing and lead to true happiness.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

References

Swanson, H. L., & Ferrari, J. R. (2022). Older Adults and Clutter: Age Differences in Clutter Impact, Psychological Home, and Subjective Well-Being. Behavioral Sciences, 12(5), 132. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs12050132

The Science Behind Decluttering. (n.d.). MIBluesPerspectives. Retrieved October 7, 2022, from https://www.mibluesperspectives.com/stories/for-your-business/the-science-behind-decluttering  

Self- Care

How to Improve Your Life By Taking Charge of Your Space

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

Discover how taking charge of your environment improves your life! This post provides you with practical tips to start implementing now.

Table of contents

Background

About ten years ago, I watched a documentary about the story of stuff. My friend and I were talking about the accumulation of things in our homes, and she recommended I watch this thought-provoking film. 

At around the same time, I attended a women’s entrepreneurship conference. One of the guest speakers was an organizational consultant. She opened her presentation by asking us to calculate how much of our stuff is ”homeless”. Meaning that many things in our homes don’t have a permanent place.

At the time, I thought everything had a place in our home, so when responding, I said approximately ninety percent. I didn’t want to appear too overconfident, so ninety percent seemed reasonable. 

The speaker then gave us a questionnaire to complete. The questions included retracing where we drop our mail, flyers, and books and how many of the clothes in the closet or storage we consistently wear and use. 

Take Charge Paradigm Shift

After her session, I left feeling a combination of embarrassment and inspiration.

I also felt enlightened and began my quest to take charge of my physical space. I decided everything that did not serve a purpose or add value to my life would be re-homed, donated, sold, or recycled. 

I am embarrassed to share that I was a book hoarder. Instead of using the formal dining room area for a formal table setting in our home, we turned it into a library. Mainly because we already had an entire seating area off the kitchen in a second dining room. 

In this extra room, we installed floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on each wall. We invested thousands of dollars into our reading habit. Yet, accumulating books over several decades, we kept every single one. Why? 

Books in our home library were displayed like trophies. Our kids grew bored of their books over the years, as did we, and we rarely even entered this room after time. But it was an impressive room!

Improve Your Life by Taking Action

After this one-day experience of exploring stuff and uncovering why I felt I needed so many things, I created an action plan.

I wanted to liberate our family from an overwhelm of things, starting with our home library.

My family was on board, and we were all excited about the possibilities. 

Improve Your Life by Paying it Forward

We had several genres of books, and all seemed so precious to discard or recycle, so I created a list of groups who may find value in our library:

  1. I contacted an employment program for urban indigenous learners and job seekers. They took a large portion of our nonfiction books.
  2. I contacted the women’s shelter and donated an SUV full of children’s books.
  3. I contacted elder care facilities and donated another SUV full of fiction novels. 

Craft Supplies

In addition to a home library, we also had a craft room. Turning one of our extra bedrooms into a fully stocked craft room for our kids, we had shelves of paper and art supplies. Many of it was impulse purchases through phases and fads for one project. 

For example, I was obsessed with scrapbooking. This room was a scrapbooker’s paradise. Another time, one of our daughters had to make a diorama for class, so many items were left over. I won’t even mention the one spring I became obsessed with creating fairy gardens. The list goes on. 

Most of these items were donated to the women’s shelter, and the women and children thoroughly enjoyed countless hours of creating art. 

Burn Unseen

I had kept every journal article from writing my thesis several years prior, and I never revisited them.

At one point, I took boxes of binders to the recycle bin and emptied them. I took anything that included confidential information to our fire pit and opened and dumped it sight unseen. 

I called my girlfriend and told her what I was doing.

When I told her about the fire pit, she shrieked, “You did what?” I repeated, “I took one binder at a time and opened them into the burning fire.” Staring blankly at me through FaceTime, she responded, “You didn’t look first?” “Nope,” I replied.

Silence.

Improve Your Life by Reinvesting

After our books were successfully re-homed with new and appreciative readers and all the paper clutter was cleared away, we listed our bookshelves for sale.

We sold them in a couple of days and used the money to re-paint our entire home and professionally clean the carpets after we were done organizing our space.

Incredible. 

Improve Your Life by Recreating Space

The former library became a brightly colored music room with our daughter’s keyboard and the antique LP stereo cabinet my father gave me. We could hear music playing throughout our home, which was a lovely transformation. 

There was also space. Space for nothing other than our home experience and movement. It was glorious. No more dusting books we never read.

Improve Your Life by Creating New Habits

We committed to a family library card to feed our love of reading.

The fee for our membership was $25.00 each year. We had access to books from across our province in the regional library network.

We would go to the library once a week and fill up to return the following week for new books, magazines, audiobooks, and learning kits. 

I canceled newspaper and magazine subscriptions, and we saved roughly $300 per year.

Madness. 

Improve Your Life with a Kitchen Makeover

After finishing the library, I tackled my kitchen and pantry.

I invested in labeling gadget and containers for dry goods. Our shopping trips drastically changed from buying bulk to fill the cupboards to only purchasing what was needed to fill each container. 

