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How Powerful Life Lessons Transformed Me from Wounded Healer to Spiritual Warrior

Estimated reading time: 28 minutes

Are you looking for meaningful transformation? This empowering story reveals how I developed from a wounded healer to a spiritual warrior by embracing pivotal life lessons.

It’s taken me five years to share this story, revealing my own personal growth journey.

I hope this story helps you unlock your potential and start your journey to self-discovery today!

Background

The term “wounded healer” has been used in various cultural contexts and is defined in various cultures.

Ultimately, the meaning is consistent across cultures, and each healer uses their life lessons to help others.

Four explanations of a wounded healer in practice are:

  1. Jungian Theory of “Wounded Healer”
  2. The Shaman
  3. Traditional Healer (Medicine Man or Medicine Woman)
  4. Elders

Wounded Healer

In 1951, the famous Swiss psychologist Carl Jung introduced the concept of the “wounded healer.”

According to Jung, a healer who has experienced and overcome personal trauma and suffering uniquely helps others in their own healing journeys by sharing life lessons.

Jung believed experiencing a “disease of the soul” is an advantage for a healer, as it provides a deep understanding of the pain and struggles their patients are going through.

Through their healing process, wounded healers gain valuable insights and wisdom to assist others in their healing journeys.

This concept highlights the importance of self-reflection and personal growth for those who aspire to help others in their own healing journeys.

Shaman

The shaman is a type of healer who has undergone personal struggles and battled their own inner turmoil, earning the title of “wounded healer.”

They possess the gift of clairvoyance and communication, enabling them to interact with spirits and animal guides to help relieve others of their suffering.

Traditional Healer

A traditional healer and spiritual guide who caters to Indigenous communities in the Americas is commonly known as a Medicine Man or Medicine Woman.

The various cultures within these communities have their own unique terminologies, expressed in their respective languages, to refer to the spiritual healers and ceremonial leaders within their particular cultural context.

Elders

In First Nations communities across Canada, we have Elders to guide us through our stages of life.

Elders are the source of wisdom and leadership in our communities and offer a wealth of knowledge to help us become who we are meant to be in this life as we prepare for the next.

They share their own experiences and life lessons to help us become clear in our focus and path.

Although I had visited and worked with Elders throughout my life, I first met with Elders in southern Alberta, who helped me begin my healing journey in 2018.

Native American Proverb

There is a well-known Native American proverb that speaks to the idea of the “wounded healer.”

“The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.”

This proverb suggests that through our struggles and hardships, our “wounds,” we gain wisdom and insight that we can use to help others.

Only by experiencing pain and suffering can we truly empathize with others going through similar experiences and offer them the guidance and support they need through sharing our life lessons.

The wounded healer has faced their own personal struggles and has emerged from those struggles with a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them.

They use their own experiences to help others who are struggling to guide them on their own path to healing.

This proverb is a powerful reminder that our wounds and struggles are not something to be ashamed of or to hide from but rather something to embrace and learn from.

  • We become stronger and more compassionate by embracing our own pain and suffering.
  • We use our experiences to help others who are going through similar struggles.

My Story

The journey from being a wounded healer to a spiritual warrior is a transformative and life-changing experience.

It was a journey of deep healing, personal growth, and spiritual awakening that helped me tap into my true potential and become a more powerful and authentic healer.

Early in my career, I was drawn to healing work as a way of helping others, but I often neglected my needs and struggled to maintain my sense of balance and well-being.

As a wounded healer, I struggled with my own wounds and traumas and often felt like I was carrying the world’s weight.

Over time, however, I realized my wounds were not a liability but a source of strength and wisdom.

Through my own healing journey, I learned to embrace my vulnerabilities and use them as a source of compassion and empathy for others.

I also began cultivating a deeper connection to my spiritual self and tapping into a source of inner strength and resilience I had never known before.

Personal Growth Journey

As I continued to grow and evolve, I felt a shift in my perspective and my approach to healing work.

I began to see myself not as a wounded healer but as a spiritual warrior.

I saw myself as someone who had faced the darkness and emerged stronger and more resilient, with a deep sense of purpose and a commitment to serving others.

Spiritual Warrior

As a spiritual warrior, I approach healing work with a new sense of confidence and power.

I draw on my experiences of transformation and growth to guide and support others on their journeys of healing and self-discovery.

Sharing life lessons, I see my role not as fixing or healing others but as holding space for their transformation and growth.

Empowering them to tap into their inner strength and wisdom.

Life-Changing Experience

The journey from being a wounded healer to a spiritual warrior was not easy, but it was deeply rewarding and life-changing.

It helped me tap into my inner strength and resilience and embrace my own wounds and vulnerabilities as a source of power and wisdom.

Through self-discovery, I became a more effective and authentic healer with a deeper sense of purpose and a commitment to serving others compassionately and empoweringly.

As I continue my journey as a spiritual warrior, I am grateful for the life lessons and experiences that have brought me to this point.

I am committed to living my life purposefully and serving others with compassion, empathy, and deep respect for their own unique paths and journeys.

Feeling Unfulfilled

I started seeing a psychologist early on in my career in 2000.

As I taught post-secondary students about helping relationships, I always recommended anyone in the helping field have an impartial third party to process experiences.

A psychologist or mentor helps us unpack and make sense of our roles as helpers.

Despite my weekly visits with my psychologist, I felt lost and unfulfilled.

While the therapy sessions were helpful in some ways, I knew something was missing. I craved a deeper, more spiritual connection to help me find true healing.

That’s when I decided to seek spiritual guidance from First Nations Elders.

Although I was always aware of the presence of Elders in spiritual healing, I had never sought out traditional practices as a source of healing.

Seeking Traditional Healing

Growing up with my Kokums (grandmothers), I had always been drawn to their deep reverence for the natural world and their wisdom about the interconnectedness of all things.

I remember my aunt always offering tobacco when fishing or picking blueberries. This is a sign of gratitude for Mother Earth and the sacrifice to provide us sustenance.

Feeling lost after massive changes in my life, I needed to follow my heart and seek out the wisdom of the Elders to reconnect with my roots and truly help me on my journey of coming home to myself.

So, I embarked on my own journey, seeking Elders who could offer me guidance and wisdom.

Embracing Wisdom

A friend in our community was active in offering others traditional ceremony experiences to celebrate our culture and provide healing opportunities to those in need.

I reached out to him, sharing my story and what I sought in my life. He understood and coordinated a meeting with an Elder to provide guidance on what may be helpful in my situation.

We met about a week later at a café in a small town outside of our city. To this day, I cannot fully describe the experience as it was powerful, heartwarming, and reassuring.

The Elder we met had his own story to share, and after sharing mine, he eloquently and compassionately told me his.

In our discussions, the message was clear.

We all must choose our identity in this life.

Once we become clear on our identity, we choose our path forward.

Choosing My Identity

I grew up in a multicultural home. My parents were of different ethnicity, deeply embedded in their languages and cultures, yet we only spoke English at home.

My dad was Russian, and my mom is Cree Metis (First Nations).

I have only ever known how to exist between worlds. However, being on the fringe has given me the gift of impartiality.

My sense of being an outsider is likely why my first career choice was to be a police officer.

I then landed in mediation practice and eventually teaching. Today, as I wind down my teaching career, I am a writer. Each on the outside in their own way.

The Elder told me that I must choose an identity to find healing.

He also shared a story about how the source of my suffering, despair, and uncertainty was from living between worlds. Choosing one does not mean abandoning another.

He explained further that whichever identity I choose, he will welcome me to a Sweat Lodge Ceremony.

We ended our meeting, and I left feeling refreshed and clearer about the task ahead.

I was at a crossroads in life and needed to choose who I would become to move forward.  

Crossroads and Choosing a Path to Move Forward

Being at a crossroads in life is a daunting and overwhelming experience.

It is a time of great uncertainty when we are forced to confront difficult questions about who we are and what we want out of life.

For many of us, this moment comes when we face a choice about our identity.

We may have been living our lives according to someone else’s expectations, or we may have been unsure of who we truly are.

But at the crossroads, we are forced to choose a path and decide who we want to be.

This is a scary and intimidating process. It requires us to confront our fears and doubts to decide to shape the rest of our lives. But it is also an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.

At the crossroads, we have the chance to:

  • take control of our own lives,
  • define ourselves on our own terms, and
  • move forward with a sense of purpose and direction.

We shed the expectations of others and embrace our true identity, allowing us to live our lives authentically and honestly.

Of course, this is easier said than done.

Choosing a path is painful and difficult, requiring us to let go of certain things holding us back.

It also requires us to confront our limitations and step outside our comfort zones.

But in the end, it is worth it.

By choosing a path, we move forward confidently and clearly, knowing we are living our lives with purpose and intention.

We embrace our own identity and live our lives in a way that is true to ourselves.

My Path Forward

After spending a few weeks in deep self-reflection, contemplating how to move forward, I decided.

I contacted my friend, and we set a date to meet with the Elders for a Sweat Lodge Ceremony on the traditional Blackfoot Territory in southern Alberta.

Preparing for the Sweat Lodge Ceremony

We arrived at the Elders’ home in the early morning of mid-November 2018.

Tucked along the Rocky Mountains, the view was spectacular, and the air was crisp and fresh.

I won’t get into the exact experience overall and will only share my perspective to honor the ceremony and its participants.

After greeting us with coffee, we sat around the wood fire as the helpers prepared the stones to take into the Sweat Lodge.

The Sweat Lodge itself was a constructed dome covered with tarps and secured into the ground. The inside had a large fire pit in the center where the rocks would be added.

Once we were ready, we changed into our appropriate attire. I brought a long cotton skirt and t-shirt to help absorb the heat.

Sweat Lodge Ceremony

The experience was intense and transformative, pushing me to my physical and emotional limits.

Ultimately leading me to a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me.

As I entered the Sweat Lodge, I was immediately struck by the heat and darkness surrounding me. The only light came from the hot stones that had been heated for hours and were now glowing red in the center of the Lodge.

The air was thick with the smell of sage and sweetgrass. The sound of singing and drumming filled the space.

I felt a sense of both excitement and trepidation. Knowing I was about to embark on a journey that would challenge me in ways I couldn’t yet imagine.

As the ceremony began, the heat inside the lodge intensified. I felt sweat pouring down my face and body.

The singing and drumming grew louder, and I closed my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing to stay present in the moment.

As the ceremony progressed, I felt a sense of release and surrender.

Letting go of the thoughts and worries weighing on me for so long.

I felt connected to the other participants in the lodge. All working together to create a safe and supportive space for healing.

Midway through the ceremony, the Elders said a prayer for me coming home. They asked Creator for wisdom to offer as guidance.

Then, the Elder I met weeks before gave me a beautiful name.

Naming

Being named by the Elders in a traditional Sweat Lodge Ceremony was a deeply moving and transformative experience for me.

It was a moment of profound connection and affirmation. I was welcomed home into our community and given a new name to reflect my true essence and purpose.

“Mah-Nis-Da-Gee” (Woman of Many Tribes).

The Elder explained my journey to our ceremony, how my experiences between worlds and my desire to come home shaped the vision for my future.

I am a woman of many tribes, and moving forward, I carry this name.

The Sweat Lodge Ceremony was a challenging but transformative experience.

I felt a sense of release and surrender. Letting go of my fears and doubts.

Opening myself up to the Elders’ guidance and the traditional ceremony’s wisdom.

As the ceremony progressed, I felt a growing sense of connection to the other participants and the natural world around us.

I was moved by the Elders’ depth of knowledge and experience who led us through the process.

I felt deeply grateful for the opportunity to participate in such a powerful and transformative ceremony.

After The Sweat Lodge Ceremony

After the Sweat Lodge Ceremony, the Elders invited us to share our experiences and reflections.

As I spoke about my journey, I felt a sense of clarity and purpose I had never felt before.

I realized I had been holding back from fully embracing my true self and calling. The ceremony helped me break through those barriers and embrace my true potential.

Emerging from the Sweat Lodge feeling exhausted and exhilarated showed me I had pushed myself to my physical and emotional limits. Still, I also experienced a sense of clarity and understanding I had never felt before.

I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the opportunity to participate in such a powerful and transformative ceremony.

The guidance and support of the Elders who led us through the process by sharing their life lessons and wisdom were endearing.

With a new name, I recognized the truest and most authentic parts of myself. In addition, I heard the call to live my life in alignment with those values.

In the days and weeks following the ceremony, I carried my new name as a source of strength and inspiration.

It reminded me of the power of community and tradition and the wisdom and guidance of the Elders who led us through the process.

It also gave me a sense of direction and purpose. For the first time in my life, I had a clear vision of the path ahead.

Continued Personal Growth

In the days and weeks following the Sweat Lodge Ceremony, I reflected on the experience and what it taught me.

I realized I had been holding onto much fear and uncertainty in my life and that the ceremony helped me confront and move past those feelings.

I also felt a renewed sense of connection to the natural world and the traditional wisdom of the Elders and our culture.

The journey of self-discovery is a lifelong process, but the Sweat Lodge Ceremony gave me a powerful starting point.

It taught me to confront my fears and limitations, trust in my own strength and resilience, and connect with something larger than myself.

I am grateful for the opportunity to participate in this ceremony and the life lessons and insights it gave me on my self-discovery journey.

And most importantly, I found a sense of inner peace and healing that had eluded me for so long.

The Elders’ guidance and wisdom helped me see my life differently.

Most importantly, I understand my place in the world more profoundly and meaningfully.

Coming Home to Myself

After meeting with the Elders, I felt like I was finally returning home to myself and my roots.

It was as though I had been lost and wandering for years, searching for something I couldn’t quite name, but now I had found it.

The experience of meeting with the Elders was a powerful one. They welcomed me with open arms and shared their wisdom, teachings, and life lessons gently and profoundly.

Through their guidance, I shed the old layers of my identity, the masks I had worn for so long to fit in and please others.

It was a process of unlearning. Letting go of the things that no longer served me and rediscovering the parts of myself I had forgotten.

I began to see myself in a new light as though a veil had been lifted from my eyes.

And the newfound clarity came with a deep sense of peace and wholeness.

Liberating Self-Discovery

For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was myself again.

Or, rather, a new version of myself who is more authentic, grounded, and at peace.

I was no longer trying to be someone I wasn’t or trying to fit into a mold that didn’t quite fit.

I was simply me, and I was enough.

It was a liberating feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. And it gave me a sense of purpose and direction I had been missing for so long.

I knew challenges and struggles would still be ahead, but I also knew I had the tools and wisdom to face them with grace and strength.

Looking back on that experience, I am filled with gratitude and reverence for the Elders’ wisdom and guidance.

They helped me find my way back to myself, my roots, and the things that truly matter.

And I know their teachings will continue to guide me as I progress on my journey.

Time to Clean up My Life!

Four months after my first Sweat Lodge Ceremony experience, I returned for a second ceremony in April 2019.

