The quote, “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm,” is a powerful reminder that you do not have to sacrifice your own well-being to help others.
As humans, we often have a natural tendency to prioritize the needs and happiness of those around us. While nothing is inherently wrong with this, neglecting our needs and joy becomes problematic.
Self-sacrifice is often seen as a virtue, and it can be rewarding to help others. However, it is crucial to recognize that there are limits to what we can give without hurting ourselves.
Ignoring these limits leads to burnout, resentment, and a loss of our own identity and sense of self-worth.
Prioritize Yourself
It is crucial to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfish; it is necessary.
Just as we must put on our own oxygen masks before helping others on a plane, we must prioritize our own well-being to help those around us effectively.
This can include setting boundaries, saying no to unreasonable requests, and taking time for self-care.
When we prioritize our own well-being, we become better equipped to help others in meaningful ways. By caring for ourselves, we can better show up for the people we care about with more energy, compassion, and empathy.
Moreover, setting boundaries and prioritizing our own well-being can set an example for those around us. It shows that we value ourselves and our needs and encourages others to do the same.
Setting Boundaries
By modeling self-care and self-respect, we create a culture of mutual care and respect that benefits everyone.
Here are some helpful statements to use when setting boundaries in your relationships:
“I need some space to focus on myself right now.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I need to make my own decisions.”
“I understand your perspective, but I need you to respect mine as well.”
“I need to set some boundaries to prioritize my well-being.”
“I’m not comfortable with that, and I need you to stop.”
“I need us to communicate more effectively and respectfully.”
“I need to be able to trust you, which means respecting my boundaries.”
“I need you to listen to me and validate my feelings.”
“I need to take a break from this conversation/argument to calm down.”
“I need to prioritize my own needs and wants sometimes, and that doesn’t mean I care any less about you.”
Summary
In conclusion, the quote “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm” reminds us that taking care of ourselves is not selfish but necessary for our well-being and those around us.
We must prioritize our own needs and happiness to be able to help others effectively.
By doing so, we take care of ourselves and set an example for others to follow, creating a culture of mutual care and respect.
It is important to remember you are worthy of love. This includes self-love and loving and accepting who we are, just as we are.
Despite our flaws or the mistakes that we might have made, it’s essential to recognize that we all deserve love without judgment or condition.
This blog post shares how to break free from negative self-talk and build positive energy to help you truly believe in yourself as a deserving person worthy of love.
On my own self-love journey, I spent a significant amount of alone time reflecting on past mistakes.
I soon realized I lived in a place of a lack of self-love. I suffered from low self-esteem and engaged in negative self-talk and negative thoughts. I had a mean inner critic and wanted a better life.
People Pleaser
I was a people pleaser and had high regard for others’ needs instead of my own needs. My entire life loving others first often landed me in a toxic relationship with a friend, a colleague, a marriage for 25 years, and even a new lover after my divorce.
I desired higher self-esteem and higher levels of self-worth. I was exhausted from carrying around negative emotions about myself.
Taking the First Step
In 2002, I stepped way outside of my comfort zone and made my first appointment with a clinical psychologist.
I am a believer in having an impartial third party to help you unpack your narrative to make sense of any potential negative events in your life and your subconscious mind.
During this important step in my personal growth, I discovered developing a solid relationship with my psychologist was much better for my mental health in the long run than talking to family members and my closest friends.
Finding a good fit for someone to help me with hard times and self-esteem issues was the first step leading me to over two decades of self-love.
Discovery
Twenty years later, I feel connected to my true self and feel like I have an intimate understanding of the concept of self-love.
I am responsible for my own happiness and I feel like I have unpacked the meaning of unconditional love.
I am grateful beyond words for discovering how to be my own best friend, the loving relationships, the healthy relationships, and the good people in my life.
How Do You Learn To Love Yourself?
This six-step process will get you started with recognizing your uniqueness, your passions, and how you are worthy of love:
Discover your values.
Live your values.
Choose your tribe.
Keep good people in your life.
Have fun!
Reignite your passions.
Build Context for Your Experiences
What a journey these past few years have been. Five full years since I ended life as I knew it and ventured on a new journey for me.
There have been many ups and downs and I feel like I am in a space of transition and re-balancing again. I also think it’s time I stop using that change in my life as a reference point for where I am and who I have become.
Someone once told me a parable that resonated with me, and up until now it has been in the back of my mind but makes sense today as I share it with you.
Parable
There once was a man who decided he wanted to change his life. He sat in his beautiful home and counted his degrees and awards and collection of books and personal possessions with a mix of pride and sorrow.
He had achieved many successes at work and in life, yet he didn’t feel successful. He knew he wanted to become someone different, but he didn’t know how or where to start his journey to becoming.
Each night he tossed and turned and mulled over potential ideas in his head. One night he decided he would leave it all and embark on a journey of self-discovery.
He dispersed all his worldly possessions, only keeping one loincloth. He booked a ticket to the most remote of places where he planned to immerse in meditation and self-discovery.