I also added containers in the fridge and freezer, and our grocery bills significantly decreased. Our budget was cut by almost half of what we were spending previously.

Even with purchasing the labeler and smaller storage containers, we were still spending below our regular budget. 

Improve Your Life with a Bedroom Sanctuary

Next, we started on our bedroom spaces.

Sorting through clothes and personal items, we identified what we would absolutely keep, what was seasonal, and what could be donated to charity. I learned to live happily with two pairs of jeans, black pants, hoodies, etc.

We only needed one good parka, two pairs of mittens, one scarf, and one toque for winter wear. It was endless as we sorted and prioritized our belongings. 

I turned the surplus of denim and flannels into beautiful quilts and gave them away for Christmas gifts. Whatever clothing items were left over went out the door. 

We also removed the television in our master bedroom and canceled our satellite subscription. Our bedroom was a sanctuary for rest and peace. We didn’t need unnecessary noise and embraced changing habits for television time. 

No more movies in bed with unneeded snacking.

This change landed us $150 for the television, and we saved $840 a year by canceling the satellite subscription.

Not to mention reducing risks to our health by no longer eating popcorn smothered in butter late at night. 

Short Term Change

This initial process took us the better part of a month.

However, we were all committed and felt good about our accomplishments daily.

We would donate, sell and recycle anything we had not touched in six months. This was our benchmark timeline. It’s embarrassing to say some items still had price tags on them! 

We had more room in our home, and room by room, we cleared out anything that did not fit our criteria for keeping.

We kept the items we needed on a regular shopping list and removed many others. 

Through this process, we found enough shampoo and body wash, toothpaste, bandaids, and deodorant to last our family of four for more than a year.

Further reducing expenditures on our shopping list. 

Improve Your Life by Creating Open Spaces 

We also sold and donated furniture and linens and emptied storage containers.

On a side note, animal rescue charities are a great place to donate unneeded linens. They are always in need of towels for bathing and bedding. 

I discovered schools, women’s shelters, and homeless shelters also need storage containers. 

I removed the items from the china cabinet by our kitchen table. I turned our Royal Albert dinnerware, only used for special occasions, into our everyday dinnerware.

Can you imagine? Having dinner plates and silverware on display. 

I gave away the six-foot china cabinet to friends creating more open space in our home. In the process, I learned to embrace life moment by moment and not save things for special occasions. 

We only live once, and I will if I want to have my morning coffee in a $100 teacup. If it breaks, it served me well while I used it. I don’t need to replace it with a new one to ensure I have a complete set. 

Mid Term Change 

It took us about six months to feel the exponential changes we made in how we were living. It wasn’t easy.

We went through buyer’s remorse for how much money we spent on purchasing things we never used. But we were happy others would find value in the items we donated. 

We also started to see how much money we were saving in our budget from buying less, canceling subscriptions, and combing through all the other expenses.

For example, we changed insurance, utilities, and cell phone providers and omitted many unnecessary costs from our budget. 

Long Term Change 

Since this experience, I have had many life changes that furthered my efforts to declutter and only keep items that add value to my life.

I’ve expanded my scope from only physical spaces to digital spaces, relationships, jobs, where I live, and what I consume. 

Whether it’s what I eat, read, listen to, or watch, I am conscious of choosing things that add value to my life.

This goes for the work I do and the relationships I choose to engage with in my life.

Summary

In my experience, taking charge of your physical space empowers you to live a fulfilled life.

Clearing out the clutter allows us to focus on what is important.

This focus changes our paradigm from want to need, and ultimately, we feel happier. 

Here’s a re-cap to get started:

  1. Decide to take charge of your physical space. 
  2. Create an action plan with criteria for evaluating the things in your physical space.
  3. Think big and start small, with one room at a time.
  4. Give back to others. Make calls. Find out who will benefit most from your things and donate. 
  5. Celebrate and reward yourself for your accomplishments.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time, 

Suzanne

References

The Story of Stuff. (2009, April 22). The Story of Stuff. YouTube. https://youtu.be/9GorqroigqM

‌

Personal Growth

12 Tips For A Fulfilled Life: Personal Development Basics

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

This blog post explores skills for personal development, helping people reach their goals and live a fulfilled life.

Table of contents

Personal Development for Living a Fulfilled Life

Personal development is about learning how to live a fulfilling life. It is about being able to do things that you enjoy doing and achieving goals that you set out for yourself.

The goal is not to be happy all the time. This would be unrealistic.

Discovering who you are and what makes you tick is where the magic happens!

It is about knowing yourself better to become a better person.

Personal Growth

Personal growth is an ongoing process that requires effort and commitment. Taking responsibility for your actions and learning how to improve yourself is essential.

When it comes to personal development, there is no magic pill or one-size-fits-all solution. We all have different needs, and what works for one person may not work for another.

The most important thing is to find what works for you and commit to making it a part of your life.

Roll Up Your Sleeves

We go through life on autopilot, reacting to whatever comes our way without thinking about what we want or how to get it. As a result, we end up living less than fulfilling lives.