My time between these experiences had been tumultuous. Although I felt inner peace with embracing my identity, the world around me had not adapted.

Meaning I felt renewed inside but continued living the same way I had before coming home to myself.

It didn’t work, and changes need to be made.

I recognized how I continued to live life around me in a way that did not align with the life force from within me or my core values. This lack of alignment brought conflict into my life.

After the second ceremony, I felt more confident about living the life I wanted. I was ready to take action immediately.

But first, I needed to remove anything from my life I allowed to steal my peace.

I decided to commit to twelve months of complete clarity with myself.

This is how I achieved clarity.

Abstinence

I had believed I needed an intimate relationship since changing my life and leaving a twenty-five-year marriage.

These relationships were not fulfilling and needed to be aligned with who I was and what I desired from a partnership.

Getting clear meant removing intimate relationships from my life for at least one year.

This gave me time to see what I would learn about myself and what I desired.

Sobriety

I sought companionship and comfort in the party crowd after my divorce.

Initially, feeling free and liberated, I soon learned this was a false sense of freedom and wasn’t at all empowering.

I was lonely and flailing.

The false comfort gave me only moments of the connection I sought.

I needed to remove alcohol and all the companionships paired with it to be clear and focused on where I was going.

Travel

I am a woman of many tribes.

Yet, I spent my life amongst familiar surroundings, people, jobs, and habits.

I yearned to experience the world and life outside of my comfort zone.

It was time I cleared my plate to travel and learn from other cultures and people.

I also needed to learn I am self-sufficient and will survive on my own in the world.

Abstinence

Noticing the need for change is a difficult but essential step in our personal growth and transformation.

For me, this realization came in the form of recognizing the impact alcohol and intimate relationships had on my life.

Deciding to take a year-long break from both was empowering and liberating.

It was not an easy decision, requiring a lot of self-reflection and honesty.

I always enjoyed social drinks but had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

In the first year after the divorce, I had been in and out of relationships. Mostly to fill the void of a partner because I believed I was flawed by not having one.

Amid one of my breakups and subsequent tearful calls, my soul sister said, “STOP trying to make a puzzle piece fit when it doesn’t!”

Her view from the outside of my relationships was much more enlightening than my view from within. I am grateful.

I’m chuckling as I write this because, wow. Just wow. So grateful.

My habits with alcohol and relationships took a toll on my mental and emotional health.

Allowing them to take up space in my life prevented me from living my life to the fullest.

Sobriety

I realized alcohol had become a crutch, numbing my emotions and avoiding the difficult feelings I needed to process.

I also realized my relationships had become a source of distraction, and I was not fully present or authentic in them.

So, I made the decision to take a break. I committed to abstaining from alcohol for one year and taking a break from intimate relationships.

Creating New Healthy Habits

At first, it was a scary and uncertain time.

After the first month, it became profound growth and liberating. This led to transformation.

Without alcohol, I was forced to confront my emotions and process them healthily and constructively.

  • Leaning on prayer and smudging with sage and sweetgrass, I embraced the traditional teachings of my Elders.
  • I also re-connected with my psychologist and rolled up my sleeves to dive into the deep end. Unpacking old patterns of behavior and re-discovering my core values.
  • I discovered new hobbies and interests that brought me joy and fulfillment, and I began to see the world with fresh eyes.

Without relationships, I focused on my personal growth and development.

  • I learned to be more comfortable with being alone and value my company and presence.
  • I also began to develop deeper and more meaningful connections with the people around me as I was more fully present and engaged in my interactions with them.
  • Embracing and creating space for my role in raising women was focused and purposeful.

The year passed quickly, and before I knew it, it was time to reintroduce alcohol and intimate relationships back into my life.

But the experience changed me.

I approached these aspects of my life with a newfound sense of conscious intention and mindfulness.

A life lesson I learned is noticing the need for change is difficult. But it is a catalyst for growth and transformation.

By taking a break from alcohol and intimate relationships, I was able to confront my own limitations and embrace new possibilities for my life.

My one year turned longer and was a transformative and life-affirming experience.

I am grateful for the life lessons and growth it brought me.

Travel

In May 2019, I decided to move to China.

I sold or gave away all of my personal possessions, furniture, house, and vehicles.

It was a decision that required courage, faith, and a willingness to step out of my comfort zone and embrace the unknown.

As I made the decision to leave behind my old life and start anew, I felt a mix of emotions.

In the weeks prior to my move, I felt excitement, fear, and a deep sense of uncertainty.

I was leaving behind a life I had built for myself, along with family and friends who had been a constant source of love and support.

But I also knew that this was the right decision for me.

I had been feeling stagnant and unfulfilled in my old life, and I knew I needed a new direction, a new challenge, and a new sense of purpose.

I said goodbye to my loved ones and boarded a plane to China on December 12th, 2019.

With only two suitcases and a carry-on, I wrapped myself in homemade moccasins and mink fur to comfort myself on the plane.

It was a daunting journey but also one filled with possibility and potential.

Discovering Self-Sufficiency

As I settled into my new life in China, I discovered a newfound sense of freedom and possibility.

I let go of the baggage of my old life and embraced new experiences and opportunities I would never have thought possible.

I also discovered a new sense of independence and self-reliance.

With only my two suitcases and a carry-on, I was forced to simplify my life and focus on the essentials.

I learned to rely on my strength and resourcefulness, and trust in the universe to guide me on my path.

There were challenges and obstacles along the way, but I embraced them as opportunities for growth and learning.

I learned to navigate a new culture, communicate with people who spoke a different language, and find my place in a new community.

I felt strong and resilient by continuing to lean on my spiritual practices and meeting my psychologist in video calls, especially when COVID hit.

Looking back on my decision, I know it was right for me.

This decision allowed me to break free from old patterns and limitations and embrace new possibilities for my life.

I am grateful for the experience and the sense of freedom, purpose, and direction it gave me.

The journey taught me the power of letting go and embracing new experiences with an open heart and a clear mind.

Raising Women

Someone asked me how I could possibly leave my life and my family behind.

They asked what example am I setting for my daughters when they still needed me.

As a mother, one of our most important responsibilities is to raise our daughters to be strong, confident, and empowered women.

Our daughters are the future, and we must instill the values and principles to help them thrive and positively impact the world.

One of the most important values we teach our daughters is setting healthy boundaries.

My intention in raising women is to set healthy boundaries around our most authentic selves, claiming our space and protecting our value.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Far too often, women are socialized to put the needs of others ahead of their own, to sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of others.

But this is not sustainable, and it needs to be healthier.

  • We must teach our daughters it is not only okay to set boundaries but also necessary for their well-being and happiness.
  • It’s ok to say “no” when needed and to stand up for themselves and their needs.

This is a crucial skill in serving our daughters well throughout their lives.

Being a Role Model

Being a mother of daughters is not just about raising our daughters. It’s about making a difference for all women worldwide.

We must be mentors and role models for other women and create a community of support and empowerment.

By teaching and mentoring core values like setting healthy boundaries, we help to create a world where women are valued, respected, and empowered.

We help create a world where women are equal and free to pursue their dreams, take risks, and make a difference.

I liberated myself to pursue my dreams and take risks. The life lessons I learned make a difference for my daughters.

Living My Values

As a mother, I am committed to a vision of a better world for women.

I am committed to raising my daughters to be strong and empowered women and to being a mentor and role model for other women.

In 2018, I was not living my values in a way to merit being a role model for raising women.

I needed to take massive action to remove toxicity from my life, so I could heal and become the best version of myself for the next generations.

Moving to China threw us on a fast track to learning independence and self-sufficiency.

When I talk to my girls now, three years later, I see three independent, self-sufficient, and self-reliant women with unstoppable self-esteem and confidence.

This is a beautiful symptom of transformation.

7 Pivotal Life Lessons

My self-discovery and personal growth journey transformed me from a wounded healer to a spiritual warrior.

These are the seven pivotal life lessons I learned along the way:

  • Understand your triggers.
  • Face your fears head-on.
  • Embrace self-love and compassion.
  • Develop an awareness of the universe around you.
  • Practice mindful living every day.
  • Empower yourself.
  • Courageously live your legacy.

Life Lesson One: Understand Your Triggers

Every person has their own set of personal triggers.

Recognize and understand the people, places, and things causing pain or discomfort.

Some triggers can be avoided by understanding your core wounds and digging deeper into why these triggers affect you.

Other triggers may require you to learn new skills or practice self-care to make them more manageable.

Becoming aware of your triggers is a powerful step toward personal growth.

Life Lesson Two: Facing Your Fears Head-On

Fear is one of the most debilitating triggers.

However, facing situations making you feel anxious or scared is often the only way to push past a limiting belief truly.

To become a spiritual warrior, I had to challenge myself by doing things that caused me fear and discomfort.

First, I focused on small worries, such as being labeled as damaged for having divorced and being single.

Later, I learned to handle more significant issues, like stepping out of my comfort zone and embracing change.

Each fear conquered opened up new pathways to personal growth and fulfillment.

Life Lesson Three: Embrace Self-Love and Compassion

Another key life lesson I had to learn was how to love and accept myself.

True strength comes from inner peace.

To help me embrace self-love, I placed gentle reminders around my environment, such as fresh flowers, inspirational notes, and uplifting books.

I also began meditating every day and doing yoga to find stillness within.

Most importantly, I started to build more meaningful relationships with people who actively loved and supported me.

Embracing connection brought breathing space during those moments of darkness in which it was hard for me to love myself.

Life Lesson Four: Develop an Awareness of the Universe Around You

Developing an awareness of the universe around me also enabled me to grow spiritually and transform.

Spending time in nature and connecting with positive energies helped open my heart and remove blocks preventing me from being my most authentic self.

They say other powerful forces constantly support us. Still, I had lost sight of this connection as a wounded healer.

Spending too much time in my own head and not enough feeling into the supportive energies surrounding me.

Life Lesson Five: Practice Mindful Living Every Day

You must practice mindful living daily to unlock your potential and begin the transformation journey fully.

This means:

  • Engaging with yourself from a place of loving compassion.
  • Being honest about your feelings.
  • Pursuing experiences aligning with your core values.
  • Embrace the power of stillness to reconnect with your true self
  • Trust in the Divine support available to you.
  • Stay positive even through difficult times.

It takes courage, but it is well worth it.

Life Lesson Six: Empower Yourself

Empowering yourself to make choices that may seem selfish to others is one of the most courageous things you can do.

  • It takes strength and determination to put your needs and desires first.
  • Ignore the naysayers and critics.
  • Live your life on your own terms.

It’s not about being selfish. You have the right to live your life fulfilling and meaningfully.

Take control of your own destiny and actively contribute to the narrative of your legacy.

Too often, we are held back by the expectations and opinions of others.

We are told we should follow a certain path, prioritize the needs of others above our own, and sacrifice our own desires for the sake of others.

But this is not sustainable, and it needs to be healthier.

If we don’t care for ourselves or prioritize our needs and desires, we will become resentful, burnt out, and unhappy.

Life Lesson Seven: Courageously Live Your Legacy

It takes courage to break free from these expectations and to empower ourselves to make choices that may seem selfish to others.

But when we do, we open up a world of possibility and potential.

  • We create space for ourselves to pursue our passions and dreams.
  • Take risks and make mistakes.
  • Live our lives to the fullest.

And the best part is when we empower ourselves in this way, we become a source of inspiration and empowerment for others.

We learn it’s possible to live a life that is true to oneself, to follow one’s own dreams and desires, and actively contribute to the narrative of one’s legacy.

So, if you’re feeling stuck, if you’re feeling held back by the expectations of others, I urge you to take a step back and consider what is truly important to you.

  • Empower yourself to make choices that may seem selfish to others but are true to yourself.
  • Embrace the courage to live your life on your own terms and to actively contribute to the narrative of your own legacy.

You will be amazed at the difference it will make in your life and in the lives of those around you.

Summary

A personal growth journey from being a “wounded healer” to a “spiritual warrior.” transforms pain and suffering into strength and resilience.

  • I learned the importance of taking responsibility for my own actions and choices and not blaming others for conflict or difficulties.
  • Letting go of attachments and finding inner peace begins with choosing your identity and then the path to lead you home to yourself.

Through these experiences and life lessons, I cultivated a sense of purpose and meaning in my life and discovered a deeper connection with my own spirituality.

So, if you find yourself at a crossroads in life, know you are not alone.

It is a difficult and challenging time but also a time of great possibility and potential.

Embrace the uncertainty and trust that your chosen path will lead you where you need to be.

Choose your path with courage and confidence, and know you have the power to shape your own identity and your own future.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

References

Amazon.com: Carl Jung: Wounded Healer of the Soul: 9781780288314: Dunne, Claire: Books. (2023). Amazon.com. https://www.amazon.com/Carl-Jung-Wounded-Healer-Soul/dp/178028831X

(PDF) How Jung’s concept of the wounded healer can guide learning and teaching in social work and human services. (n.d.). ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/285591160_How_Jung

Stop Burning Yourself Out: How to Prioritize Yourself in Relationships

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

Learn the importance of self-care and how it can help you avoid burnout while holding space for others. Prioritize yourself by setting boundaries.

Discover practical and helpful statements for setting boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being in relationships.

Quote for Self-Care

The quote, “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm,” is a powerful reminder that you do not have to sacrifice your own well-being to help others.

As humans, we often have a natural tendency to prioritize the needs and happiness of those around us. While nothing is inherently wrong with this, neglecting our needs and joy becomes problematic.

Self-sacrifice is often seen as a virtue, and it can be rewarding to help others. However, it is crucial to recognize that there are limits to what we can give without hurting ourselves.

Ignoring these limits leads to burnout, resentment, and a loss of our own identity and sense of self-worth.

Prioritize Yourself

It is crucial to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfish; it is necessary.

Just as we must put on our own oxygen masks before helping others on a plane, we must prioritize our own well-being to help those around us effectively.

This can include setting boundaries, saying no to unreasonable requests, and taking time for self-care.

When we prioritize our own well-being, we become better equipped to help others in meaningful ways. By caring for ourselves, we can better show up for the people we care about with more energy, compassion, and empathy.

Moreover, setting boundaries and prioritizing our own well-being can set an example for those around us. It shows that we value ourselves and our needs and encourages others to do the same.

Setting Boundaries

By modeling self-care and self-respect, we create a culture of mutual care and respect that benefits everyone.

Here are some helpful statements to use when setting boundaries in your relationships:

  • “I need some space to focus on myself right now.”
  • “I appreciate your concern, but I need to make my own decisions.”
  • “I understand your perspective, but I need you to respect mine as well.”
  • “I need to set some boundaries to prioritize my well-being.”
  • “I’m not comfortable with that, and I need you to stop.”
  • “I need us to communicate more effectively and respectfully.”
  • “I need to be able to trust you, which means respecting my boundaries.”
  • “I need you to listen to me and validate my feelings.”
  • “I need to take a break from this conversation/argument to calm down.”
  • “I need to prioritize my own needs and wants sometimes, and that doesn’t mean I care any less about you.”