It was a long journey. He spent the first year learning how to meditate in such a way as to turn his mind off and feel his body. In the second year, he felt like he was well on his way to mastering meditation and peaceful life. He was healthier, stronger, calmer, and happier.
One day, in the third year, he was washing his loincloth at the well and a rat jumped out from behind the bucket, grabbed the man’s only possession, his loincloth, and ran in the opposite direction.
The man, distraught, chased the rat and managed to retrieve his loincloth. When he inspected his loincloth, he noticed the rat had ripped it. Devastated with the damage, the man sat down and sobbed.
“Why did this happen to me?’ he pleaded.
“How could that rat destroy my one and only possession?” he cried.
“Give me a sign! I need to know if I am on the right path to fulfillment!” He begged.
When he finished crying and felt calmer, he decided to meditate so he could feel grounded and centred in his body once again. Walking back to his house, he had an idea.
“I know! I will get a cat to kill the rat. This will ensure my loincloth will be protected from further harm.”
So, the man set off into town and found a kitten. He brought the kitten home and after a few days he thought, “I need to have milk for the kitten.”
This is when he decided he would get a cow for milk for the cat to eat so the cat can kill the rat.
Looking around, the man saw the vast area he had available for his cow, and he thought, “One cow? I can get a herd of cows then I will have milk to feed the cat who will kill the rat and milk and meat for me.”
The man, now having a whole herd of cows decided he needed to hire help to manage the cows.
He had little time to meditate and was feeling more and more agitated each day with his workload. So, the man found local people who wanted to work for him, but because they would have to travel a long distance to his remote location, they would need to ensure he would provide lunch to them.
The man hired more help to make lunches for the workers who tended the cows for the milk and the meat to feed the cat who would kill the rat.
Author Unknown
This parable left me with so many questions about how to live a fulfilled life including, how to feel worthy of love.
Intellectually I get that living a fulfilled life is dependent on our own individual values and needs. Our ideas about whom we want to become.
Bottom line, this parable sent me into a minor, yet impactful, existential crisis.
Dig into Your History to Uncover Patterns
I left Lethbridge, Alberta Canada with two suitcases and a carry-on four years ago. I have kept a small storage container with four Rubbermaid totes filled with documents, family heirlooms, and a few mementos I couldn’t part with at the time.
Four years later, I have a cat. Why does it always start with a cat? I have a life partner, we have a dog, an apartment, two e-bikes, electronics, a rice cooker, a slow cooker, a toaster oven, a blender, Tupperware, and now a deep freeze. Yes, we now have a deep freeze.
I thought about the man and thought about his dilemma when his loincloth was damaged and contemplated how, no matter how far we travel in body and spirit, we cycle back to a similar state of being.
The following outlines my discoveries through personal reflection.
To Feel Worthy of Love, Values Matter
When we live in a state of being aligned with our values, we are clear on who we are and what we want.
In my case, it took me four years to uncover my own core values that are my platform for why I do what I do and who I want to become.
When I feel a ‘rub.’ Do you know what I mean? When we are asked to do something or are in a situation and feel sensations that tell us we are not where we are supposed to be. Exactly, a ‘rub.’
When I feel a ‘rub’ I simply say to myself, “gratitude, authenticity, compassion, and courage”. Honestly, it is usually authenticity where the rub gets more intense. This is a trigger point for me.
When I am in a situation where the rub calls to my attention that I am not being authentic at that moment, I hear the rub, honour the rub, realign, and rely on compassion and courage to get me out of the situation. Later is when I lean on gratitude for thanks.
This is an example of how we live our values.
You need a process, something tangible you can do to bring your values to the forefront of your mind and life.
I look at my values like four separate entities, all unique, all significant, and all necessary for me to feel I am aligned with where I am going.
Living My Values
I’ve created a mantra I use when I am smudging and praying. This is what I call “My Soul Fire.”
Starting at my physical state, then emotions, mind, and spirit, I define who I strive to become each day through my values.
Uncovering your core values is a load of work, but well worth the effort.
I turned to a few sources to unwrap my layers to get to the reason why my feet hit the ground each day.
I believe I have been put on this earth to raise women. Beginning with the sacred source, mother earth, and returning to mother earth, I will work to do my part to make a difference in this life.
Here is a resource to help you get context around living from your values:
Brene Brown did a podcast episode on this topic and also has a worksheet you can do while listening to the podcast. I found it immensely helpful in uncovering my values.
To Feel Worthy of Love, Tribe Matters
Who is your tribe? Who are your people?
Yes, we all have people who are there when we are in a bind, but who are the people who will ask you the tough questions about how you got in the bind? Or ask you why you find yourself in a similar bind? Ouch.
These are your tribespeople who will help you to realign when you need it.
We all have relationships in the peripheral we go to for whatever need we need to be met, but it’s our tribe who will guide us through this life.
The people we trust, wholeheartedly, and whom we love unconditionally.