But it doesn’t have to be this way!

Personal development is about taking control of your life, rolling up your sleeves, and creating the kind of life you want. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.

Personal Development Basics

How many of us can say that we are truly living a fulfilled life?

Even though some may argue that there is no definite answer as to what a fulfilled life looks like, there are certain things we can do to help get us closer to achieving it.

In short, living a fulfilled life enables you to grow as an individual and become the best version of yourself.

It could be reading self-help books, taking your health seriously, starting a new hobby, meditating, doing yoga, or even traveling.

Making a Difference

For some, fulfillment comes from making a difference in the lives of others.

Others may find fulfillment through their careers or hobbies. And still, others might find it through their relationships with family and friends. 

Although there is no single definition of personal development, and it’s different from person to person, universal themes run through the subject.

For example, 14 activities, if practiced regularly and diligently, can help people become the best versions of themselves.

This article explores these skills that can help people reach their goals and live more fulfilled lives.

Personal Development Pathway to Living a Fulfilled Life

Many people believe it’s essential to work on personal development to live a fulfilled life. Personal development involves anything from improving your physical health to improving your mental and emotional wellbeing. 

While there is no one answer as to what personal development looks like for everyone, there are certain things we can do to help get us closer to achieving it.

For example, setting goals and challenging ourselves help us push our boundaries and reach our potential.

Inspiring Personal Development

Personal development is about inspiring individuals on their journey and helping them reach their full potential.

So, how can you start living a more fulfilled life?

Here are a few ideas.

Get Enough Sleep

It is vital to feel rested to be successful in personal development.

Unfortunately, we sometimes get too caught up in life and lose sleep as we try to get things done.

I struggled for a long time with being able to turn my brain off at night, but I eventually discovered meditation.

Feed Your Body

The food we put into our bodies directly impacts how we feel physically and mentally.

Eating nutritious foods helps us to stay energized and healthy, while consuming unhealthy foods can make us feel sluggish and unhappy.

Therefore, we must be mindful of what we eat to maintain a positive outlook and optimal health.

Starting the day with a nutritious breakfast is a great way to set the tone for the rest of the day. Get smoothie recipes here.

Get Moving

Movement is key to a healthy and balanced life. It helps us to clear out stagnant energy and create space for fresh, new ideas and vitality.

If you sit for long hours each day, get up and move around for at least 30 minutes. Movement gets your blood pumping and helps you stay energized throughout the day.

Yoga is a great way to stretch, build strength, exercise with cardio, and practice being present in the moment.

This yogi has a great 30-day yoga challenge for beginners:

Embrace Yourself

How we think about and treat ourselves profoundly impacts our other relationships.

Having a good relationship with ourselves provides a strong foundation for healthy and supportive relationships with others.

Self-love is the key to happy and fulfilling relationships with others. If we don’t have a good relationship with ourselves, it’s challenging to have healthy relationships with other people.

Ground in Your Authentic Self

When we are in touch with our authentic selves, we can remain present and calm in the face of daily challenges and distractions.

Our connection to our true selves gives us a sense of peace and stability, so we are not easily swayed by the opinions or emotions of others.

Here are proven strategies for grounding in your authentic self:

How to Ground in Your Authentic Self

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential to taking care of ourselves.

For example, limiting how much time, energy, or information we share with others protects us from becoming overwhelmed and losing ourselves. Everyone has different areas in their lives where they need to set boundaries.

Healthy boundary-setting is a crucial part of self-care.

Use Effective Communication Skills

Healthy relationships require effective communication and well-defined boundaries.

To maintain a healthy relationship dynamic, each person must be respected, and their individual needs must be considered.

Respect allows us to create an environment where everyone feels comfortable expressing themselves honestly.

Practice Conflict Management Strategies

Managing conflict effectively starts with understanding our communication styles and their impact on our relationships.

Learning new ways to communicate can open up productive conversations that lead to greater understanding between people.

Taking some time to gain awareness of ourselves is the first step toward making positive changes in our relationships.

Have Fun

The essential things in life are the things that we have to do every day.

They keep us moving forward and help us take care of our families.

  • But what about the fun things in life?
  • The things that make us laugh and enjoy ourselves?

Sometimes we tell stories about how much fun we used to have, but it’s not the same as actually experiencing it.

Create a Vision Plan

One way to live a more fulfilled life is by setting goals and working towards them.

Investing in yourself is one of the best things you can do for your future. Personal development is not selfish; it’s one of the most selfless things you can do. 

When you work on becoming a better person, you’re improving your life and those around you. 

Setting goals could mean taking up a new hobby, learning a new skill, or reaching a personal milestone you’ve always wanted to achieve.

Focus on the Present Moment

It is also essential to focus on the present moment and appreciate the small things in life.

Being present in the moment is difficult, but it is a vital part of personal development for living a fulfilled life.

By focusing on the here and now each day, we can learn to appreciate the abundance in our lives.

In doing so, we open ourselves to new possibilities and experiences that make life worth living.

Be Kind

In addition, being kind and helping others can also lead to a more fulfilling existence.