Summary

In conclusion, the quote “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm” reminds us that taking care of ourselves is not selfish but necessary for our well-being and those around us.

We must prioritize our own needs and happiness to be able to help others effectively.

By doing so, we take care of ourselves and set an example for others to follow, creating a culture of mutual care and respect.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

Self-Care Isn’t Selfish: How to Avoid Burnout While Supporting Others

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s an essential survival skill we should all prioritize in our daily lives.

Unfortunately, with life’s constant pressures and demands, neglecting our physical and mental health is easy, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

However, regular self-care practices are the solution to reducing stress, maintaining our health and well-being, and improving our quality of life.

Learn how to prioritize self-care and avoid burnout while supporting others with strategies in this blog post.

Discover the importance of regular self-care practices and how they improve your well-being.

Don’t let life’s constant pressures and demands get in the way of caring for yourself. Start prioritizing self-care today!

Background

There was a time when I used to believe self-care was a luxury, something reserved for people with extra time and money.

I was so busy caring for everyone else that I forgot to care for myself. So, for years, I made myself a second priority in my life, putting the needs and wants of others ahead of my own.

As a result, I found myself constantly tired, stressed, and unhappy.

This blog post lays out some of the self-care ideas I use daily.

Creating a Self-Care Plan

Supporting others is a fulfilling and rewarding experience, but it can also be emotionally and mentally taxing, leading to burnout.

Burnout can affect your overall well-being, job performance, and the quality of care you provide to those you support.

To avoid burnout while supporting others, consider the following strategies from my list of ideas I use in my own life:

  • Set clear boundaries in your relationships.
  • Take breaks throughout the day and each week to focus on yourself and what brings you joy.
  • Practice self-care each day and develop a routine.
  • Seek support from others to process emotions, experiences, and ideas.
  • Learn new stress management techniques and add them to your self-care plan.
  • Carve out time to engage in positive self-talk each day.

Set Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries for yourself and communicating them to others is important.

Define your work hours, the number of clients or patients you can manage, and the tasks you’re willing to take on.

Setting boundaries helps you avoid over committing, which leads to burnout.

Take Breaks

Taking breaks throughout the day helps you recharge and refocus your energy.

Schedule regular breaks to stretch, meditate or engage in other activities that help you relax and rejuvenate.

Even a few minutes of relaxation greatly affects your energy level and mental clarity.

Practice Self-Care

Self-care is critical when supporting others.

It includes eating well, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and engaging in hobbies bringing you joy.

Make self-care a priority to help you maintain your physical and emotional well-being.

Seek Support

It’s important to have a support system when supporting others.

  • Connect with colleagues, family, and friends who can offer emotional support and encouragement.
  • Join a support group or seek professional counseling if needed.
  • Find a compatible coach or mentor to process ideas, experiences, and emotions with strategic objectives for personal growth.

Manage Stress

Stress is a common cause of burnout.

Learn stress management techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga.

Practice these techniques regularly to help you manage stress and prevent burnout.

Engage in Positive Self-Talk

Positive self-talk is a powerful tool to help you stay motivated and focused.

Avoid negative self-talk, which leads to feelings of anxiety and self-doubt.

Instead, focus on positive affirmations reminding you of your strengths and accomplishments.

This is a great clip for starting out with affirmations. I use this one in the mornings when I am getting ready for work:

Listen to Your Wake-Up Call

It wasn’t until I experienced a life-changing event I realized self-care’s true importance. This experience was a wake-up call I couldn’t continue to ignore.

After reflection, I decided to make a change. Over time, I learned self-care wasn’t just about indulging in spa days or exotic vacations. Self-care is something needing to be nurtured each day.

I started making small changes to my daily routine, like meditating or going for a walk outside in the mornings as soon as I got out of bed.

I began to prioritize my health by making sure I ate well, got enough rest, and consciously made decisions about what was allowed in my space.

As I continued to make these small changes, I noticed a significant improvement in my overall well-being. I felt more energized, focused, and fulfilled.

Turn Inward

I also discovered that self-care was more than caring for my physical health.

Turning inward, I spent more time contemplating my emotional and spiritual health.

This led me to prioritize self-reflection, journaling, and investing time to decide how I spend my time consciously.

Self-care is about being intentional with your time and prioritizing your needs. It’s about taking the time to care for yourself to be the best version of yourself.

Discover Yourself

Through my journey, I also discovered that self-care is not a selfish act but rather a necessary one.

Through keeping a daily, weekly, and monthly journal, I discovered:

  • recognizing you are important and worthy of care and attention
  • setting boundaries and saying no when necessary
  • caring for yourself so you show up fully for others

If you’re someone who, like me, has been putting others ahead of yourself for too long, I encourage you to take the time to prioritize self-care.

Remember, self-care is:

  • Not just about the significant events on a highlight reel but the small things you do for yourself daily.
  • Being intentional with your time and making yourself a priority.

When you take care of yourself, you’ll find that you have more to give to those around you.

Starting a Self-Care Practice

Self-care empowers you to take control of your life and make positive changes to promote your overall well-being.

It’s a vital tool for preventing burnout, reducing stress, and increasing resilience, which can help you navigate life’s challenges more easily and gracefully.

By prioritizing self-care, you improve your physical, emotional, and mental health, increase productivity and enhance your relationships with others.

An essential survival skill, self-care, should be prioritized daily. Starting out, you may need to schedule a time to focus on yourself, and it’s ok. It’s a start.

Be patient with yourself as you venture into unexplored territory. Most importantly, be compassionate with yourself to nurture the growing edges of your learning.

Here’s how to get started:

  • Create new habits for regular self-care practices to reduce stress and maintain physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being.
  • Reflect and use journaling to set priorities and goals for who you desire to become.
  • Create a measurable action plan to make positive changes.

When we learn to empower ourselves to lead more fulfilling and meaningful lives, transformation to our most desired state of living begins!

Self-Care Ideas

Self-care takes many different forms and varies from person to person.

Here are some examples of how we care for ourselves:

  • establishing healthy routines throughout the days
  • getting enough sleep
  • eating a healthy diet
  • moving our bodies by exercising
  • spending time outdoors
  • connecting with family and loved ones
  • socializing with friends
  • engaging in a hobby
  • setting healthy boundaries
  • taking breaks to relax and unwind

Essentially, anything you do for yourself that makes you feel better or cared for is considered self-care.

I recently told my daughter the focus and the goal is to feel better. Moment by moment, find things to elevate how you feel.

Self- Reflection

One of the essential elements of a self-care journey is reflection.

Reflecting on your life, values, and goals helps you maintain focus, set priorities, and make informed decisions to support your overall well-being.

Reflection also helps you identify areas where you may neglect your needs and allows you to make positive changes to promote self-care and self-love.

Self-Care Digital Journal

I’ve created this digital journal to help you reduce overwhelm, so you focus on what matters.

In 2018, my youngest daughter gave me a paper journal focused on setting monthly intentions. I found this little gem a helpful source of inspiration as I was starting my own self-care journey at that time.

As the months went on, I needed more from a journal! So, taking the lessons learned from my own experiences and creating this journal has helped me achieve my goals with my continued path toward self-love and living a fulfilled life.

This self-care reflection journal is designed to help you prioritize your physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

What’s Included

  • 12 months of self-care reflection prompts
  • sample morning and nightly routines
  • monthly gratitude journaling prompts
  • 30 days of self-care ideas each month
  • inspiring content to empower you to embrace a growth mindset

This journal is the perfect tool to help you focus on yourself and make self-care a daily habit.

Each month, you’ll find a set of prompts to guide you through a deeper reflection on your self-care journey.

These prompts encourage you to explore your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors around self-care to help you identify areas of focus for improvement.

With consistent prompts each month, you’ll feel focused and supported on your growing edges of learning.

Get your digital download instantly HERE.

What You’ll Find

In addition to the reflection prompts, each month features 30 days of self-care ideas to inspire you.

From mindfulness exercises to creative activities, these daily prompts encourage you to take small steps towards a happier, healthier you. And because each month is different, you’ll always have new ideas to try!

  • Each page is designed to empower you and remind you of your worth by focusing on key areas of learning more about yourself.
  • Plus, with space for your own thoughts and reflections, you’ll be able to track your progress and see how far you’ve come!

With its comprehensive set of prompts, daily self-care ideas, and inspiring content, you’ll be empowered to focus within, take care of yourself, and live your best life.

This truth is learned only through self-development. To transform from a people pleaser to putting yourself first takes courage and love. Love for self and then for others.

Summary

Self-care isn’t selfish but rather an essential survival skill that should be prioritized in our daily lives.

Supporting others is a fulfilling experience, but taking care of yourself is essential to avoid burnout.

Neglecting our physical and mental health can overwhelm and exhaust us, especially with life’s constant pressures and demands.

When we are caught up in our roles and expectations, ours and others, it can be a painful process to set healthy boundaries in our relationships.

Regular self-care practices help reduce stress, maintain our health and well-being, and improve our overall quality of life. So take some time for yourself and prioritize your self-care routine.

Set boundaries, take breaks, practice self-care, seek support, manage stress, and engage in positive self-talk to maintain your overall well-being while supporting others.

Remember always to honor who you are, what you value, and who you want to become.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

How to Achieve Inner Peace and Live a Fulfilled Life

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Living a fulfilled life can bring you joy and contentment and help you to achieve inner peace that will make every day worth living.

Having the right attitude, rediscovering your authentic self, and understanding how to get the most out of life are essential steps on the journey toward a meaningful and satisfying life.

In this blog post, I share my stories and the valuable life lessons I have learned to help others achieve inner peace and live a fulfilled life.

Table of contents

  • Make Time for Yourself
  • Start Practicing Mindfulness to Achieve Inner Peace
  • Detach from Negativity and Stressful Situations
  • Express Gratitude and Appreciation for What You Have in Your Life
  • Spend Time Doing Things to Uplift Your Spirits
  • Consciously Choosing to Achieve Inner Peace
  • Live a Fulfilled Life
  • Surrender to Intuition
  • Choose Love on Your Path to Achieve Inner Peace
  • Get Started with 6 Resources to Achieve Inner Peace
  • Summary

    Make Time for Yourself

    Fulfilling your dreams and achieving inner peace means taking time for yourself. This is essential if you want to tune into your own needs and focus on self-care and self-love.

    Schedule time in your day to do something that brings you joy – read a book, go for a walk, learn something new, talk to a friend or engage in other activities that center around your well-being.

    Start small and gradually increase the time you set aside until it’s an ingrained part of your daily routine. Grounding in your authentic self is the key to happiness. From a space of honoring ourselves, we are more likely to make choices in our best interests to become the person we desire to become.

    Start Practicing Mindfulness to Achieve Inner Peace

    Mindfulness is a scientifically-proven way to reduce stress and enhance inner peace. It helps you tap into an awareness of your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.

    You can practice mindfulness by sitting in a quiet place, focusing on your breath, and being aware of when your mind starts to wander. Every time it does, gently bring your focus back to the present moment.

    When done regularly, mindfulness can profoundly impact how you relate to yourself and the world around you.

    Detach from Negativity and Stressful Situations

    We all encounter challenging situations, so it’s important to learn how to detach from negativity and stressful situations. Being mindful of your emotions helps you observe rather than react.

    • Start by recognizing your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations during times of elevated stress, and then give yourself some space from the situation.
    • Taking some time to step away can help you reframe the problem, respond consciously and effectively, and create inner peace in your life.
    • Detaching from negativity and stressful situations takes commitment and practice. A good place to start is with our physical spaces.

    Express Gratitude and Appreciation for What You Have in Your Life

    Taking time to recognize the abundance already present in your life can go a long way in creating a sense of inner peace. Gratitude is not only positive for your mental well-being, but it’s also scientifically proven to boost physical health and improve your overall outlook on life!

    Practicing gratitude allows us to place value on experiences, open up more options, and enjoy what we have instead of worrying about what we don’t have.

    So take a moment each day to express appreciation for all the incredible things you have in life – both big and small!

    Spend Time Doing Things to Uplift Your Spirits

    Developing the habit of doing things specifically for yourself is essential for creating a balanced and nourishing life.

    Schedule some free time each week to enjoy activities that lift your spirits, bring you joy, and make you feel content.

    Whether it’s exploring a new hobby, reading your favorite book, writing in your journal, taking a yoga class, or anything else that makes your heart sing.

    Commit to making time for activities that leave you feeling at peace.

    Consciously Choosing to Achieve Inner Peace

    When it comes to finding inner peace, making conscious choices is key. Every decision we make moves us closer to or further away from our goal of peace. That’s why it’s important to be mindful of the choices we make, both big and small.

    Everything matters, from the food we eat and the people we spend our time with to the thoughts we think and the words we speak. By being more conscious and deliberate in our choices, we can gradually create more peace in our lives.

    Consciously choosing the relationships and conversations we have with others influences our inner peace and well-being.

    Live a Fulfilled Life

    A fulfilled life is one in which a person has achieved their goals and feels satisfied. Conversely, an unfulfilled life may be one where a person feels they have not accomplished what they set out to do or that their life lacks purpose.

    The question of what constitutes a fulfilled life is one that thinkers have pondered throughout history. Many different factors contribute to a fulfilled life, and what matters most will vary from individual to individual.

    However, some common threads can be identified. A sense of purpose, meaningful relationships, and a feeling of contentment are all important ingredients in a fulfilled life.

    • Purpose gives our lives direction and meaning. It is something to strive for and look back on with pride.
    • Relationships provide support, love, and companionship. They help us weather the ups and downs of life and add richness to our experiences.
    • Contentment is a state of mind that allows us to appreciate what we have rather than constantly striving for more.

    Choosing to Live NOW

    We don’t need to wait for a magic moment to live a fulfilled life. The option is right in front of us each day.

    Some days we may feel down, lonely, or generally unsatisfied. This is okay and normal. Remembering life happens includes giving ourselves permission to work through emotions and experiences as they arise.

    What is important is finding a small win on the days when we feel less than extraordinary. If the win is getting out of bed, having a shower, or making better choices on our plate, that’s a win!

    Surrender to Intuition

    Surrendering to our inner voice and intuition can be a difficult thing to do.

    Our society tells us to be logical and rational and not to listen to our “gut feelings.” However, when we take the time to quiet our minds and really listen, we may find that our intuition is trying to tell us something important.

    There is a reason so many people say, “trust your gut.” Our intuition is there for a reason. Our intuition is a way for our higher selves to communicate with us. When we align with our true selves, we can trust that our intuition will guide us in the right direction.

    Surrendering to our inner voice and intuition requires us to let go of the need to control everything. It can be scary to give up control, but when we do, we open ourselves up to limitless possibilities. We may find that the guidance we receive from within is exactly what we need to create the life we desire.