We are free to be whoever we want to be, and they respond with, “this is Suzanne, she is a flower today”. To which I respond, “tomorrow I want to be a _____.”
Friend Up
I used to tell my children and students to always ‘friend up’.
Friending up is finding the people who are doing what you strive to do or become and then aligning with them. I used to tell my students every semester, “find the smartest person in this class and be their group mate.”
They would laugh and halfway through the semester they would figure it out and align themselves accordingly.
Look for the people who are doing what you want to do, what you want to learn, and striving at what you hope to become. These are the people who will influence your choices, your mindset, and your fulfillment.
The mentors, the teachers, the coaches, the people who don’t work for these titles at a job but live these titles each day.
Look around you, take inventory, have conversations, and lean into who you are and who you want to become tomorrow.
I once read somewhere that if you tally up the 10 closest people to you, their characteristics, their habits, and their attitudes, you don’t need a magic ball to predict what your life will be like in 10 years.
This will land however it lands, based on wherever you are, and with whoever is around you.
Personal Reflection
Circling back to the man, I had a moment in the Master of Education program I just completed where I realized there were several members of my cohort who were nailing our assignments out of the park!
I lost my desire to thrive, to read journal articles, to research, and was counting the hours until we were done.
It was these people who went the extra mile for me by taking my calls, responding to my questions, sending me resources, and one time, adding me as a group member knowing I would contribute very little due to circumstances outside of my control.
I friended up and the learning was incredible.
They took the time to explain concepts to me in a way that made sense and I am forever grateful.
Ironically, but not surprisingly, I friended up in my first Master of Arts program in 2007 and had the same result.
We crushed through our thesis work and came out of it stronger individually and collectively. I now have a lifetime friend who continues to demonstrate her excellence through her NGO work around the world.
Please, friend up.
To Feel Worthy of Love, Fun Matters
To live a fulfilled life, I believe we need to embrace our inner child.
Remember when we used to dream and think about what we would do with our lives?
I remember a time when I wanted to be a journalist. I grew up watching CBC documentaries and CBC National News and thought about the exciting lives the journalists and reporters lived.
Writing, working and traveling around the world to places I had only seen in an encyclopedia or on a world globe. They seriously looked so cool!
I also enjoyed bubbles, Lego, painting, singing, swimming, and the outdoors. I lost track of these things over the years.
Sometimes I didn’t feel like I had the time, passion, interest, or talent anymore. I believed doing grown-up things was all that mattered.
Work, parent, cook, clean, shop, find Tupperware lids, pair socks, rinse, and repeat. I have learned.
Now, we only have the sandwich set of 4 Tupperware, so it is much easier to pair lids. And truthfully, most of the time we are packing lunches or leftovers with mixed lids. Who am I?
Re-Ignite Your Passion
Since my time of rediscovery, I have dabbled and then immersed in some forgotten passions and discovered some new passions.
I think all adults lose the things they used to enjoy over time. It is up to each of us to take the needed time to uncover our individual interests.
Always living our values and honoring our role as tribespeople, it is important for us to reconnect with our inner child and pick up where we may have left off and adjust accordingly.
Blogging is my way of feeding the passions I still have from my youth in journalism.
My new venture of writing children’s books is another way to fuel my passions. It is also a way for me to reconnect with my own inner child by diving into my characters, feeling their experiences, and creating the context of reality in the stories.
Aligned with my belief to do my part to make a difference for women in this life, I enjoy asking myself what my characters would say or do.
Fun is Freedom
There is freedom when fun matters.
Freedom to do what you want, with whomever you want, or by yourself, wherever you choose.
On my birthday this year, I went to the flower market and picked stems of my favorite flowers. Meeting my friend for lunch, a tribemate, I packed wire and ribbon, scissors, and picks.
When we were done lunch, I pulled out the craft items and told her I wanted to make myself a flower crown.
We both immediately got to work and put together a beautiful crown and shared a memorable experience.
That night, we all went out to dance and sing the night away and yes, there were bubbles. LOTS of bubbles! I took bubbles when we were out, and we had a blast!
February 12th, 2022 in Hainan, China.
Weekend Movie Making
Last weekend Murphy and I joined our friend and my colleague with his family at a hotel out of town.
We spent two days by the pool with a complete loss of time and responsibilities.
We played ball, then frisbee then decided we would make a movie. Keran is talented at movie making, he is making movies with his children and family for their own entertainment and memories.
So, we scripted our roles and let ourselves go to have fun, be silly, and create lasting memories.
I will say it is cheesier than the cheesiest cheese and we cringed when we watched it, but damn! It was fun!
Fun matters people. Now please, go have fun.
Summary
The parable taught me a valuable lesson about feeling worthy of love.
It’s not what we have or how much that influences our desire to feel we are living a fulfilled life, but what we do with what we have to live a fulfilled life feeling worthy of love.
Living. It comes down to living.
I believe for me to feel like I am living a fulfilled life, I need three key ingredients: values, tribe, and fun.
Inspiring a Fulfilled Life 