Personal development is about so much more than just working on yourself. It’s also about being kind and helping others.

When you positively impact someone else’s life, it can lead to a domino effect of good deeds that can ultimately improve the world.

In addition, seeing the direct results of your kindness can be incredibly fulfilling and motivating.

It might sound clichéd, but making a difference in someone else’s life is one of the best ways to find true happiness for yourself as well.

Practice Gratitude

We often take for granted the things that go well in our lives or the gestures others make toward us.

Gratitude is acknowledging and recognizing the positive things in our lives. It’s an appreciative attitude that leads to more happiness and satisfaction.

In positive psychology research, gratitude is a strong predictor of happiness.

People who are grateful tend to feel more positive emotions, savor good experiences, enjoy better health, and cope more effectively with adversity. They also tend to have stronger relationships.

Manage What You Consume

The things we consume in our lives have a significant impact on our success.

What we eat, watch, read and listen to, and the relationships we allow into our space, influence our moods and behavior.

If we’re conscious of this, it can help us to improve our wellbeing.

Unhealthy choices can keep us from living the fulfilled life we desire. To make healthier choices, we need to learn the difference between what nourishes us and what merely keeps us busy.

When we make unhealthy choices repeatedly, it’s time to take action and live more healthily.

I love food. So, I view the things I allow into my life in two categories.

  • Category one is a delicious, home-cooked turkey dinner with all the fixings.
  • Category two is a chocolate cake loaded with sugar and empty calories.

Turkey dinner leaves me feeling satisfied, healthy, and whole. On the other hand, although chocolate cake may be tempting and intoxicating at first, it ultimately leaves me feeling shaky from a sugar rush, with a headache, and hungry again in an hour.

I have always had a sweet tooth and love chocolate cake.

But in my relationships, jobs, and expectations over the years, I have had to forego it for a more well-balanced turkey dinner.

Summary

Ultimately, personal development is something to be worked on every day and could involve anything from becoming physically or mentally healthier to improving your self-confidence. 

Overall, personal development is wide-ranging and can be defined differently.

You can work on personal development every day and should involve working on things that make you feel like a better person.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

Relationships

How to Use Perception Checking for Effective Communication

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

This post discusses perception checking in communication and how to check your perception with three easy steps for personal development and effective communication skills. 

Table of contents

Perception Checking

Perceptions are often based on assumptions that may not be true.

For example, if someone says they like something, we assume they mean they like it because they said so.

However, they could also mean they like it because it is a good thing to say.

So, when communicating with others, it is important to check perceptions by asking questions such as:

  • “What did you mean?”
  • “How would you feel about this?”

How to Check Your Perception for Effective Communication Skills

How you see the world shapes how you communicate with others.

If your view is distorted, your perception will cloud your ability to relate to those around you.

An inaccurate perception results in ineffective communication and missed opportunities.

Why You Should Check Your Perception Before Communicating

Many people don’t realize how their perceptions affect their communication.

Your perception is your own truth.

Many factors influence it, including your past experiences, stereotypes, and biases. 

It’s essential to check your perception before communicating with someone else because you may not be seeing the whole picture.

For example, suppose you’re only considering your own viewpoint. Then, you could miss important information or fail to understand another person’s perspective.

Perception Affects Communication

Checking your perception regularly helps ensure seeing things clearly and communicating effectively.

Here are some tips for checking your perception: 

  • Pay attention to your emotions and try to identify any patterns or triggers. Our emotions can give us valuable information about our underlying beliefs and assumptions. 
  • Be curious about other points of view.

Perception is Truth, Sort Of

Your perception is your own truth.

However, it is influenced by many factors, including your past experiences, stereotypes, and biases.

Checking your perception for effective communication skills helps to ensure that you perceive the situation accurately and communicate effectively. 

There are a few things you can do to check your perception: 

  • First, consider what you already know about the situation or topic. What information do you have that might be influencing your perceptions? 
  • Second, try to look at the situation from multiple perspectives.

Checking Perception for the Big Picture

When communicating with someone, it’s vital to ensure accurate perception.

You may not be seeing the whole picture, and if you’re not, then your communication will be ineffective. 

Pay attention to what the other person is saying and doing to check your perception.

For example, if they seem upset, and you are unaware of why ask yourself if something might be happening. Then ask the other person.

Similarly, if they seem happy or excited, try to discern whether their good mood is genuine or whether they might just be putting on a front.

Check in with them to understand them.

Perception Checking Uncovers Missed Opportunities

Suppose you’re only considering your own viewpoint. Then, you could miss important information or fail to understand another person’s perspective.

To effectively communicate with others, it is crucial to be aware of your perceptions and how they might influence how you interpret or respond to a situation.

Make a conscious effort to consider other points of view, even if they differ from yours. Consciously considering other points of view helps prevent misunderstandings and improve communication overall.

Perception Checking Skill

An essential skill to be developed by any leader is perception checking.

However, to practice perception checking for personal development, we must first understand perception and how it influences our interpersonal communication and relationships.

Defining Perception

Perception is the process whereby we assign meaning to the world around us.