    Choose Love on Your Path to Achieve Inner Peace

    One of the best life lessons for personal development and growth is staying positive through tough times. It’s easy to be negative when things go wrong, but staying positive and choosing love first, will help you get through the tough times and become stronger on the other side.

    Another important life lesson is to learn from your mistakes. We all make them, but it’s important to learn from them so we don’t keep making the same ones repeatedly.

    Finally, another great life lesson is to be grateful for what you have. It’s easy to take things for granted, but being grateful for the good things in your life will help you appreciate them even more.

    Get Started with 6 Resources to Achieve Inner Peace

    The following blog posts share life lessons and strategies for choosing love by setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and embracing ourselves wholeheartedly:

    Summary

    A positive attitude, a sense of self-awareness, and an understanding of how to get the most out of life are essential steps on the journey toward a meaningful and satisfying life.

    A positive attitude allows you to see the good in every situation and to find the silver lining in every cloud.

    A sense of self-awareness helps you to know who you are and what is important to you.

    And an understanding of how to get the most out of life can help you make the most of your time and talents.

    You have everything you need to achieve inner peace and live a fulfilled life. This reality is something that many people struggle with, and it can be hard to figure out how to achieve contentment and joy.

    However, by learning some life lessons and developing healthy relationships, you can come home to yourself and find inner peace.

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Until next time,

    Suzanne

    Related Topics

How Giving Up What I Thought I Wanted Gave Me What I Needed

Estimated reading time: 19 minutes

It can be easy to become laser-focused on what we think we want in life. So we read about it, daydream about it, and work towards making it a reality. Living in a state of constant desire, we search for that one opportunity to lead us to what we want.

But sometimes, no matter how much effort we put into manifesting our desires, they remain just out of reach. In these moments, it’s important to remember that something better might be waiting for us, and maybe we aren’t looking in the right places.

This blog post shares my journey from living on auto-pilot to living fully.

Letting Go

It sounds counterintuitive but giving up what we want can actually help us get what we need.

We may think that holding on to our current state while daydreaming about our desires and goals is the key to achieving them, but sometimes letting go is the best way forward.

For me, giving up what I thought I wanted gave me what I needed. I used to think all I wanted was a successful career and a comfortable life. But after years of chasing that dream, I realized it wasn’t making me happy.

So, I decided to focus on other, more important things, like my relationships and health.

Background

I’ve always been a dreamer.

As a child, I would daydream about becoming a veterinarian, a marine biologist, or a secretary to a powerful man like Sky was to JR on Dallas.

I read books about my desired occupations and even began taking steps to make them realities. I remember how proud I was to take my first typing class. Finally, I was closer to who I wanted to become.

I used to think that to be happy, I needed X. So, whenever something didn’t go my way or I felt down, all I could think about was how getting X would make everything better.

Of course, there were times when things did work out, and I got what I wanted – but it never made me as happy as I thought it would.

More often than not, getting what I thought I wanted only led to disappointment. Nowadays, however, things are different.

Living on Auto-Pilot

I was a parent at nineteen years old, married with a second child at twenty-five years old, and hustling for a career. I decided on a career in criminal justice, then mediation, then teaching, and now teaching and writing.

We had a mortgage, car payments, insurance policies, a satellite subscription, and Tupperware.

We hustled to pay our bills each week, shuttle the kids to their activities, clean the house, do the yard work, walk the dogs, and prepare meals for the following week ahead.

By the time I was thirty, I was exhausted and felt in a constant state of fear.

Looking back now, I see how my fears directly tied to how I lived. We had a beautiful home, a healthy family, and an abundance around us.

But, within me, I had a nagging feeling I was constantly forgetting something important.

Catalyst for Change

In 2018, I took my very first vacation away from my family. I joined extended family members in Huatulco, Mexico, for a week of heavenly bliss. While I was away, I noticed things.

Here’s what I learned from my observations:

  • Changing your physical space changes your state.
  • Nourishing your body fuels your soul.
  • Readiness attracts resources.
  • Wherever there’s light, there are shadows.
  • Reconnecting becomes reattachment.
  • Freedom emerges when there’s peace.
  • With clarity comes strength.
  • Living our values is living fulfilled.
  • Trusting our intuition leads us home.
  • Failing forward is still progress.
Huatulco, Mexico

Giving Up the Goal and Calling Attention to Consciously Living

I have always felt connected to everything around me. Growing up surrounded by the natural environment conditioned me to listen to the natural world.

Throughout my early adult years, I recognized my heightened state of awareness. I also realized my heightened state of arousal, which isn’t always positive, but I have learned to find an equilibrium between both states.

When I was away in Mexico, I noticed things that changed my life. Some call it signs or messages, and others say divine intervention. It’s our internal vibration for our soul’s desires and the Universe responding to our energy.

Giving up Consistency and Changing Your Physical Space Changes Your State

We were staying at an all-inclusive resort. Bustling with families and people enjoying their vacation, there was a cacophony of joy and happiness all around me. Yet, inside me, I felt stillness and calm. It was quiet. I remember standing on the beach watching a wedding and thinking, “why is it so quiet?”

We were up early and at the beach on the first morning of our vacation. Day one is always full of immense energy. Visiting, food, drinks, laughing, swimming, and too much sun.

That night, I fell into bed feeling empty and complete simultaneously. Completely satiated, and it was bliss. I slept the entire night, which was not my usual sleep routine, and I woke up feeling refreshed and energized.

In the morning, I felt like I had slept for a hundred years. My body felt limber with no more of the usual aches and pains, and my head felt clear. Even my eyesight seemed sharpened, and everything seemed brighter.

Tortuga Island in Huatulco, Mexico

Giving Up Restraint and Nourishing Your Body Fuels Your Soul

On the second day, I felt utterly ravenous. I ate everything in sight and still felt a deep, intense hunger. Initially, I thought it was from the copious amounts of tequila and cervasa from the day before, but it felt different.

I couldn’t get enough food, and thankfully the restaurants were located far enough away from the beach where I accumulated a substantial amount of steps throughout the day.

In reflection, this experience of hunger was fueling something in my soul. Like my soul needed a full tank to take me where I was headed.

Giving Up Waiting Because Readiness Attracts Resources

On day three, everything felt more balanced. I woke up feeling in my skin.

When my feet hit the floor after another restful sleep, I felt like I could feel the vibration of the ground beneath me.

The intense hunger had subsided, and after a light breakfast, we were all in our beach chairs for the day. In the quiet moments between visiting, swimming, and buying souvenirs from the beach vendors, I listened intently to the stillness within me. 

I went to the swimming pool to take a break from the intense heat. I spotted one empty seat at the swim-up bar and waded my way to get out of the sun.

I remember walking up to the bar, and this beautiful woman was sitting with her back facing me. She had a lovely figure with long black hair. She looked so healthy and vibrant like she was glowing. I couldn’t take my eyes off her and felt a magnetic pull toward her.

To my surprise, the empty seat was beside her. As I settled in, she smiled and said, “well, hello, beautiful!” I felt an instant connection.

Angles are Always Among Us

We immediately started up a rich conversation. Quickly getting through the introductions and formalities, we dove into life, love, the law of attraction, and our stories. She shared her experiences and journey with nuggets of wisdom and inspiration.

At one point, she asked me what I will choose to do. I wasn’t sure what she meant then she explained she saw something in me that wanted to get out. She recognized what I was carrying.

So, we took a deep dive into who I wanted to become in this life and what I have noticed in the few days since we arrived. She knowingly encouraged me to live my truth, speak my truth, and courageously forge forward into life.

We visited throughout the week, messaged and called each other once we were home, and developed a beautiful friendship through our ups and downs. We remain soul sisters today.

Giving Up Always Expecting Light Because Wherever There’s Light, There are Shadows

Early morning of day four, I walked down the beach with my sister. As we were enjoying our stroll, I noticed a black snake beached in the scorching heat.

This beautiful creature was suffering and struggling. I immediately walked up to it and thought, “you poor thing!” Then, in one of the stupidest moments of my life, I reached down, grabbed it by the tip of its tail, and flung it into the ocean. Before my arm rested at my side, the locals standing by watching ran over to me, yelling, “Hermosa! Te matará. Morirás!” Meaning it will kill me.

In my ignorance, it didn’t occur to me that all these other people were standing around this snake and letting it die in the heat. It was my instinctive reaction to rescue and save the poor creature that could very well kill me.

Life Lessons are Abundant in Foolish Decisions

This is important. My first reaction was to save the snake rather than myself. I wasn’t concerned for my safety nor as dialed into my environment as I always believed I was. Instead, I saw the suffering and wanted to rescue and save. Yikes.

This experience with the snake was a huge lesson for me. The first colossal awakening moment called my attention to connect the dots from the past few days and take a good hard look at how I was living my life.

The snake.

Giving Up Old Beliefs Because Reconnecting Becomes Re-Attachment

My uncle and I were having our morning coffee on day four. He’s acutely wise, and he sees more than he mentions. He had always been an influence in my life and was very much like a second dad to me growing up.

We were enjoying our morning brew, chatting about nothing in particular. Then, after a moment of silence, he leaned over to me and asked, “did you find her yet?”

We held eye contact for a few seconds, and I asked, “what do you mean?” He reached over, squeezed my knee, and then leaned back with a teasing, belly-fueled, joyous laugh.

The Universe Always Sends Signs

Shortly after this exchange, while we were sitting in silence, sipping coffee and watching the ocean waves burst against the shore and retreat, a kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttered in front of us and around us. I had never seen anything like it before. I was awestruck by the beautiful scene as they glimmered in the morning sunlight.

About an hour later, the rest of our family arrived, and we headed for breakfast.

Engage the transformation process.

One Moment of Re-Connection Holds Power to Change the Trajectory of Your Life

During breakfast and throughout the day, I thought about the ‘her’ my uncle mentioned and the butterflies. I realized how much I missed her.

At the end of the day, I prayed once I was settled into bed. As I gave thanks for the day and asked for blessings on my children and loved ones, she reappeared almost apologetically.

I recognized her and immediately felt reconnected and reattached to myself. I drifted off to sleep, hands clasped, remembering.

Giving Up a False Sense of Security Because Freedom Emerges When There’s Peace

We continued our week-long holiday together and enjoyed a fantastic time. However, I had one emergency but predicted phone call from home from my youngest daughter, which I won’t get into, that showed me the contrast. The contrast highlighted the peace I was feeling on vacation, with the reality of what was at home.

During this week away, I started immersing myself in a space of peace and freedom. Of course, I was aware that vacation is a time for peace and freedom. Still, I also recognized I wanted to retain these feelings in the parts of my life I loved and enjoyed.

I also realized the nagging feeling of fear that I had forgotten something important was no longer gripping me.

So I decided I needed to make changes.

Tortuga Island in Huatulco, Mexico.

Giving Up Noise and Hustle Because with Clarity Comes Strength

On our last morning, about an hour before I would be boarding the bus to the airport, one of the entertainment hosts came over to us. He asked if I would go for a ride on the Sea-doo before I left.

Hesitant because I was leaving soon, he graciously told me he had something he wanted me to see before I returned to Canada.

Ironically this was my first ride while in Mexico, and I had never previously expressed an interest. I agreed to a ride, but only if I could drive.

We set out about one kilometer from shore into the open ocean. When we were out in the middle of the small island and the mainland, he said, “there,” and started laughing. “What do you mean?” I asked. He said, “there,” still laughing, and pointed down. I looked down, and there was a whale right beneath us!

I turned off the Sea-doo, and as we floated, a small humpback whale re-emerged and rolled on its side with its beautiful eye fixed curiously on us. I burst into tears. I could feel my heart open, releasing this heavy energy from my body.

Positive Affirmations We are On the Right Path Always Emerge

The humpback lingered. “Hello, you beautiful angel,” I said through my tears. “How are you today? Where’s your mama?” It floated, with its eye still fixed on mine. I started to laugh from the joy I felt, my heart swelling. I said, “thank you,” and it swam away.

We sat in silence, and Milo shifted to sit with his legs over the back of the Sea-doo in a kind gesture of giving me space. I couldn’t stop the tears. They felt cleansing. It wasn’t a sob or sad cry, it felt healing, and I couldn’t stop. The flow felt endless. As I wept, I thought about life and living. I kept saying in my head, “give me strength.”

I felt done and ready. I looked up at Milo and said, “Okay, I’m done.” He replied, “are you sure.” I said, “yes.”

Just as I reached my hand to start the engine, I looked up, and a beautiful butterfly fluttered above us. We were sitting on the water in the middle of nowhere. I smiled, nodded at the butterfly, and said, “Okay, I will be okay. Thank you.”

Here’s a video of our whale encounter:

Consciously Deciding Your Direction Empowers You

Back on shore, I said my goodbyes, took pictures, spent my last few pesos on some trinkets, and boarded the bus.

Once settled into my seat on the plane, I listened to downloaded inspirational podcasts and journaled my experiences, thoughts, feelings, and insights.

I knew what I wanted to do for my life once home, and the six-hour plane ride was my time to map out my intentions.

Living Our Values is Living Fulfilled

Before leaving for vacation, I had booked an appointment with my psychologist. As a side note, and as a seasoned practitioner and educator in the helping field, I highly recommend anyone who works in the helping profession to retain psychological services.

I have been seeing a psychologist throughout the entirety of my career. Setting up regular visits a few times a year, or as needed, helps to unpack stuff and with sense-making for some of the challenging things we experience when working with people. Especially when helping people in crisis or conflict.

Reflection and Journalling Helps Organize Your Thoughts and Thought Process

While journalling on the plane, I explored the process of reconnecting with ourselves.

Throughout my career, I spent time and energy focused on helping people reconnect with external factors like relationships, employment, living conditions, health, and client experiences.

I also dedicated much of my career to learning and teaching about emotional detachment in the helping profession.

This time in my life was the first time I considered emotional reattachment, particularly emotional reattachment to ourselves.

Powerfully Reclaiming Your Self Through Re-Connection Changes Your Life

The morning I arrived home, I remember walking into my psychologist, Laura’s office, and she warmly greeted me with, “wow, you are so tanned! How was Mexico?”. I shut the door behind me and said, “I’m raising women.”

“Oh, interesting. Tell me about it,” she replied.

So, I sat down, opened my journal, and unpacked my experiences during my week away. I shared what I saw. In particular, what I had seen within myself that I hadn’t seen for decades.

Throughout my life to this point, I had detached from myself. Not seeing or taking any opportunities that may have been presented to me to reconnect and reattach.

However, this one week away showed me how I wanted to live my life consistently. I missed myself, and I wasn’t going to let myself slip away again.

Re-Focused and Recognizing Patterns

Being with my family members who knew me from the day I was born, talking about old memories and the trajectory of life, helped me to see that my life was not the one I aspired to live.

I recognized the contrast between who I was and who I thought I was in my relationships and experiences. I also realized how I was living was not aligned with my values.

This contrast left me feeling unfulfilled and stagnant.

This poem from Rupi Kaur’s ‘Milk and Honey’ (2014) resonates.

Trusting Our Intuition Leads Us Home

For twenty-five or more years, I stifled the voice inside me. When she would emerge, I stuffed her away by suffocating us with what I thought I wanted.

Then, with one hand quieting my inner voice, I used the other hand to force things to work. It was exhausting.

I forgot why my feet are planted on earth every day. I lost sight of what my mother and grandmothers showed me.

In one week, in the right environment, with the right people and experiences, it became abundantly clear that my role as a woman as a mother, teacher, helper, and difference maker is to raise women.

In raising women, I needed to start with myself first. I needed to be the best version of myself and focus on living the values most important to living a fulfilled life.

There was work to be done to continue to heal from the generations before me, take their lessons, and reframe the narrative.

The cycles needed to stop with me, for my daughters, and it was time to cultivate, nurture, and grow to share a new narrative for the next generations.

Giving Up Fears of Failure Because Failing Forward is Still Progress

In this experience, paired with rest which gave me strength and resources to support me, I decided I would take charge of the life I wanted to live. So, after my psychologist appointment, I went home and told my husband I wanted a divorce.

The months following this pivotal day in my life wasn’t an easy time. It was probably not the best time for our family, but it was necessary.

Emotionally and financially gutted for the eighteen months following my trip to Mexico, I forged forward.

The people I always thought would be in my life had left, and the career I thought I would always have ended.

Yet I felt like it was all just a moment in time. I knew I would be okay by choosing to reattach emotionally to myself and living my values. And I am.

Discovering New Realities Each Day

New relationships, jobs, and opportunities emerged. This time I evaluated everything through a lens of clarity and values.

True to myself, the trajectory of my life, and what I believe I am here to do, an abundance of love and light flowed my way. I am grateful.

Once the dust settled, at the end of 2019, I moved to Beijing, China.

Supported by my daughters, who are thriving with self-sufficiency in their own adulthood, I prepared for six months to make my move. Traveling and living abroad was a lifelong dream I finally achieved.

Summary

Today, I feel a greater sense of connection to myself, my children, and those I love. I feel settled and whole, financially supported, thriving in my vocation, and fulfilled.

Since moving, I’ve achieved a second master’s degree in Education, started to learn a new language, and met a life partner with a similar growth mindset who sees, accepts, and embraces me.

I’ve taken up hobbies I forgot I enjoyed, like painting, yoga, singing, water sports, and blogging.

More importantly, I’ve maintained a sustained feeling of peace. I’ve made peace with my decisions leading up to this point and continue to choose peace above all else.

There is still more work to do, but I found a balance and synergy to flow in the direction I am going with peace and play.

At the time, I saw the lessons learned in my trip to Mexico and thereafter as a do-over to live the life I wanted to live. I see now that it was a pivot to the direction that would lead me to the life I needed to live.

Giving up what I thought I wanted gave me what I needed.

Re-Cap

Here’s a recap of my story:

  • Changing your physical space changes your state.
  • Nourishing your body fuels your soul.
  • Readiness attracts resources.
  • Wherever there’s light, there are shadows.
  • Reconnecting becomes reattachment.
  • Freedom emerges when there’s peace.
  • With clarity comes strength.
  • Living our values is living fulfilled.
  • Trusting our intuition leads us home.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

How I Learned Self Love Working on My 2nd Million ($)

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Discover how I stopped chasing, started living, and learned self love by overcoming self-doubt. It’s a story of empowerment and resilience!

Profound Inspiration

When people used to ask my dad how business was going, he would respond, “I’m working on my second million!” 

“Wow! That’s great! How’s that coming along?” They would ask.

Laughing, my dad would respond, “Well, I gave up on my first, so hopefully, the second will pan out.”

Background

I have learned over the years that there are basic behaviors aligned with our stages of life.

For example, like most young people in my teens, I struggled to figure out where I belonged and what I would do on the weekends. Waiting for a phone call about a party that never came, so most weekends, I worked or stayed home with family. 

Roaring Twenties

I was a nineteen-year-old parent, so my twenties were about survival. First, attending post-secondary and deciding on what professional identity would suit my interests, needs, and bank account.

Then, finding a job, working, and changing jobs again until choosing entrepreneurship as the most suitable for my lifestyle. 

All while being married, having a second baby, juggling daycare, babysitters, laundry, and sick days when our girls picked up a bug. Life was a daily race to the weekend.

My life was not different from many but unique to my experiences. 

Busy Thirties

In my thirties, I was successfully adult-ing with two healthy children, two dogs, a mortgage, two vehicles, life insurance, a satellite subscription, annual family vacations, and closets full of stuff. 

We ran a race each week. Shuttling our girls between horseback riding lessons, piano lessons, birthday parties, Girl Guides events, volleyball, basketball, and school functions.

Not to mention the endless homework, housework, grocery shopping, and the never-ending need for more sleep. 

It was like we were running on a treadmill, training for an ultra-marathon with no finish line. 

Mid-Life Awakening

In my forties, something happened. It started with questioning the madness. Wondering why we had piles of laundry each week and where all the socks and Tupperware lids went after washing them.

But, more importantly, why we had so much stuff and chaos in our lives and home. The constant running and noise was baffling and chaotic. 

Carving Out Time for Self Love

Circling back to my dad’s quip. Although tongue-in-cheek, it struck me that I was also chasing my second million and was tired.

There had to be a better way to feel fulfilled in life. So, I decided to stop the race and change my target.

After readjusting, I became focused on creating meaning through stillness. As within, so without. 

Beginning with carving out time for myself each day, I uncovered how I wanted to live. Each morning over coffee, I would spend thirty minutes reflecting on my intentions for the day and ask myself:

  1. How do you want to show up?
  2. What do you need?
  3. How will the day’s activities make you a better person?

At the end of each day, I would spend thirty minutes reflecting on the day by journaling. My journal prompts were:

  1. What is the highlight of your day?
  2. How did your highlight make you feel?
  3. How did your highlight make you a better person?
  4. What three things from your day are you most grateful for?

Learning Curve with Self Love

Although this one hour a day I had carved out for a ritual of self love allowed me to focus on each day, our home remained like a busy airline terminal. So, I started reading books, watching documentaries, and attending seminars. 

I was on a mission to learn about maintaining stillness in every aspect of our lives. But unfortunately, I discovered that due to a messy closet or cluttered garage, science has shown that this unnecessary stress can lead to unforeseen health issues.

Health Risks

Living in a cluttered and noisy environment has been linked to an increased risk of health problems like high blood pressure and diabetes.

On the other hand, living in a clean and organized home has been found to reduce stress levels and cortisol levels.

A study at Northwestern University in Illinois found that clutter and disorganization are even more harmful than poor conditions like mould and dampness.

A cluttered and noisy space can lead to negative emotions and even depression. In another study conducted by UCLA, it was found that mess and disorder can severely impact our mood and self-esteem.

For example, feeling constantly overwhelmed by clutter and noise can cause shame, guilt, or a sense of inadequacy, making it difficult to focus and be productive. 

Hope

It can be a vicious circle: the more clutter you have, the more stress you feel, and the less productive you are.

“Existing in a cluttered environment taxes our brains because the cluttering objects compete for our attention,” according to Dr. Scott Bea, a clinical psychologist.

However, the science of decluttering our lives shows that it can improve focus, reduce anxiety, and increase productivity.

Our homes should be places of peace and calm, where go to recharge after a stressful day.

Deciding the quickest and easiest way to make a difference in our lives started with our physical spaces, and we committed to taking charge of our home. Clearing out anything that no longer served a purpose in our lives, we created a Zen den. 

Intentionally keeping material possessions for utility led me to focus on creating meaning in my relationships.

Once our house was in order, we worked on finances. Then, our schedules and how we spent our time. Keeping only what enhanced our lives and creating meaning for us and those around us. 

This article explains the process of how to get started with decluttering physical spaces:

How to Improve Your Life by Taking Charge of Your Space

Being Intentional Influences Personal Growth and Self Love

Living a meaningful life by embracing self love and moving away from a noisy world can be incredibly freeing and lead to true happiness.

When we live consciously, we can focus on what is truly important and let go of the rest. 

This allows us to live more intentionally and creates space for things that bring joy into our lives.

Additionally, living with intention can help reduce stress and anxiety because there is less clutter. 

In my experience, decluttering physical spaces leads to decluttering your mind, body, and spirit, ultimately leading to a more peaceful way of living.

How I Learned Self Love

Using this six-step process to make changes in my life is how I learned self love.

Mindset

A mindset for living with intention is not a fad or trend. It is a way of life. Embracing living with purpose starts with preparing yourself to make changes in your life for personal growth and development. Exploring how we become emotionally attached to things and how removing excess from our lives improves productivity, happiness, and focus. 

Self-Care

Changing your physical spaces and way of living will take its toll on your emotional state. Learning to let go to embrace simplicity means changing habits and patterns of behavior. Self-care is crucial to maintaining a commitment to living a meaningful and fulfilled life with intention. 

Sources of Inspiration

Creating a list of sources for inspiration will help you to maintain motivation for making changes in your life. Consciously choose what you listen to, read, watch, and invite into your space. Choose things that leave you feeling inspired, empowered, and embraced. 

Committing to Change

Creating an action plan requires a commitment to change. Commit to taking steps each day to achieve your desired state of living with intention.

Prioritizing

Starting with the quickest and easiest tasks to get organized helps us feel empowered as we embrace living a meaningful and intentional life.  

Required Resources

Identifying needed resources to achieve your goals is helpful to take inventory and get organized to start taking charge of your space. 

Summary

We experience many stages throughout our lifetime. Unpacking our need to run a daily race with no finish line is unhealthy.

Instead, clearing out the clutter and chaos in our lives leads us to discover how to create meaning through intention in our lives. 

Clearing clutter and noise also helps reduce stress and improve mental well-being. 

Living a meaningful life by embracing living with intention and moving away from a noisy world can be incredibly freeing and lead to true happiness.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

References

Swanson, H. L., & Ferrari, J. R. (2022). Older Adults and Clutter: Age Differences in Clutter Impact, Psychological Home, and Subjective Well-Being. Behavioral Sciences12(5), 132. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs12050132

The Science Behind Decluttering. (n.d.). MIBluesPerspectives. Retrieved October 7, 2022, from https://www.mibluesperspectives.com/stories/for-your-business/the-science-behind-decluttering  

12 Tips For A Fulfilled Life: Personal Development Basics

Estimated reading time: 9 minutes

This blog post explores skills for personal development, helping people reach their goals and live a fulfilled life.

Personal Development for Living a Fulfilled Life

Personal development is about learning how to live a fulfilling life. It is about being able to do things that you enjoy doing and achieving goals that you set out for yourself.

The goal is not to be happy all the time. This would be unrealistic.

Discovering who you are and what makes you tick is where the magic happens!

It is about knowing yourself better to become a better person.

Personal Growth

Personal growth is an ongoing process that requires effort and commitment. Taking responsibility for your actions and learning how to improve yourself is essential.

When it comes to personal development, there is no magic pill or one-size-fits-all solution. We all have different needs, and what works for one person may not work for another.

The most important thing is to find what works for you and commit to making it a part of your life.

Roll Up Your Sleeves

We go through life on autopilot, reacting to whatever comes our way without thinking about what we want or how to get it. As a result, we end up living less than fulfilling lives.

But it doesn’t have to be this way!

Personal development is about taking control of your life, rolling up your sleeves, and creating the kind of life you want. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.

Personal Development Basics

How many of us can say that we are truly living a fulfilled life?

Even though some may argue that there is no definite answer as to what a fulfilled life looks like, there are certain things we can do to help get us closer to achieving it.

In short, living a fulfilled life enables you to grow as an individual and become the best version of yourself.

It could be reading self-help books, taking your health seriously, starting a new hobby, meditating, doing yoga, or even traveling.

Making a Difference

For some, fulfillment comes from making a difference in the lives of others.

Others may find fulfillment through their careers or hobbies. And still, others might find it through their relationships with family and friends. 

Although there is no single definition of personal development, and it’s different from person to person, universal themes run through the subject.

For example, 14 activities, if practiced regularly and diligently, can help people become the best versions of themselves.

This article explores these skills that can help people reach their goals and live more fulfilled lives.

Personal Development Pathway to Living a Fulfilled Life

Many people believe it’s essential to work on personal development to live a fulfilled life. Personal development involves anything from improving your physical health to improving your mental and emotional wellbeing. 

While there is no one answer as to what personal development looks like for everyone, there are certain things we can do to help get us closer to achieving it.

For example, setting goals and challenging ourselves help us push our boundaries and reach our potential.

Inspiring Personal Development

Personal development is about inspiring individuals on their journey and helping them reach their full potential.

So, how can you start living a more fulfilled life?

Here are a few ideas.

Get Enough Sleep

It is vital to feel rested to be successful in personal development.

Unfortunately, we sometimes get too caught up in life and lose sleep as we try to get things done.

I struggled for a long time with being able to turn my brain off at night, but I eventually discovered meditation.

Feed Your Body

The food we put into our bodies directly impacts how we feel physically and mentally.

Eating nutritious foods helps us to stay energized and healthy, while consuming unhealthy foods can make us feel sluggish and unhappy.

Therefore, we must be mindful of what we eat to maintain a positive outlook and optimal health.

Starting the day with a nutritious breakfast is a great way to set the tone for the rest of the day. Get smoothie recipes here.

Get Moving

Movement is key to a healthy and balanced life. It helps us to clear out stagnant energy and create space for fresh, new ideas and vitality.

If you sit for long hours each day, get up and move around for at least 30 minutes. Movement gets your blood pumping and helps you stay energized throughout the day.

Yoga is a great way to stretch, build strength, exercise with cardio, and practice being present in the moment.

This yogi has a great 30-day yoga challenge for beginners:

Embrace Yourself

How we think about and treat ourselves profoundly impacts our other relationships.

Having a good relationship with ourselves provides a strong foundation for healthy and supportive relationships with others.

Self-love is the key to happy and fulfilling relationships with others. If we don’t have a good relationship with ourselves, it’s challenging to have healthy relationships with other people.

Ground in Your Authentic Self

When we are in touch with our authentic selves, we can remain present and calm in the face of daily challenges and distractions.

Our connection to our true selves gives us a sense of peace and stability, so we are not easily swayed by the opinions or emotions of others.

Here are proven strategies for grounding in your authentic self:

How to Ground in Your Authentic Self

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential to taking care of ourselves.

For example, limiting how much time, energy, or information we share with others protects us from becoming overwhelmed and losing ourselves. Everyone has different areas in their lives where they need to set boundaries.

Healthy boundary-setting is a crucial part of self-care.

Use Effective Communication Skills

Healthy relationships require effective communication and well-defined boundaries.

To maintain a healthy relationship dynamic, each person must be respected, and their individual needs must be considered.