However, we all look at the world differently and have different experiences.

As a result, we all create different interpretations of what we see around us.

Influences to Perception

Many things influence perception.

More importantly, as it relates to interpersonal communication, we all share common tendencies in perception.

We judge ourselves more charitably than others.

We consider ourselves more generously to convince ourselves and others that the cheerful face we present to the world is accurate.

This tendency is called self-serving bias.

This bias influences how we engage in and interact in our interpersonal communication and relationships. 

We cling to first impressions.

We label people according to our first impressions to make some interpretations about them:

  • “She seems cheerful.”
  • “He seems sincere.”
  • “They sound awfully arrogant.”

We are naturally hardwired as mammals to respond to a sense of certainty in our environments.

Our survival is dependent upon this certainty.

When we label, we no longer need to worry about uncertainty because we know what to expect and have a sense of knowing the future by attributing meaning to the labels.

We assume that others are similar to us.

We tend to think that others’ views are similar to our own, which applies to many situations.

We naturally are attracted to those around us who share similar interests.

Again, we are hardwired as mammals to connect. It is part of our innate desire for survival.

There are strengths in numbers, and our experiences are predictable, enjoyable, and safe when we are among similar companies. At least from the view of our perception.

We are influenced by the obvious.

Being influenced by the obvious is understandable. However, is the most obvious the most accurate?

Knowing we are hardwired for how we view the world and what our perception is influenced by, being able to see beyond the obvious takes an acquired skill and practice.

Checking your perceptions and the perceptions of others in your interpersonal communication and relationships will help you to uncover opportunities you never knew existed.

We know serious problems can arise when we treat our interpretations of a person’s comments or behaviors as facts.

So how do we move beyond these powerful tendencies to a place of skilled leadership in our interpersonal communication and relationships?

Checking Perception

A simple strategy of perception checking to confirm your perceptions will help you sort through a situation before it gets out of hand and move you to a place of skilled leadership.

In addition, this approach puts listeners at ease, making them more likely to open up to you.

You will then have the opportunity to uncover missed or new opportunities.

Observing missed opportunities with perception checking will discover new possibilities in your relationships.

Elements of Perception Checking

  1. Describe the behavior you noticed.
  2. Offer at least two unique possible interpretations of the behavior.
  3. Request clarification about how to interpret the behavior.

For example, James said he would text you an order by the end of the afternoon; by six o’clock, you still didn’t receive anything. So you assume he is no longer interested, and you let it go at that and do not follow up.

However, using the elements of perception checking, you approach your next conversation with James like this:

“You said you would text your order by late afternoon, but I didn’t receive anything by six. Did you forget about it, or perhaps you’re no longer interested? What happened?”

Using this approach, James might inform you that there was an emergency at work, or he might have sent it, and it was to the wrong phone number. He could also give you any number of reasons.

Summary

To conclude, the model for perception checking is a crucial leadership skill for personal development.

Like with any skill development, perception takes time and practice.

Writing out the elements of perception checking is helpful to see any missed opportunities about your intentions for initiating this form of communication.

Until next time,

Suzanne

References

Adler, R. B., Rolls, J. A., & Proctor, R. F. (2020). LOOK: looking out, looking in. Nelson Education.

Relationships

How to Ground in Your Authentic Self

Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

Reclaiming your true authentic self is an important journey that requires reflection and mindfulness.

To begin, consciously make space and time to evaluate current habits and situations in your life, while being honest with yourself throughout the process.

Take a step into getting to know yourself on a deeper level, to become aware of the beliefs that have been driving your life choices.

Once these unhealthy patterns are recognized and released, it is possible for you to start reclaiming your true authentic self!

This blog post explores building strong foundations to ground into our authentic self for personal growth and personal development.

Table of contents

Relationships

Our relationships with others start with our relationship with ourselves.

As we journey through life – from childhood and adolescence to adulthood – we develop many different types of relationships. Some may last a lifetime, while others may be temporary.

How we relate to ourselves sets the tone for all our other relationships. Having a healthy relationship with ourselves sets the foundation for solid and healthy relationships with others.

Premise

The examples presented in this post are from my own journey in intimate relationships.

My journey in close relationships has been full of lessons about the importance of grounding myself in my authentic self. Through this process of personal growth and personal development, I understand the immense value of being true to who I am. 

In the long run, it’s crucial to maintain a balance between being true to ourselves and choosing to be in a relationship.

This article aims to provide information about avoiding unproductive compromises in relationships and improving communication and interaction in close relationships by making better choices for a better life.

Grounding

We need a grounding of our authentic self in relationships.

Grounding is a powerful tool that makes everything last for the long term. Through grounding, we bring the core sense of ourselves from a soul level into our relationship experience.

When we feel grounded, we remain present and calm despite the challenges and distractions of daily life.

When our connection to our authentic selves is strong, the opinions or emotions of others are not of high regard and do not easily influence us.

As a result, we feel a sense of peace and stability.

The Context of Relationships

When in close relationships, it is not uncommon for us to feel like we are losing ourselves.