Respect allows us to create an environment where everyone feels comfortable expressing themselves honestly.

Practice Conflict Management Strategies

Managing conflict effectively starts with understanding our communication styles and their impact on our relationships.

Learning new ways to communicate can open up productive conversations that lead to greater understanding between people.

Taking some time to gain awareness of ourselves is the first step toward making positive changes in our relationships.

Have Fun

The essential things in life are the things that we have to do every day.

They keep us moving forward and help us take care of our families.

  • But what about the fun things in life?
  • The things that make us laugh and enjoy ourselves?

Sometimes we tell stories about how much fun we used to have, but it’s not the same as actually experiencing it.

Create a Vision Plan

One way to live a more fulfilled life is by setting goals and working towards them.

Investing in yourself is one of the best things you can do for your future. Personal development is not selfish; it’s one of the most selfless things you can do. 

When you work on becoming a better person, you’re improving your life and those around you. 

Setting goals could mean taking up a new hobby, learning a new skill, or reaching a personal milestone you’ve always wanted to achieve.

Focus on the Present Moment

It is also essential to focus on the present moment and appreciate the small things in life.

Being present in the moment is difficult, but it is a vital part of personal development for living a fulfilled life.

By focusing on the here and now each day, we can learn to appreciate the abundance in our lives.

In doing so, we open ourselves to new possibilities and experiences that make life worth living.

Be Kind

In addition, being kind and helping others can also lead to a more fulfilling existence.

Personal development is about so much more than just working on yourself. It’s also about being kind and helping others.

When you positively impact someone else’s life, it can lead to a domino effect of good deeds that can ultimately improve the world.

In addition, seeing the direct results of your kindness can be incredibly fulfilling and motivating.

It might sound clichéd, but making a difference in someone else’s life is one of the best ways to find true happiness for yourself as well.

Practice Gratitude

We often take for granted the things that go well in our lives or the gestures others make toward us.

Gratitude is acknowledging and recognizing the positive things in our lives. It’s an appreciative attitude that leads to more happiness and satisfaction.

In positive psychology research, gratitude is a strong predictor of happiness.

People who are grateful tend to feel more positive emotions, savor good experiences, enjoy better health, and cope more effectively with adversity. They also tend to have stronger relationships.

Manage What You Consume

The things we consume in our lives have a significant impact on our success.

What we eat, watch, read and listen to, and the relationships we allow into our space, influence our moods and behavior.

If we’re conscious of this, it can help us to improve our wellbeing.

Unhealthy choices can keep us from living the fulfilled life we desire. To make healthier choices, we need to learn the difference between what nourishes us and what merely keeps us busy.

When we make unhealthy choices repeatedly, it’s time to take action and live more healthily.

I love food. So, I view the things I allow into my life in two categories.

  • Category one is a delicious, home-cooked turkey dinner with all the fixings.
  • Category two is a chocolate cake loaded with sugar and empty calories.

Turkey dinner leaves me feeling satisfied, healthy, and whole. On the other hand, although chocolate cake may be tempting and intoxicating at first, it ultimately leaves me feeling shaky from a sugar rush, with a headache, and hungry again in an hour.

I have always had a sweet tooth and love chocolate cake.

But in my relationships, jobs, and expectations over the years, I have had to forego it for a more well-balanced turkey dinner.

Summary

Ultimately, personal development is something to be worked on every day and could involve anything from becoming physically or mentally healthier to improving your self-confidence. 

Overall, personal development is wide-ranging and can be defined differently.

You can work on personal development every day and should involve working on things that make you feel like a better person.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

How to Ground in Your Authentic Self

Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

Reclaiming your true authentic self is an important journey that requires reflection and mindfulness.

To begin, consciously make space and time to evaluate current habits and situations in your life, while being honest with yourself throughout the process.

Take a step into getting to know yourself on a deeper level, to become aware of the beliefs that have been driving your life choices.

Once these unhealthy patterns are recognized and released, it is possible for you to start reclaiming your true authentic self!

This blog post explores building strong foundations to ground into our authentic self for personal growth and personal development.

Relationships

Our relationships with others start with our relationship with ourselves.

As we journey through life – from childhood and adolescence to adulthood – we develop many different types of relationships. Some may last a lifetime, while others may be temporary.

How we relate to ourselves sets the tone for all our other relationships. Having a healthy relationship with ourselves sets the foundation for solid and healthy relationships with others.

Premise

The examples presented in this post are from my own journey in intimate relationships.

My journey in close relationships has been full of lessons about the importance of grounding myself in my authentic self. Through this process of personal growth and personal development, I understand the immense value of being true to who I am. 

In the long run, it’s crucial to maintain a balance between being true to ourselves and choosing to be in a relationship.

This article aims to provide information about avoiding unproductive compromises in relationships and improving communication and interaction in close relationships by making better choices for a better life.

Grounding

We need a grounding of our authentic self in relationships.

Grounding is a powerful tool that makes everything last for the long term. Through grounding, we bring the core sense of ourselves from a soul level into our relationship experience.

When we feel grounded, we remain present and calm despite the challenges and distractions of daily life.

When our connection to our authentic selves is strong, the opinions or emotions of others are not of high regard and do not easily influence us.

As a result, we feel a sense of peace and stability.

The Context of Relationships

When in close relationships, it is not uncommon for us to feel like we are losing ourselves.

When we are in relationships with others, it can be easy to lose sight of who we are and what we want. As a result, we may compromise our values and preferences to fit in or please others, experience a lack of confidence or low self esteem, or end up with mental health issues like depression or anxiety.

However, this can lead to feeling unhappy and even resentful over time. Instead of feeling comfortable and at ease within the relationship, we experience tension and stress. 

Tension and Stress in Relationships

  • Feeling bad about yourself.
  • Feeling resentful towards the other person.
  • Feeling trapped in the relationship.
  • Escalating conflict between you and the other person.
  • Engaging in more arguments.

Personal Growth and Personal Development

Relationships are complex.

An important thing to consider is our needs change over time, relationships are dynamic and constantly in a state of change.

As we experience personal growth and personal development, a lot of people often find themselves in a relationship that is no longer supportive and fulfilling. In these cases, we also discover we may be stuck with an unsupportive or unfulfilling relationship because of our investment of time, focus, and energy.

Feeling stuck is a clear indication of being detached from our authentic self.

It is vital to stay true to ourselves in relationships, so we feel fulfilled and content.

A Fulfilling Relationship

To have a happy and fulfilling relationship, it is crucial for both partners to feel they can be themselves.

They need to have the freedom to be their own person and not have to constantly change their identity to fit in with the other person.

We achieve a happy and fulfilling relationship through strong foundations in our authentic self and the freedom to continue growing as individuals—these strong foundations in our authentic self transfer over to our relationships.

Therefore, to maintain a healthy relationship and continue to grow, we must make it a point to reconnect with what is important to us.

Authentic Self

Journaling to uncover our authentic self is a helpful first step.

Sitting in a quiet place and asking questions like these below helps to cultivate the information we need to navigate our relationships:

  • What are my values? 
  • What makes me happy? 
  • What brings me joy? 
  • What makes me feel proud of myself? 
  • What or who do I appreciate in my life? 
  • What have been my greatest triumphs? 
  • What do I like about myself?

Having a strong sense of self is essential for engaging in healthy relationships.

Carving out time in a busy schedule to spend time with ourselves is a gift of knowledge, compassion, and empathy.

We uncover our true strengths by looking at ourselves, our journey, and the lessons we have learned along the way.

How to Reconnect with Our Authentic Self

Our authentic selves are the core of who we are as individuals.

Taking simple steps to uncover your authentic self is the best way to find self-love inspiration and set goals for positive changes.

The following exercises can help you discover your true self:

  • Write down your strengths and weaknesses.
  • Look at pictures of yourself as a child, teenager, young adult, and parent. Then, reconnect to those versions of yourself by describing critical points of each stage of your personal development. 
  • Journal how you would describe yourself to another person.
  • Remember a time when you felt most excited about your life? What did you do? What did you wear? 
  • Who have been the most significant influences in your life?
  • What are the turning points of your life?
  • Write a passionate and detailed love letter to yourself. 

It can be easy to lose sight of who we are and what we want for ourselves as individuals in relationships.

We may find ourselves compromising our values to accommodate others or going along with things we don’t enjoy to keep the peace.

It’s essential to take a step back and remember what grounds us as individuals.

When we’re grounded in our authentic selves, it gives us a solid foundation from which to approach all of our relationships.

Grounding Authentic Self in Relationships 

We all want to be in happy, lasting relationships.

But what does it take to make that happen? One crucial ingredient is grounding. Grounding ourselves in our authentic selves helps create a solid foundation for our relationships.

Relationships fall apart when relationships are out of balance, and people are out of touch with their true selves. The sense of peace, security, and love that was once there can quickly fade. 

When we’re grounded, we’re more likely to act from a place of authenticity and integrity – two critical ingredients for any healthy relationship.

The problem is that sometimes we may start to compromise our values and preferences to fit in or please the other person, which leads to feeling unhappy or resentful over time.

Influences on Our Authentic Self

It takes a lot of effort, hard work, and courage to stay grounded in our authentic selves.

Most of us have been conditioned for our entire lives to be someone other than who we are.

For example, messages we’re told like, ‘act like a lady, or ‘big boys don’t cry’ create changes in our beliefs around what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior.

Being expected to change our behavior from the essence of who we are as individuals cause us to walk around in a fog, not even knowing who we are or what we want in our own skin.

As a result, we lose our sense of connectedness with ourselves and others. 

Tips for Grounding in Relationships

Most of us have had the experience of losing ourselves in a relationship. And without realizing it, we end up giving our power away or losing ourselves in trying to gain the other person’s approval.

So if you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’re not feeling grounded in yourself, it’s time to do some self-evaluation.

Tips for Self Evaluation

  • Be consistently you. Do not expect other people to change according to your needs. This applies to you as well. We are who we are, and we should not change ourselves according to others’ needs. It is not acceptable to change your identity or who you are just so that you can be in a relationship. Be true to yourself, so you are happy, whether in a relationship or not.
  • Always be kind. Treat the other person with kindness and respect. That way, you retain some sensitivity for the good qualities in that person and do not feel negative about your perceptions of their shortcomings.
  • Know what matters to you. If we don’t know what’s important to us, we will likely compromise in a relationship. We will allow our partner or friends to be right when we should follow our hearts. But, on the other hand, if we know what the essential things in life are to us, it will be easier to go after them.
  • Be yourself. You must be true to yourself before you can be your best self. If you are not honest, or if you lie to yourself and the other person, you will keep feeling like something isn’t quite right. Be your unique, beautiful, magnificent, magical, and magnetic authentic self, and you will attract similar people to your life.
  • Know what you want to say. If you’re with someone you care about, like a friend or a loved one, make sure you know what you want to say before you say it. It’s easier if you have a plan of action, so you don’t have to feel anxious about your words. Practice speaking what is in your heart out loud before you communicate it to others.
  • Express your feelings. Expressing how we feel about a situation is a form of emotional intelligence. Practice emotional intelligence through healthy expressions of emotions. 

Grounding as Self-Care

Grounding is also a powerful testament to the importance of self-care.

Grounding allows us to be more present and available to others, make healthy choices, and view ourselves and our relationships in a state of appreciation. 

A daily practice of appreciating your authentic self is a powerful way to take care of your own needs.

Exploring the essence of who we are and what makes us tick is a great way to practice unconditional love with ourselves, check our mental well-being, and reflect on the critical lessons we have learned.

It is essential to stay true to authenticity so that you feel fulfilled and content. It can be easy in our relationships to get swept up in the other person and lose track of ourselves.

As a result, we may start neglecting our own needs and wants or putting aside things that are important to us. 

We must stay grounded in who we are to create lasting, fulfilling relationships. When we are grounded, we bring our authentic selves into the relationship experience.

This makes us feel contentment and fulfillment because we stay true to ourselves.

My Story

I was doing divorce practice for just shy of 14 years.

I had my mediation practice for court-sanctioned mediation. Court-sanctioned divorce agreements are for shared parenting plans for dependent children.

Shared parenting plans include access by creating a visitation schedule and financial arrangements like who would pay for what and who would give the kids driving lessons when needed, and how time is shared between parents regarding raising their children they had together.

Over the years, I realized I would consistently see couples in similar anniversary years of their marriage.

The consistent years where couples were seeking a divorce or separation with a parenting agreement were three years, seven years, twelve years, and twenty-one years.

My number was twenty-five.

My Reflection

In reflection on my number of twenty-five, I decided to consider what that meant.

My ex-husband and I spent a quarter of a century together. More than half of our lives at the time of our divorce.

Being in relationships together for so many years, I can say some of it was good, and some of it was essential for my personal growth to become a better person. 

As we moved through the growing edges of our learning, we both became better people in terms of how we parented and the decisions we made together in our lives.

We had financial abundance, we had material possessions, and we had lived the life that many people aspire to and never achieve.  

No Room for Individuality

Looking back and reflecting on that time in my life, I realized that there was no grounding in our individuality and no grounding in our authentic self in our relationship because there wasn’t room for it.

There wasn’t room for individuality because we had roles we needed to play out. These roles transitioned from girlfriend and fiancé to wife and mother.

We also each had roles relating to the work we were doing.

I was a student when we were married, and we had already been together for several years.

We had rules to fulfill our roles as they related to our marriage. When I reached out for what I wanted for myself, like business development, or continuing education, these activities had to fit within the context of our relationship and expectations.

Regardless of what we each individually desired, there were expected or required actions when engaged in our relationship and family.

When our relationship started to deteriorate, we each had our perspectives on the causes. Sometimes they were diverse, and sometimes they were similar.

What we didn’t do was ground into individuality and the authenticity of ourselves to make those essential components a part of the equation.

Re-Bound Relationships

Later on, after my divorce, I was immediately in a series of other relationships, and I recognized similar patterns in each connection.

Again, the common denominator was me, which was hard to take, but there was also a clear distinction between three separate entities within an intimate relationship. 

Discovering Three Entities to Relationships

These three separate entities need to be considered, and I contextualize them as islands.

I love the sea, and anybody who knows me knows I love water, nature, and islands. So, I contextualize this insight as three little islands.

These islands are like Relationships for Life Islands. They include You Island, Me Island, and We Island. This concept is applied in any relationship.

When exploring this idea, we can look at our place of work, our family of origin, and our friend groups. 

In my case, We Island is where we ground into our home, family, expectations, and everything that keeps We Island going. But You Island and Me Island are vital to the survival of We Island. It’s like an ecosystem.

You Island and Me Island each need to ground into each person’s authentic self on We Island.

If we don’t ground ourselves into our authentic self, we’re on We Island, and we think that’s who we are.

This is the source of conflict that arises between couples.

Conflict and Relationships

Conflict begins to manifest and grow when we don’t have a clear sense of ourselves.