When we are in relationships with others, it can be easy to lose sight of who we are and what we want. As a result, we may compromise our values and preferences to fit in or please others, experience a lack of confidence or low self esteem, or end up with mental health issues like depression or anxiety.

However, this can lead to feeling unhappy and even resentful over time. Instead of feeling comfortable and at ease within the relationship, we experience tension and stress. 

Tension and Stress in Relationships

  • Feeling bad about yourself.
  • Feeling resentful towards the other person.
  • Feeling trapped in the relationship.
  • Escalating conflict between you and the other person.
  • Engaging in more arguments.

Personal Growth and Personal Development

Relationships are complex.

An important thing to consider is our needs change over time, relationships are dynamic and constantly in a state of change.

As we experience personal growth and personal development, a lot of people often find themselves in a relationship that is no longer supportive and fulfilling. In these cases, we also discover we may be stuck with an unsupportive or unfulfilling relationship because of our investment of time, focus, and energy.

Feeling stuck is a clear indication of being detached from our authentic self.

It is vital to stay true to ourselves in relationships, so we feel fulfilled and content.

A Fulfilling Relationship

To have a happy and fulfilling relationship, it is crucial for both partners to feel they can be themselves.

They need to have the freedom to be their own person and not have to constantly change their identity to fit in with the other person.

We achieve a happy and fulfilling relationship through strong foundations in our authentic self and the freedom to continue growing as individuals—these strong foundations in our authentic self transfer over to our relationships.

Therefore, to maintain a healthy relationship and continue to grow, we must make it a point to reconnect with what is important to us.

Authentic Self

Journaling to uncover our authentic self is a helpful first step.

Sitting in a quiet place and asking questions like these below helps to cultivate the information we need to navigate our relationships:

  • What are my values? 
  • What makes me happy? 
  • What brings me joy? 
  • What makes me feel proud of myself? 
  • What or who do I appreciate in my life? 
  • What have been my greatest triumphs? 
  • What do I like about myself?

Having a strong sense of self is essential for engaging in healthy relationships.

Carving out time in a busy schedule to spend time with ourselves is a gift of knowledge, compassion, and empathy.

We uncover our true strengths by looking at ourselves, our journey, and the lessons we have learned along the way.

How to Reconnect with Our Authentic Self

Our authentic selves are the core of who we are as individuals.

Taking simple steps to uncover your authentic self is the best way to find self-love inspiration and set goals for positive changes.

The following exercises can help you discover your true self:

  • Write down your strengths and weaknesses.
  • Look at pictures of yourself as a child, teenager, young adult, and parent. Then, reconnect to those versions of yourself by describing critical points of each stage of your personal development. 
  • Journal how you would describe yourself to another person.
  • Remember a time when you felt most excited about your life? What did you do? What did you wear? 
  • Who have been the most significant influences in your life?
  • What are the turning points of your life?
  • Write a passionate and detailed love letter to yourself. 

It can be easy to lose sight of who we are and what we want for ourselves as individuals in relationships.

We may find ourselves compromising our values to accommodate others or going along with things we don’t enjoy to keep the peace.

It’s essential to take a step back and remember what grounds us as individuals.

When we’re grounded in our authentic selves, it gives us a solid foundation from which to approach all of our relationships.

Grounding Authentic Self in Relationships 

We all want to be in happy, lasting relationships.

But what does it take to make that happen? One crucial ingredient is grounding. Grounding ourselves in our authentic selves helps create a solid foundation for our relationships.

Relationships fall apart when relationships are out of balance, and people are out of touch with their true selves. The sense of peace, security, and love that was once there can quickly fade. 

When we’re grounded, we’re more likely to act from a place of authenticity and integrity – two critical ingredients for any healthy relationship.

The problem is that sometimes we may start to compromise our values and preferences to fit in or please the other person, which leads to feeling unhappy or resentful over time.

Influences on Our Authentic Self

It takes a lot of effort, hard work, and courage to stay grounded in our authentic selves.

Most of us have been conditioned for our entire lives to be someone other than who we are.

For example, messages we’re told like, ‘act like a lady, or ‘big boys don’t cry’ create changes in our beliefs around what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior.

Being expected to change our behavior from the essence of who we are as individuals cause us to walk around in a fog, not even knowing who we are or what we want in our own skin.

As a result, we lose our sense of connectedness with ourselves and others. 

Tips for Grounding in Relationships

Most of us have had the experience of losing ourselves in a relationship. And without realizing it, we end up giving our power away or losing ourselves in trying to gain the other person’s approval.

So if you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’re not feeling grounded in yourself, it’s time to do some self-evaluation.