For example, it’s like the oxygen mask on the airplane analogy. We’re on the plane going to We Island, and on our journey, something happens. The oxygen masks come down, so we immediately take the mask in front of us and put it over our spouse’s mouth and nose and our children’s mouth and nose, and then we suffocate.

Likewise, by putting all of ourselves into a relationship, without maintaining clear boundaries between where we end, and the other person begins, we lose ourselves. 

Maintaining a clear sense of ourselves to ground ourselves in a purely wholehearted and courageous way means we put on our oxygen mask first.

Then, we help our loved ones if they need help. 

Navigating Relationships

When coming together with one another to travel to our destination of We Island, we present our authentic selves.

Then we start to navigate and negotiate our trip to We Island. Until that happens, I believe in my experience, education, and research, that if we don’t ground ourselves first, we miss opportunities to grow into healthy relationships.

Then, one day, we get married, and we’re all happy in the honeymoon phase for the first few years, and then the pivotal years come into sight, and we see a way out.

Sharing my story is intended to offer insight. It is not my intention to promote marriage or divorce.

This system of thinking is applied in any relationship and is a lesson I have learned to engage in healthy relationships, starting with my relationship with myself on Me Island.

Risks in Relationships

If we don’t have a solid grounding in who we are and don’t present that to the world from a space of authenticity, we risk engaging in relationships that aren’t necessarily healthy for us. That’s the risk.

I don’t know about you, but who wants to live their lives pretending to be somebody else or accommodating to suit roles that we think we need to fit?

Living throughout our lives and waking up at the end of the day and asking, “why did I do that?” or “why did I have to wait until awakening to become who I truly am?” 

Strategies for Grounding Ourselves

There are three essential steps to ground ourselves into our authentic self:

  • Step 1: Choose Love
  • Step 2: Set Boundaries
  • Step 3: Communicate

Step 1: Choose Love

To start, we need to have a clear sense of ourselves.

Then, we must do the work to face the uncomfortable and the messy to get through to cultivating the beautiful and true strengths within who we are. We achieve this by committing to choosing love first.

We choose love to explore different parts of ourselves, our interests and needs, our values, what we desire, and who we hope to become.

How do I handle myself?

Next, we decide how we want to handle ourselves.

Deciding how we want to conduct ourselves is a way for us to ground into who we are as a person.

We protect ourselves vehemently by choosing love first, then deciding how we want to handle ourselves. I don’t mean to defend ourselves by pushing other people away, shutting down, or closing into ourselves. Instead, we consciously decide to set boundaries around ourselves by protecting ourselves.

As a result, we are confident, empowered, and comfortable saying, “this is Me Island.” 

  • We don’t let the opinions of others influence what we choose to do or how we spend our time. Likewise, we don’t let how other people feel about our decisions or choices affect us.
  • We don’t let other people determine how we choose to spend time with ourselves, other people, our work, hobbies, projects, and activities. 
  • We don’t let the opinions of others influence any of our relationships or activities we’re involved in, especially when it’s something that’s truly aligned with what we want ourselves to achieve in our personal growth and personal development goals.

Step 2: Set Boundaries

Step two is when we have done our self-exploration and start to set boundaries around ourselves.

We set boundaries around ourselves, and we safeguard ourselves.

Safeguarding ourselves means setting boundaries around our time, our energy, our focus, and everything that we want and need to be able to achieve what we want to achieve and become in this life. 

Step 3: Communicate

Step three is all about communication.

Setting boundaries is a form of social skills. Throughout our lives, setting boundaries is mainly undeveloped. Part of being undeveloped is because we need to listen to our parents and caregivers when we’re growing up.

Our parents’ and caregivers’ role is to have our best interests in mind to keep us safe and healthy to grow. During this time, we must follow the rules, which carry on into other aspects of our lives.

So when we start to look at setting boundaries, we must first ensure that we have the necessary communication skills. 

Setting boundaries is necessary to exercise social skills, and communication skills are essential to set boundaries effectively.

Some critical communication skills and social skills we need to consider:

  • Carve out sacred space to prepare what we want to discuss with the other person. 
  • Take time to reflect so we know when we do present it to the person, we are consciously aware and living through our values, our needs, and our interest in the relationship
  • Be mindful of the emotions that emerge and how to manage those to be able to present what we want to talk about with the other person that respects ourselves, the other person, and the relationship 

Active Listening Skills

Practicing active listening skills presents us with opportunities to develop robust capacities around how we manage ourselves. Some critical strategies for active listening include:

  • “I” Statements
  • Assertive Communication
  • Open-Ended Questions

Summary

Throughout our lives, relationships come in many forms.

Grounding in our authentic self is necessary to engage in healthy relationships.

Grounding into ourselves includes:

  • Communicating honestly.
  • Being aware of what we need emotionally and physically.
  • Setting boundaries.
  • Staying true to our values.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

References

Brené Brown Quotes (Author of Daring Greatly). (n.d.). http://Www.goodreads.com. https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/162578.Bren_Brown

Honoryouressence. (2022, April 6). Top 10 Personal Growth Reads for 2022. Honor Your Essence. https://honoryouressence.com/top-10-personal-growth-reads-for-2022/

Provisional number of marriages and marriage rate: United States, 2000-2020. (n.d.). https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/dvs/national-marriage-divorce-rates-00-20.pdf

Self Love Means Setting Boundaries is Necessary

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

Setting boundaries is the basis of what self-love means. Without it, you won’t protect yourself and practice self-care.

Get practical strategies for setting boundaries in this post.

Boundaries and Communication

Social skills involve more than just knowing how to communicate. They also include learning how to set boundaries.

Boundaries are essential to any healthy relationship, yet they are often overlooked. When we ignore our boundaries, we are left feeling disconnected from ourselves and taken advantage of by others.

Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of self, whether it’s setting limits on how much time we spend with certain people or politely saying no to requests that would put us outside of our comfort zone.

Boundaries are based on clear communication. The more specific we are when expressing our boundaries, the more likely they will be respected by others.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-love and an acquired skill.

Self-Love Means

Self-love is something most of us strive for throughout our lives.

Self-love means valuing ourselves enough to care for ourselves by making better choices to ensure we are happy and healthy.

  • When we love ourselves, we know our worth and naturally want what is best for us.
  • When we know our worth, we set boundaries to protect our peace of mind.

Setting boundaries comes from a place of courage and authenticity and stresses the importance of self-care. Self-love, knowing our worth, courage, and authenticity allow us to make better choices for our lives overall.

Self-love is an integral part of our mental health. One of the most important things we can do for our mental health, emotional health, and self-esteem is to establish a daily practice for mental wellbeing.

For example, taking care of our needs through simple steps like getting enough sleep, meditating about positive affirmations in a quiet place, practicing body positivity, and making healthy choices may become some favorite ways to practice self-love.

At the end of the day, the goal of true self-love is to look at ourselves in the bathroom mirror, see our authentic self with high regard, witness our true strengths, and be in a state of appreciation.

Boundaries as Self Love

Sometimes the phrase “self-love” conjures up images of long baths, face masks, and generous servings of your favorite comfort food.

While there’s nothing wrong with these self-care ideas, true self-love means so much more than only pampering ourselves. It means taking care of our emotional, mental, and physical well-being and setting boundaries in our relationships.

Boundaries are a form of self-love because boundary-less relationships are usually pretty one-sided affairs.

Emotional and Mental Health

When it comes to self-love, one of the most important things we can do is set boundaries.

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, personal development, and personal growth. Without them, we can feel overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or even trapped.

Setting boundaries helps to protect our mental and emotional health. It allows us to say “no” when we need to without feeling guilty.

Living with a value for the importance of self-love gives us the space to nurture our well-being without worrying about always putting others first.

Positive boundaries show that we love and respect ourselves and are only willing to put up with so much.

The word “boundary” comes from the word “bound” in the sense of “bound to.” It means that we’re bound to or grounded in ourselves, committed to our choices, and unwilling to allow others to flow into our emotional and mental space.

Boundaries are Necessary

Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of self.

  • One of the most important things we can do for ourselves is set boundaries to reach positive changes in our lives.
  • Healthy boundaries are necessary to maintain a healthy sense of self and develop solid and lasting relationships.

Our boundaries are like an invisible fence. We see and feel the fence when we’ve gotten close to it, but that remains apparent even when we sit on the other side.

Here’s three benefits of setting boundaries:

  • a statement of what we will and will not accept in our lives.
  • a limit that safeguards us from being taken advantage of, mistreated, or violated.
  • a place inside us where we feel free of other people’s expectations, opinions, demands, and wants.

Most importantly, our boundaries reflect who we are and what we believe is right (or wrong).

Knowing Our Limits

When we know our limits and stick to them, we clearly communicate that we respect ourselves and expect others to do the same.

Setting boundaries is challenging in relationships, especially when we’ve put everyone else’s needs before our own. However, we must learn that caring for ourselves is not selfish – it’s necessary for personal growth and well-being.

Setting boundaries becomes less challenging when we commit to ourselves in this way.

Boundaries and Relationships

Our boundaries will differ depending on the people we interact with and in what context.

For example, we will set different boundaries for our loved ones than the boundaries we set at work with our leaders and colleagues. Each relationship is unique, and we navigate setting boundaries in each connection.

For example, some people may get upset if you don’t immediately respond to a message or call them back, and others may be fine when you don’t want to see them for a few weeks.

We need to figure out effective ways to set boundaries in each relationship.

Fears

We often fail to set boundaries because we fear that we’ll lose the relationship if we do.

We fear that our loved ones won’t want to be with us if we say no. Or we want to please others by doing what they want, so we deny our own needs. It’s normal to feel fear when setting boundaries.

To rise about the fear, we choose to love ourselves first. Boundaries are an act of self-love and setting boundaries is about what we need.

Boundaries are something we create that reflect where we end and others begin.

We feel used and mistreated when we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable. These negative feelings are why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.

Brene Brown

Boundaries vs. Control

Different people have different ideas about what healthy boundaries look like.

For some people, any kind of limit on their options is unhealthy. This could include time limits, rules about how they behave, or even dress code restrictions.

We shouldn’t mistake boundaries for control. However, if someone feels someone close to them is establishing limitations in a controlling manner, there may be underlying issues in the relationship or with the people.

We are all on our own journey and sometimes we need to ask ourselves what needs are being fulfilled in our relationships, align ourselves with the life we want to live, and choose the people we want to share our time and energy with for our best interests.

Establishing Boundaries

It’s essential to understand where our boundaries are focused clearly.

We set boundaries around strong foundations of self-love and respect and they guide how we engage with others physically, verbally, and emotionally.

Once we know our limits in these areas, it becomes much easier to stick to them and assert ourselves when necessary.

Our boundaries define what we are and are not comfortable with regarding physical and emotional space. They help us maintain a healthy relationship with ourselves and others and set appropriate expectations.

For example, regarding choosing how to spend our time, it is necessary to set boundaries. Setting boundaries around time is a great place to start because they are frequently violated.

We must expect to have a busy schedule with family, work, school, or other obligations. Schedules are necessary as we move forward in life. In situations when someone regularly takes advantage of our free time, it is appropriate to set boundaries.

Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connections with family and close friends.

Brene Brown

Everyone’s boundaries are different.

This article is a great resource and explores how to take care of your own needs by explaining six types of boundaries with questions to ask yourself when you want to set boundaries:

The Science of People

Boundaries Change

Our boundaries will change over time as we grow and change and get to know ourselves more.

It is natural and normal for boundaries to change. When our boundaries shift, it’s a sign that we are changing, growing, and learning more about ourselves and what we want.

For example, we may decide to set goals for ourselves or take up a new hobby, train for a marathon, learn a new language, join a fitness class, or go back to school. With these changes, we need to revisit our boundaries and possibly set new boundaries in our relationships.

It’s empowering and liberating to change our boundaries whenever we want, but it might take practice to figure out how to do this clearly with family members and friends.

How to Set Boundaries

Having healthy boundaries means that we set rules for how others can treat us.

Setting boundaries is an integral part of taking care of ourselves. When we set clear boundaries, we are more likely to have healthy relationships and personal growth.

In addition, boundaries give us the courage to stand up for ourselves. Unfortunately, setting effective boundaries can be difficult.

Sometimes we are told that it is unfair or unreasonable to do so when people do not respect our boundaries.

Eleven Tips to Setting Boundaries

  • Recognize that your needs and feelings are not more important than other people’s. 
  • Show that you mean what you say. Have confidence in your right to have your views taken seriously while respecting that others also have opinions and rights of equal worth. 
  • Speak calmly and confidently. 
  • Take responsibility for your life and its direction. Tell others how you feel and what you need. Believe in yourself.
  • Consider other people’s needs as well as your own.
  • Set limits and stick to them. Value yourself enough to say ‘no.’ You are within your rights to say ‘no’ to an unreasonable request. 
  • Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for putting your needs first. If you don’t look after yourself, no one else can. You are entitled to respect yourself and to be treated with consideration by the adults around you, even if it means there is a temporary upset. 
  • Know your triggers. We all have things that bother us or make us uncomfortable. Knowing our triggers, we can be prepared for how to deal with them when they come up. 
  • Communicate assertively. If you struggle to say no to people, I highly recommend rehearsing how you’re going to turn them down. Research suggests that practicing our assertive statements will dramatically increase how confident we feel in those situations.
  • Make decisions that are best for you.
  • Describe Your Boundaries

Preparing to Set Boundaries

Taking time to get clarity around our limits and acceptable behaviors is an essential first step to setting healthy boundaries in our relationships.

Journaling or making a mind map are great ways to clarify our boundaries. Here are a few questions to get you started:

  • What would you like your boundaries to look like? 
  • What behaviors are not acceptable to you? 
  • How much space do you need? 
  • How much time do you need? 
  • How do you want to be treated? 
  • What is most important to you, and what can wait? 
  • Write down your expectations and desires on paper, so there is no doubt about your intentions.

You will catch yourself when you are reacting and responding in a way you hadn’t planned. When you do this, be kind to yourself.

You will make mistakes, and they don’t have to define you or who you will become in the future.

Setting boundaries is not an easy skill; it takes time and practice to develop the habit of setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

I’m never more courageous than when I’m embracing imperfection, embracing vulnerabilities, and setting boundaries with the people in my life.

Brene Brown

Communication Skills

Our boundaries are determined by how well we communicate with others.

If we are clear and specific about our boundaries, others are more likely to respect them.

When developing the skill of setting boundaries, it’s important to communicate assertively and use “I” Language. The following two activities will help you to prepare for setting boundaries. 

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication means sharing your thoughts and feelings openly, honestly, and directly. It involves recognizing your rights while also respecting the rights of others.

This kind of communication allows you to take responsibility for yourself and your actions without judging or blaming others.

  • An assertion does not involve the intent to hurt the other person, whereas aggression does.
  • Assertive behavior aims at making the power between two people equal.
  • Assertive behavior involves expressing your legitimate rights.
  • Remember – Other individuals also have a right to respond to your assertiveness.  