Tips for Self Evaluation

  • Be consistently you. Do not expect other people to change according to your needs. This applies to you as well. We are who we are, and we should not change ourselves according to others’ needs. It is not acceptable to change your identity or who you are just so that you can be in a relationship. Be true to yourself, so you are happy, whether in a relationship or not.
  • Always be kind. Treat the other person with kindness and respect. That way, you retain some sensitivity for the good qualities in that person and do not feel negative about your perceptions of their shortcomings.
  • Know what matters to you. If we don’t know what’s important to us, we will likely compromise in a relationship. We will allow our partner or friends to be right when we should follow our hearts. But, on the other hand, if we know what the essential things in life are to us, it will be easier to go after them.
  • Be yourself. You must be true to yourself before you can be your best self. If you are not honest, or if you lie to yourself and the other person, you will keep feeling like something isn’t quite right. Be your unique, beautiful, magnificent, magical, and magnetic authentic self, and you will attract similar people to your life.
  • Know what you want to say. If you’re with someone you care about, like a friend or a loved one, make sure you know what you want to say before you say it. It’s easier if you have a plan of action, so you don’t have to feel anxious about your words. Practice speaking what is in your heart out loud before you communicate it to others.
  • Express your feelings. Expressing how we feel about a situation is a form of emotional intelligence. Practice emotional intelligence through healthy expressions of emotions. 

Grounding as Self-Care

Grounding is also a powerful testament to the importance of self-care.

Grounding allows us to be more present and available to others, make healthy choices, and view ourselves and our relationships in a state of appreciation. 

A daily practice of appreciating your authentic self is a powerful way to take care of your own needs.

Exploring the essence of who we are and what makes us tick is a great way to practice unconditional love with ourselves, check our mental well-being, and reflect on the critical lessons we have learned.

It is essential to stay true to authenticity so that you feel fulfilled and content. It can be easy in our relationships to get swept up in the other person and lose track of ourselves.

As a result, we may start neglecting our own needs and wants or putting aside things that are important to us. 

We must stay grounded in who we are to create lasting, fulfilling relationships. When we are grounded, we bring our authentic selves into the relationship experience.

This makes us feel contentment and fulfillment because we stay true to ourselves.

My Story

I was doing divorce practice for just shy of 14 years.

I had my mediation practice for court-sanctioned mediation. Court-sanctioned divorce agreements are for shared parenting plans for dependent children.

Shared parenting plans include access by creating a visitation schedule and financial arrangements like who would pay for what and who would give the kids driving lessons when needed, and how time is shared between parents regarding raising their children they had together.

Over the years, I realized I would consistently see couples in similar anniversary years of their marriage.

The consistent years where couples were seeking a divorce or separation with a parenting agreement were three years, seven years, twelve years, and twenty-one years.

My number was twenty-five.

My Reflection

In reflection on my number of twenty-five, I decided to consider what that meant.

My ex-husband and I spent a quarter of a century together. More than half of our lives at the time of our divorce.

Being in relationships together for so many years, I can say some of it was good, and some of it was essential for my personal growth to become a better person. 

As we moved through the growing edges of our learning, we both became better people in terms of how we parented and the decisions we made together in our lives.

We had financial abundance, we had material possessions, and we had lived the life that many people aspire to and never achieve.  

No Room for Individuality

Looking back and reflecting on that time in my life, I realized that there was no grounding in our individuality and no grounding in our authentic self in our relationship because there wasn’t room for it.

There wasn’t room for individuality because we had roles we needed to play out. These roles transitioned from girlfriend and fiancé to wife and mother.

We also each had roles relating to the work we were doing.

I was a student when we were married, and we had already been together for several years.

We had rules to fulfill our roles as they related to our marriage. When I reached out for what I wanted for myself, like business development, or continuing education, these activities had to fit within the context of our relationship and expectations.

Regardless of what we each individually desired, there were expected or required actions when engaged in our relationship and family.

When our relationship started to deteriorate, we each had our perspectives on the causes. Sometimes they were diverse, and sometimes they were similar.

What we didn’t do was ground into individuality and the authenticity of ourselves to make those essential components a part of the equation.

Re-Bound Relationships

Later on, after my divorce, I was immediately in a series of other relationships, and I recognized similar patterns in each connection.

Again, the common denominator was me, which was hard to take, but there was also a clear distinction between three separate entities within an intimate relationship. 

Discovering Three Entities to Relationships

These three separate entities need to be considered, and I contextualize them as islands.

I love the sea, and anybody who knows me knows I love water, nature, and islands. So, I contextualize this insight as three little islands.

These islands are like Relationships for Life Islands. They include You Island, Me Island, and We Island. This concept is applied in any relationship.

When exploring this idea, we can look at our place of work, our family of origin, and our friend groups. 

In my case, We Island is where we ground into our home, family, expectations, and everything that keeps We Island going. But You Island and Me Island are vital to the survival of We Island. It’s like an ecosystem.

You Island and Me Island each need to ground into each person’s authentic self on We Island.

If we don’t ground ourselves into our authentic self, we’re on We Island, and we think that’s who we are.

This is the source of conflict that arises between couples.

Conflict and Relationships

Conflict begins to manifest and grow when we don’t have a clear sense of ourselves.

For example, it’s like the oxygen mask on the airplane analogy. We’re on the plane going to We Island, and on our journey, something happens. The oxygen masks come down, so we immediately take the mask in front of us and put it over our spouse’s mouth and nose and our children’s mouth and nose, and then we suffocate.

Likewise, by putting all of ourselves into a relationship, without maintaining clear boundaries between where we end, and the other person begins, we lose ourselves. 

Maintaining a clear sense of ourselves to ground ourselves in a purely wholehearted and courageous way means we put on our oxygen mask first.

Then, we help our loved ones if they need help. 

Navigating Relationships

When coming together with one another to travel to our destination of We Island, we present our authentic selves.

Then we start to navigate and negotiate our trip to We Island. Until that happens, I believe in my experience, education, and research, that if we don’t ground ourselves first, we miss opportunities to grow into healthy relationships.

Then, one day, we get married, and we’re all happy in the honeymoon phase for the first few years, and then the pivotal years come into sight, and we see a way out.

Sharing my story is intended to offer insight. It is not my intention to promote marriage or divorce.

This system of thinking is applied in any relationship and is a lesson I have learned to engage in healthy relationships, starting with my relationship with myself on Me Island.

Risks in Relationships

If we don’t have a solid grounding in who we are and don’t present that to the world from a space of authenticity, we risk engaging in relationships that aren’t necessarily healthy for us. That’s the risk.

I don’t know about you, but who wants to live their lives pretending to be somebody else or accommodating to suit roles that we think we need to fit?

Living throughout our lives and waking up at the end of the day and asking, “why did I do that?” or “why did I have to wait until awakening to become who I truly am?” 

Strategies for Grounding Ourselves

There are three essential steps to ground ourselves into our authentic self:

  • Step 1: Choose Love
  • Step 2: Set Boundaries
  • Step 3: Communicate

Step 1: Choose Love

To start, we need to have a clear sense of ourselves.

Then, we must do the work to face the uncomfortable and the messy to get through to cultivating the beautiful and true strengths within who we are. We achieve this by committing to choosing love first.

We choose love to explore different parts of ourselves, our interests and needs, our values, what we desire, and who we hope to become.

How do I handle myself?

Next, we decide how we want to handle ourselves.

Deciding how we want to conduct ourselves is a way for us to ground into who we are as a person.

We protect ourselves vehemently by choosing love first, then deciding how we want to handle ourselves. I don’t mean to defend ourselves by pushing other people away, shutting down, or closing into ourselves. Instead, we consciously decide to set boundaries around ourselves by protecting ourselves.

As a result, we are confident, empowered, and comfortable saying, “this is Me Island.” 

  • We don’t let the opinions of others influence what we choose to do or how we spend our time. Likewise, we don’t let how other people feel about our decisions or choices affect us.
  • We don’t let other people determine how we choose to spend time with ourselves, other people, our work, hobbies, projects, and activities. 
  • We don’t let the opinions of others influence any of our relationships or activities we’re involved in, especially when it’s something that’s truly aligned with what we want ourselves to achieve in our personal growth and personal development goals.

Step 2: Set Boundaries

Step two is when we have done our self-exploration and start to set boundaries around ourselves.

We set boundaries around ourselves, and we safeguard ourselves.

Safeguarding ourselves means setting boundaries around our time, our energy, our focus, and everything that we want and need to be able to achieve what we want to achieve and become in this life. 

Step 3: Communicate

Step three is all about communication.

Setting boundaries is a form of social skills. Throughout our lives, setting boundaries is mainly undeveloped. Part of being undeveloped is because we need to listen to our parents and caregivers when we’re growing up.

Our parents’ and caregivers’ role is to have our best interests in mind to keep us safe and healthy to grow. During this time, we must follow the rules, which carry on into other aspects of our lives.

So when we start to look at setting boundaries, we must first ensure that we have the necessary communication skills. 

Setting boundaries is necessary to exercise social skills, and communication skills are essential to set boundaries effectively.

Some critical communication skills and social skills we need to consider:

  • Carve out sacred space to prepare what we want to discuss with the other person. 
  • Take time to reflect so we know when we do present it to the person, we are consciously aware and living through our values, our needs, and our interest in the relationship
  • Be mindful of the emotions that emerge and how to manage those to be able to present what we want to talk about with the other person that respects ourselves, the other person, and the relationship 

Active Listening Skills

Practicing active listening skills presents us with opportunities to develop robust capacities around how we manage ourselves. Some critical strategies for active listening include:

  • “I” Statements
  • Assertive Communication
  • Open-Ended Questions

Summary

Throughout our lives, relationships come in many forms.

Grounding in our authentic self is necessary to engage in healthy relationships.

Grounding into ourselves includes:

  • Communicating honestly.
  • Being aware of what we need emotionally and physically.
  • Setting boundaries.
  • Staying true to our values.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

References

Brené Brown Quotes (Author of Daring Greatly). (n.d.). http://Www.goodreads.com. https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/162578.Bren_Brown

Honoryouressence. (2022, April 6). Top 10 Personal Growth Reads for 2022. Honor Your Essence. https://honoryouressence.com/top-10-personal-growth-reads-for-2022/

Provisional number of marriages and marriage rate: United States, 2000-2020. (n.d.). https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/dvs/national-marriage-divorce-rates-00-20.pdf