Assertive Communication Model

The Assertive Communication Model has four steps.

Step 1: Use Descriptive Language
  • Detail the other’s behavior and circumstances
  • Be specific
  • Use non-defensive speaking skills. 
Step 2: Express Yourself
  • Use “I” messages, your reaction to the behavior, the circumstances, and the facts, using objective words.
Step 3: Specify Objectives
  • Goals
  • Intentions
  • Needs
  • Preferences
Step 4: Specify Benefits
  • Remain positive
  • Stress mutual benefits
  • Use collaborative Language
  • Be inclusive of other

Examples

  • When I began to speak a moment ago, you also started talking. 
  • I feel annoyed because I don’t feel understood. 
  • I would like us to try to hear each other’s points of view, that way I think we might both feel respected.
  • When you suggested that we complete the job by the end of the month, my concern is that we might have to sacrifice quality to meet that deadline. 
  • We may need to discuss this further to meet quality and timeliness, which I believe is vital for our working relationship. 

Using “I” Statements

Setting boundaries can cause conflict situations.

The best way to resolve any conflict is to communicate effectively. One way to do this is to use “I” statements, which focus on your feelings and reactions.

Using “I” Statements allows you to take ownership of your emotions and shows the other person that you’re willing to work together to find a resolution.

Differences Between “I” and “You” Statements

“You” Messages (Accusations) “I” Messages (Ownership)
You never listen to me.I’m feeling frustrated.

It’s essential for our relationship that my point is understood.
You never let me say anything.I’m feeling frustrated because I want an opportunity to say more about what I think.
You make me furious.I’m feeling angry…

I’m feeling intimidated…

I’m feeling ____________.
Your attitude towards me is unacceptable. I would like to improve our working relationship.
Differences between “You” and “I” Statements

“You” statements are more likely to escalate conflicts because they place blame on others.

On the other hand, “I” statements help the listener understand our feelings and reactions and take ownership of our part in the conflict.

“I” Language is a powerful tool for assertively communicating our views and feelings without crossing into judgmental territory.

This kind of communication is more likely to provoke positive responses from others since it doesn’t come across as accusatory or aggressive.

Guidelines for “I” Language

  • Speak for yourself: state your observations, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, etc.
  • Express your feelings in ways that indicate self-responsibility for your experience
  • Request cooperative behavior, preferably in positive terms.

Tips for “I” Language

  • Be genuine.
  • Tune in to the primary feeling. (What was the first feeling you experienced?)
  • Accurately reflect the intensity. (e.g., “I’m feeling discouraged,” rather than blaming others for your feelings.
  • Avoid implying that the other person is responsible for your feelings (e.g. State “I feel annoyed” rather than “I feel annoyed by you…”)

 Practicing “I” Language

Using the guidelines and tips, restate the following in “I” Language [NOTE: You are the speaker]. 

  1. You always forget things that are important to me.
  2. You make me crazy with your timing.
  3. You never consider me when you make these decisions.
  4. You’re just trying to get your way; you don’t care what I want. 
  5. You should’ve known to pass the message on to me as soon as I came in.
  6. You’re too rigid about political correctness.
  7. What a messy person you are, leaving the kitchen in this condition. 
  8. You’re reckless when it comes to money.
  9. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
  10. You shouldn’t feel that way; nobody else thinks of you as an outsider.

Final Tips for “I” Language

We must be clear and concise when communicating our boundary-setting intentions, as vagueness will only result in dismissal or misunderstanding.

Be assertive by being specific in what you say; this way, your message will be better received. Following these final tips for assertive communication and “I” Language is helpful:

  • Be specific
  • Be clear/direct
  • Be positive
  • Be collaborative

Summary

Setting boundaries is an integral part of any relationship.

It allows us to create a space where we feel safe, respected, and free to be ourselves. Learning to set boundaries begins with learning how to respect and honor ourselves.

Respecting and honoring ourselves means taking the time to explore what we need and want in a relationship. Once we clearly understand our own needs, we can communicate them to others.

To have healthy relationships, knowing how to set boundaries is essential.

Knowing how to set boundaries means we must take the time to determine our personal expectations and standards.

Once we understand that, we can communicate our needs to others using assertive communication and “I” statements when setting boundaries.

I’m still learning to make choices that aren’t perfect but are right for me.

Brene Brown

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

References

Barkley, S. (2021, October 25). 15 Kind Ways to Say No to People and Keep Your Sanity. Power of Positivity: Positive Thinking & Attitude. https://www.powerofpositivity.com/say-no-to-people/

Oroo, B. (2022, July 5). 70+ healthy boundaries quotes to help you define your bubble. Legit.ng – Nigeria News. https://www.legit.ng/ask-legit/quotes-messages/1476523-70-healthy-boundaries-quotes-define-bubble/

How to Set Boundaries as an Act of Self Love

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

Feeling overwhelmed? Set boundaries as an important practice of self-love with these actionable tips and strategies! Unlock a greater sense of peace and wellbeing today.

Honoring Our Authentic Self

It seems like someone is telling us we need to set boundaries everywhere we turn. But what does that even mean? And why are boundaries so important? How do we set boundaries?

Other people’s opinions can easily influence the choices we make in life. Sometimes, we bend to what will make others feel happy and loved rather than listening to what our heart tells us.

Holding back because of the opinions of others is harmful to our personal growth, personal development, and mental wellbeing.

The risk of always having a high regard for others’ needs first is we may find ourselves with mental health issues, low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, or unhealthy relationships.

Even worse, we may not recognize the person staring back at us in the bathroom mirror.

We engage in a healthy relationship with ourselves by staying true to our authentic selves.

Staying true to our authentic self means doing a daily practice of honoring and accepting what we want, need, and desire, despite outside pressure from others. Aligning with our authentic self is how we set boundaries.

Being in a Healthy State

It’s essential to be healthy and have a healthy relationship with ourselves first to experience life. We choose to be in a healthy state at any given moment.

We must choose to do so if we want to live a meaningful and fulfilling life. Being in a healthy state with ourselves is essentially embracing self love from a space of unconditional love.

Unconditional love is where we have a sense of self-worth, recognizing that our value is independent of external factors. Making this clear distinction between self and others is an essential first step in learning self love.

Setting boundaries is a form of self love. First, however, we must remember to set boundaries to respect ourselves – not to offend others.

By setting boundaries, we send the message that we value, respect, and love ourselves enough to put our needs first.

Self-love Means

Self love means loving ourselves enough to know we are worthy.

When we claim our worth, we understand what is best for ourselves and set boundaries to ensure we do everything necessary to protect our peace of mind.

Setting boundaries from a space of worthiness create strong foundations in our authentic ‘self.’ Hence, we make better choices for our lives.

For example, if your spouse or friends like staying out late and you need to be at work early in the morning, self love for you may mean ensuring you get enough sleep.

Other forms of self love include carving out time from a busy schedule for small things like face masks, listening to positive affirmations, or meditating in a state of appreciation.

Importance of Self-Love

Although it can be challenging, accepting, embracing, and loving ourselves is one of the most important things we can do in life.

It’s time, to be honest with ourselves about who we are, how we feel, and what we need.

We must stop beating ourselves up for everything we’re not and courageously start appreciating everything we are. And we need to remember that not everyone in our lives will always agree with us – but that’s okay.

It is when we do not think about how others will react to us; as a result, we act and do things out of love. As within, so without.

  • Self love is all about the conscious connection with yourself and others.
  • Self love is essential to happiness and a prerequisite to living a healthy and fulfilled life.

Without self love, we cannot love others; without self love, happiness remains elusive.

Be the Best Friend

It is so vital that we learn to be our own best friend. But unfortunately, we know how to be our own worst enemy without even realizing it.

We crave the love and acceptance of others but forget to give ourselves the same love, consideration, compassion, and attention.

We all have that one person in our lives who we can rely on no matter what-our best friend. However, sometimes we forget that we need to be our own best friend too.

If we don’t learn to be our own best friend, we can easily become our own worst enemies. We often seek the love of others while forgetting to love ourselves.

Seeking love from others can be a trap that leads to unhappiness.

Be Brave

We must realize that our most significant task is not finding self love but breaking down the barriers we have constructed against it.

When we are brave enough to push through these walls – to accept ourselves, despite our negative self-talk – we open the door to more compassionate, empathetic, and intimate relationships with others.

Through true self-love we commit to making positive changes in our lives and make healthy choices for ourselves.

If we always allow others to decide what we can handle, what we should and shouldn’t feel, and how we should react, we will never be able to stand as our own person.

Learning how to be my best friend has been the hardest of all the life lessons I have learned and re-learned over the years. But it is also the most important because I believe that nothing makes us more compassionate towards others than compassion towards ourselves.

And if we are not our own best friends, then who will be?

What is a Boundary?

Boundaries are what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable in your relationships with others.

They establish what’s allowed and what’s off-limits in your personal and professional life.

Boundaries are rules and limits we set to honor ourselves. They’re a part of being assertive.

The lines we draw around our thoughts, actions, behaviors, time, and space help us to maintain our boundaries and to have a healthy balance in life.

For example, suppose you don’t have any rules about how you communicate. In that case, you may find that you’re constantly feeling overwhelmed by how other people share with you.

Boundaries are a critical part of positive self-care. Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself and others that help you care for your emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing.

Boundaries help you feel safe within your own skin.

When you respect your boundaries, you are protecting yourself from other people’s unsolicited opinions and behaviors. You are also protecting yourself from transferring your feelings onto others.

Setting boundaries is an exercise in our true strengths and there are effective ways to approach establishing boundaries in our existing relationships.

Why are Boundaries Important?

We all have our boundaries. They protect us from getting hurt, both physically and emotionally.

And while it might seem like setting a boundary is simply about keeping other people out, it’s really about respecting and caring for ourselves.

Think of it this way: if you wouldn’t let somebody do something to your best friend, child, significant other, mother, etc., why would you allow them to do it to you?

Setting a boundary means saying that you matter just as much as anyone else does.

Boundaries and Values

Setting boundaries is a way of embracing what we value.

When we embrace what we value, we live from our values. We set boundaries to shield and honor our values.

For example, if you live from a value of commitment, then time, energy, and space are essential. When someone is repeatedly late or overstays their welcome, you would ultimately set a boundary and communicate that boundary to the other person. Thus living from your values of commitment, self-respect, self-discipline, freedom, etc. 

It’s essential to set boundaries to let a person know where we end and they begin. If they want or need more from us than we’re able or willing to give, it’s crucial to know that and set appropriate boundaries.

By setting boundaries, we safeguard ourselves from getting overwhelmed and spread too thin. In addition, when we have clear boundaries, we consciously live from our values.

Setting boundaries helps us feel self-confident and consciously engaged in our lives. They provide structure and help us manage our lives.

Besides setting boundaries with others, we also set boundaries with ourselves. We might want to do something we know is wrong or harmful, so we set a boundary as a way of living our values.

For example, I know eating a chocolate bar every day is not healthy. So, from a space of living my value of health, I restrict indulgence in chocolate bars to eating one Snickers a month.

How to Set Boundaries

Without boundaries, we can become overwhelmed and lose ourselves.

We all have different areas in our lives where we need to set boundaries. Whether it’s with our time, our energy, or how much we share with others, setting healthy boundaries is an integral part of taking care of ourselves.

It can be challenging to know where to start when it comes to setting boundaries. We might worry that we’ll offend someone, or they won’t understand why we need space. But the truth is, healthy boundary-setting starts with living from a value of respect for ourselves.

Setting boundaries gives us needed energy and space. However, to effectively set boundaries, we must permit ourselves to be honest.

Being honest and living from values of honesty and authenticity means being who we are without feeling guilty.

For example, telling someone, you don’t want to do something doesn’t make you a mean person. Instead, it means you need to spend your time and energy on other things.

One of the biggest struggles people have with setting boundaries is a fear of losing people in their lives because they’re honest with them.

We must put things out there, and it’s a risk—but it’s also a relief. It’s a relief, to be honest about what we need to feel good about ourselves.

Living from a value of personal fulfillment or self-expression is liberating.

Preparing to Set Boundaries

Preparing ourselves to set boundaries is a great way to build confidence.

Preparing starts with creating space for ourselves. Creating space for ourselves is a powerful tool and includes preparing to live from our values consciously.

When setting boundaries with others, preparing before talking with the other person is a good thing. The best way to prepare is to first set aside enough time to set goals and take care of your own needs. 

These simple steps are a great resource.

Step One

Be honest with yourself. Commit to jot down ideas, journal, and mind map what you think and feel about the relationship. You can ask yourself,

  • What am I thinking and feeling about my role in the relationship?
  • How am I consciously living from my values?
  • Where am I not consciously living from my values?
  • What am I thinking and feeling about the other person’s role in the relationship?
  • What do I need?

Be honest about how you see the relationship and your role in it.

Take the time to flush this out and be sure that the information you want to focus on relates to the boundary you will set and not on blaming or attacking the other person.

Setting boundaries is about our needs, not about what the other person will think or how they will feel. It is always important to be kind.

Step Two

Give yourself space and time to think through what you will say and then say them out loud.

Then, practice how you will set your boundaries with other people.

For example, you can speak your truth while driving in your car, in the shower, or in front of the bathroom mirror. Whatever you need to do to say the words out loud will help you to build confidence in setting boundaries.

My strategy is to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and talk through it like I am talking to the other person. It feels awkward and uncomfortable at first, but once you create space for yourself to practice saying things that are difficult for you to say out loud, it becomes easier.

It becomes easier because you can safely speak your truth. You can speak your truth and focus on the needed compassion for yourself—this is self love.

Step Three

Establish a time and a place to discuss with the other person.

When you feel prepared to set a boundary with another person, communicate. Let the other person know there are some key things you would like to discuss with them.

When we feel hurt, frustrated, or fearful, we often retreat until we feel ready to emerge again. Sometimes we think it is not worth discussing, or we may have blown things out of proportion because of a bad day, and we abandon the reality that boundaries are necessary.

We must hold our power. Please don’t give it away. Setting boundaries is healthy and necessary for a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.

Healthy relationships require communication and boundaries. Each person must be respected in order to maintain a healthy tone in the relationship. Respect is how we create space for everyone to express their truth.

You can express your desire to discuss the relationship with the other person by asking when would be a good time for them.

You should make it clear that you need to talk soon, but be patient and understand that the other person needs time too.

Summary

Setting boundaries is an act of self love.

When we set boundaries, we live our values from a space of worthiness.

Through asserting our boundaries consistently, we consciously manage our lives, taking a significant step toward a healthier, happier relationship with ourselves and the world around us.

Our boundaries keep us from doing things that we regret or could hurt us in the long run.

They are our safety net; if we plan to live a healthy and happy life, we must respect them.

It takes effort and courage to set boundaries, but ultimately the payoff is worth it.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne