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Relationships

Self Love Means Setting Boundaries is Necessary

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

Setting boundaries is the basis of what self-love means. Without it, you won’t protect yourself and practice self-care.

Get practical strategies for setting boundaries in this post.

Table of contents

Boundaries and Communication

Social skills involve more than just knowing how to communicate. They also include learning how to set boundaries.

Boundaries are essential to any healthy relationship, yet they are often overlooked. When we ignore our boundaries, we are left feeling disconnected from ourselves and taken advantage of by others.

Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of self, whether it’s setting limits on how much time we spend with certain people or politely saying no to requests that would put us outside of our comfort zone.

Boundaries are based on clear communication. The more specific we are when expressing our boundaries, the more likely they will be respected by others.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-love and an acquired skill.

Self-Love Means

Self-love is something most of us strive for throughout our lives.

Self-love means valuing ourselves enough to care for ourselves by making better choices to ensure we are happy and healthy.

  • When we love ourselves, we know our worth and naturally want what is best for us.
  • When we know our worth, we set boundaries to protect our peace of mind.

Setting boundaries comes from a place of courage and authenticity and stresses the importance of self-care. Self-love, knowing our worth, courage, and authenticity allow us to make better choices for our lives overall.

Self-love is an integral part of our mental health. One of the most important things we can do for our mental health, emotional health, and self-esteem is to establish a daily practice for mental wellbeing.

For example, taking care of our needs through simple steps like getting enough sleep, meditating about positive affirmations in a quiet place, practicing body positivity, and making healthy choices may become some favorite ways to practice self-love.

At the end of the day, the goal of true self-love is to look at ourselves in the bathroom mirror, see our authentic self with high regard, witness our true strengths, and be in a state of appreciation.

Boundaries as Self Love

Sometimes the phrase “self-love” conjures up images of long baths, face masks, and generous servings of your favorite comfort food.

While there’s nothing wrong with these self-care ideas, true self-love means so much more than only pampering ourselves. It means taking care of our emotional, mental, and physical well-being and setting boundaries in our relationships.

Boundaries are a form of self-love because boundary-less relationships are usually pretty one-sided affairs.

Emotional and Mental Health

When it comes to self-love, one of the most important things we can do is set boundaries.

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, personal development, and personal growth. Without them, we can feel overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or even trapped.

Setting boundaries helps to protect our mental and emotional health. It allows us to say “no” when we need to without feeling guilty.

Living with a value for the importance of self-love gives us the space to nurture our well-being without worrying about always putting others first.

Positive boundaries show that we love and respect ourselves and are only willing to put up with so much.

The word “boundary” comes from the word “bound” in the sense of “bound to.” It means that we’re bound to or grounded in ourselves, committed to our choices, and unwilling to allow others to flow into our emotional and mental space.

Boundaries are Necessary

Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of self.

  • One of the most important things we can do for ourselves is set boundaries to reach positive changes in our lives.
  • Healthy boundaries are necessary to maintain a healthy sense of self and develop solid and lasting relationships.

Our boundaries are like an invisible fence. We see and feel the fence when we’ve gotten close to it, but that remains apparent even when we sit on the other side.

Here’s three benefits of setting boundaries:

  • a statement of what we will and will not accept in our lives.
  • a limit that safeguards us from being taken advantage of, mistreated, or violated.
  • a place inside us where we feel free of other people’s expectations, opinions, demands, and wants.

Most importantly, our boundaries reflect who we are and what we believe is right (or wrong).

Knowing Our Limits

When we know our limits and stick to them, we clearly communicate that we respect ourselves and expect others to do the same.

Setting boundaries is challenging in relationships, especially when we’ve put everyone else’s needs before our own. However, we must learn that caring for ourselves is not selfish – it’s necessary for personal growth and well-being.

Setting boundaries becomes less challenging when we commit to ourselves in this way.

Boundaries and Relationships

Our boundaries will differ depending on the people we interact with and in what context.

For example, we will set different boundaries for our loved ones than the boundaries we set at work with our leaders and colleagues. Each relationship is unique, and we navigate setting boundaries in each connection.

For example, some people may get upset if you don’t immediately respond to a message or call them back, and others may be fine when you don’t want to see them for a few weeks.

We need to figure out effective ways to set boundaries in each relationship.

Fears

We often fail to set boundaries because we fear that we’ll lose the relationship if we do.

We fear that our loved ones won’t want to be with us if we say no. Or we want to please others by doing what they want, so we deny our own needs. It’s normal to feel fear when setting boundaries.

To rise about the fear, we choose to love ourselves first. Boundaries are an act of self-love and setting boundaries is about what we need.

Boundaries are something we create that reflect where we end and others begin.

We feel used and mistreated when we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable. These negative feelings are why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.

Brene Brown

Boundaries vs. Control

Different people have different ideas about what healthy boundaries look like.

For some people, any kind of limit on their options is unhealthy. This could include time limits, rules about how they behave, or even dress code restrictions.

We shouldn’t mistake boundaries for control. However, if someone feels someone close to them is establishing limitations in a controlling manner, there may be underlying issues in the relationship or with the people.

We are all on our own journey and sometimes we need to ask ourselves what needs are being fulfilled in our relationships, align ourselves with the life we want to live, and choose the people we want to share our time and energy with for our best interests.

Establishing Boundaries

It’s essential to understand where our boundaries are focused clearly.

We set boundaries around strong foundations of self-love and respect and they guide how we engage with others physically, verbally, and emotionally.

Once we know our limits in these areas, it becomes much easier to stick to them and assert ourselves when necessary.

Our boundaries define what we are and are not comfortable with regarding physical and emotional space. They help us maintain a healthy relationship with ourselves and others and set appropriate expectations.

For example, regarding choosing how to spend our time, it is necessary to set boundaries. Setting boundaries around time is a great place to start because they are frequently violated.

We must expect to have a busy schedule with family, work, school, or other obligations. Schedules are necessary as we move forward in life. In situations when someone regularly takes advantage of our free time, it is appropriate to set boundaries.

Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don’t matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connections with family and close friends.

Brene Brown

Everyone’s boundaries are different.

This article is a great resource and explores how to take care of your own needs by explaining six types of boundaries with questions to ask yourself when you want to set boundaries:

The Science of People

Boundaries Change

Our boundaries will change over time as we grow and change and get to know ourselves more.

It is natural and normal for boundaries to change. When our boundaries shift, it’s a sign that we are changing, growing, and learning more about ourselves and what we want.

For example, we may decide to set goals for ourselves or take up a new hobby, train for a marathon, learn a new language, join a fitness class, or go back to school. With these changes, we need to revisit our boundaries and possibly set new boundaries in our relationships.

It’s empowering and liberating to change our boundaries whenever we want, but it might take practice to figure out how to do this clearly with family members and friends.

How to Set Boundaries

Having healthy boundaries means that we set rules for how others can treat us.

Setting boundaries is an integral part of taking care of ourselves. When we set clear boundaries, we are more likely to have healthy relationships and personal growth.

In addition, boundaries give us the courage to stand up for ourselves. Unfortunately, setting effective boundaries can be difficult.

Sometimes we are told that it is unfair or unreasonable to do so when people do not respect our boundaries.

Eleven Tips to Setting Boundaries

  • Recognize that your needs and feelings are not more important than other people’s. 
  • Show that you mean what you say. Have confidence in your right to have your views taken seriously while respecting that others also have opinions and rights of equal worth. 
  • Speak calmly and confidently. 
  • Take responsibility for your life and its direction. Tell others how you feel and what you need. Believe in yourself.
  • Consider other people’s needs as well as your own.
  • Set limits and stick to them. Value yourself enough to say ‘no.’ You are within your rights to say ‘no’ to an unreasonable request. 
  • Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for putting your needs first. If you don’t look after yourself, no one else can. You are entitled to respect yourself and to be treated with consideration by the adults around you, even if it means there is a temporary upset. 
  • Know your triggers. We all have things that bother us or make us uncomfortable. Knowing our triggers, we can be prepared for how to deal with them when they come up. 
  • Communicate assertively. If you struggle to say no to people, I highly recommend rehearsing how you’re going to turn them down. Research suggests that practicing our assertive statements will dramatically increase how confident we feel in those situations.
  • Make decisions that are best for you.
  • Describe Your Boundaries

Preparing to Set Boundaries

Taking time to get clarity around our limits and acceptable behaviors is an essential first step to setting healthy boundaries in our relationships.

Journaling or making a mind map are great ways to clarify our boundaries. Here are a few questions to get you started:

  • What would you like your boundaries to look like? 
  • What behaviors are not acceptable to you? 
  • How much space do you need? 
  • How much time do you need? 
  • How do you want to be treated? 
  • What is most important to you, and what can wait? 
  • Write down your expectations and desires on paper, so there is no doubt about your intentions.

You will catch yourself when you are reacting and responding in a way you hadn’t planned. When you do this, be kind to yourself.

You will make mistakes, and they don’t have to define you or who you will become in the future.

Setting boundaries is not an easy skill; it takes time and practice to develop the habit of setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

I’m never more courageous than when I’m embracing imperfection, embracing vulnerabilities, and setting boundaries with the people in my life.

Brene Brown

Communication Skills

Our boundaries are determined by how well we communicate with others.

If we are clear and specific about our boundaries, others are more likely to respect them.

When developing the skill of setting boundaries, it’s important to communicate assertively and use “I” Language. The following two activities will help you to prepare for setting boundaries. 

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication means sharing your thoughts and feelings openly, honestly, and directly. It involves recognizing your rights while also respecting the rights of others.

This kind of communication allows you to take responsibility for yourself and your actions without judging or blaming others.

  • An assertion does not involve the intent to hurt the other person, whereas aggression does.
  • Assertive behavior aims at making the power between two people equal.
  • Assertive behavior involves expressing your legitimate rights.
  • Remember – Other individuals also have a right to respond to your assertiveness.  

Assertive Communication Model

The Assertive Communication Model has four steps.

Step 1: Use Descriptive Language
  • Detail the other’s behavior and circumstances
  • Be specific
  • Use non-defensive speaking skills. 
Step 2: Express Yourself
  • Use “I” messages, your reaction to the behavior, the circumstances, and the facts, using objective words.
Step 3: Specify Objectives
  • Goals
  • Intentions
  • Needs
  • Preferences
Step 4: Specify Benefits
  • Remain positive
  • Stress mutual benefits
  • Use collaborative Language
  • Be inclusive of other

Examples

  • When I began to speak a moment ago, you also started talking. 
  • I feel annoyed because I don’t feel understood. 
  • I would like us to try to hear each other’s points of view, that way I think we might both feel respected.
  • When you suggested that we complete the job by the end of the month, my concern is that we might have to sacrifice quality to meet that deadline. 
  • We may need to discuss this further to meet quality and timeliness, which I believe is vital for our working relationship. 

Using “I” Statements

Setting boundaries can cause conflict situations.

The best way to resolve any conflict is to communicate effectively. One way to do this is to use “I” statements, which focus on your feelings and reactions.

Using “I” Statements allows you to take ownership of your emotions and shows the other person that you’re willing to work together to find a resolution.

Differences Between “I” and “You” Statements

“You” Messages (Accusations) “I” Messages (Ownership)
You never listen to me.I’m feeling frustrated.

It’s essential for our relationship that my point is understood.
You never let me say anything.I’m feeling frustrated because I want an opportunity to say more about what I think.
You make me furious.I’m feeling angry…

I’m feeling intimidated…

I’m feeling ____________.
Your attitude towards me is unacceptable. I would like to improve our working relationship.
Differences between “You” and “I” Statements

“You” statements are more likely to escalate conflicts because they place blame on others.

On the other hand, “I” statements help the listener understand our feelings and reactions and take ownership of our part in the conflict.

“I” Language is a powerful tool for assertively communicating our views and feelings without crossing into judgmental territory.

This kind of communication is more likely to provoke positive responses from others since it doesn’t come across as accusatory or aggressive.

Guidelines for “I” Language

  • Speak for yourself: state your observations, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, etc.
  • Express your feelings in ways that indicate self-responsibility for your experience
  • Request cooperative behavior, preferably in positive terms.

Tips for “I” Language

  • Be genuine.
  • Tune in to the primary feeling. (What was the first feeling you experienced?)
  • Accurately reflect the intensity. (e.g., “I’m feeling discouraged,” rather than blaming others for your feelings.
  • Avoid implying that the other person is responsible for your feelings (e.g. State “I feel annoyed” rather than “I feel annoyed by you…”)

 Practicing “I” Language

Using the guidelines and tips, restate the following in “I” Language [NOTE: You are the speaker]. 

  1. You always forget things that are important to me.
  2. You make me crazy with your timing.
  3. You never consider me when you make these decisions.
  4. You’re just trying to get your way; you don’t care what I want. 
  5. You should’ve known to pass the message on to me as soon as I came in.
  6. You’re too rigid about political correctness.
  7. What a messy person you are, leaving the kitchen in this condition. 
  8. You’re reckless when it comes to money.
  9. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
  10. You shouldn’t feel that way; nobody else thinks of you as an outsider.

Final Tips for “I” Language

We must be clear and concise when communicating our boundary-setting intentions, as vagueness will only result in dismissal or misunderstanding.

Be assertive by being specific in what you say; this way, your message will be better received. Following these final tips for assertive communication and “I” Language is helpful:

  • Be specific
  • Be clear/direct
  • Be positive
  • Be collaborative

Summary

Setting boundaries is an integral part of any relationship.

It allows us to create a space where we feel safe, respected, and free to be ourselves. Learning to set boundaries begins with learning how to respect and honor ourselves.

Respecting and honoring ourselves means taking the time to explore what we need and want in a relationship. Once we clearly understand our own needs, we can communicate them to others.

To have healthy relationships, knowing how to set boundaries is essential.

Knowing how to set boundaries means we must take the time to determine our personal expectations and standards.

Once we understand that, we can communicate our needs to others using assertive communication and “I” statements when setting boundaries.

I’m still learning to make choices that aren’t perfect but are right for me.

Brene Brown

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

References

Barkley, S. (2021, October 25). 15 Kind Ways to Say No to People and Keep Your Sanity. Power of Positivity: Positive Thinking & Attitude. https://www.powerofpositivity.com/say-no-to-people/

Oroo, B. (2022, July 5). 70+ healthy boundaries quotes to help you define your bubble. Legit.ng – Nigeria News. https://www.legit.ng/ask-legit/quotes-messages/1476523-70-healthy-boundaries-quotes-define-bubble/

Self- Care

How to Set Boundaries as an Act of Self Love

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

Feeling overwhelmed? Set boundaries as an important practice of self-love with these actionable tips and strategies! Unlock a greater sense of peace and wellbeing today.

Table of contents

Honoring Our Authentic Self

It seems like someone is telling us we need to set boundaries everywhere we turn. But what does that even mean? And why are boundaries so important? How do we set boundaries?

Other people’s opinions can easily influence the choices we make in life. Sometimes, we bend to what will make others feel happy and loved rather than listening to what our heart tells us.

Holding back because of the opinions of others is harmful to our personal growth, personal development, and mental wellbeing.

The risk of always having a high regard for others’ needs first is we may find ourselves with mental health issues, low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, or unhealthy relationships.

Even worse, we may not recognize the person staring back at us in the bathroom mirror.

We engage in a healthy relationship with ourselves by staying true to our authentic selves.

Staying true to our authentic self means doing a daily practice of honoring and accepting what we want, need, and desire, despite outside pressure from others. Aligning with our authentic self is how we set boundaries.

Being in a Healthy State

It’s essential to be healthy and have a healthy relationship with ourselves first to experience life. We choose to be in a healthy state at any given moment.

We must choose to do so if we want to live a meaningful and fulfilling life. Being in a healthy state with ourselves is essentially embracing self love from a space of unconditional love.

Unconditional love is where we have a sense of self-worth, recognizing that our value is independent of external factors. Making this clear distinction between self and others is an essential first step in learning self love.

Setting boundaries is a form of self love. First, however, we must remember to set boundaries to respect ourselves – not to offend others.

By setting boundaries, we send the message that we value, respect, and love ourselves enough to put our needs first.

Self-love Means

Self love means loving ourselves enough to know we are worthy.

When we claim our worth, we understand what is best for ourselves and set boundaries to ensure we do everything necessary to protect our peace of mind.

Setting boundaries from a space of worthiness create strong foundations in our authentic ‘self.’ Hence, we make better choices for our lives.

For example, if your spouse or friends like staying out late and you need to be at work early in the morning, self love for you may mean ensuring you get enough sleep.

Other forms of self love include carving out time from a busy schedule for small things like face masks, listening to positive affirmations, or meditating in a state of appreciation.

Importance of Self-Love

Although it can be challenging, accepting, embracing, and loving ourselves is one of the most important things we can do in life.

It’s time, to be honest with ourselves about who we are, how we feel, and what we need.

We must stop beating ourselves up for everything we’re not and courageously start appreciating everything we are. And we need to remember that not everyone in our lives will always agree with us – but that’s okay.

It is when we do not think about how others will react to us; as a result, we act and do things out of love. As within, so without.

  • Self love is all about the conscious connection with yourself and others.
  • Self love is essential to happiness and a prerequisite to living a healthy and fulfilled life.

Without self love, we cannot love others; without self love, happiness remains elusive.

Be the Best Friend

It is so vital that we learn to be our own best friend. But unfortunately, we know how to be our own worst enemy without even realizing it.

We crave the love and acceptance of others but forget to give ourselves the same love, consideration, compassion, and attention.

We all have that one person in our lives who we can rely on no matter what-our best friend. However, sometimes we forget that we need to be our own best friend too.

If we don’t learn to be our own best friend, we can easily become our own worst enemies. We often seek the love of others while forgetting to love ourselves.

Seeking love from others can be a trap that leads to unhappiness.

Be Brave

We must realize that our most significant task is not finding self love but breaking down the barriers we have constructed against it.

When we are brave enough to push through these walls – to accept ourselves, despite our negative self-talk – we open the door to more compassionate, empathetic, and intimate relationships with others.

Through true self-love we commit to making positive changes in our lives and make healthy choices for ourselves.

If we always allow others to decide what we can handle, what we should and shouldn’t feel, and how we should react, we will never be able to stand as our own person.

Learning how to be my best friend has been the hardest of all the life lessons I have learned and re-learned over the years. But it is also the most important because I believe that nothing makes us more compassionate towards others than compassion towards ourselves.

And if we are not our own best friends, then who will be?

What is a Boundary?

Boundaries are what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable in your relationships with others.

They establish what’s allowed and what’s off-limits in your personal and professional life.

Boundaries are rules and limits we set to honor ourselves. They’re a part of being assertive.

The lines we draw around our thoughts, actions, behaviors, time, and space help us to maintain our boundaries and to have a healthy balance in life.

For example, suppose you don’t have any rules about how you communicate. In that case, you may find that you’re constantly feeling overwhelmed by how other people share with you.

Boundaries are a critical part of positive self-care. Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself and others that help you care for your emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing.

Boundaries help you feel safe within your own skin.

When you respect your boundaries, you are protecting yourself from other people’s unsolicited opinions and behaviors. You are also protecting yourself from transferring your feelings onto others.

Setting boundaries is an exercise in our true strengths and there are effective ways to approach establishing boundaries in our existing relationships.

Why are Boundaries Important?

We all have our boundaries. They protect us from getting hurt, both physically and emotionally.

And while it might seem like setting a boundary is simply about keeping other people out, it’s really about respecting and caring for ourselves.

Think of it this way: if you wouldn’t let somebody do something to your best friend, child, significant other, mother, etc., why would you allow them to do it to you?

Setting a boundary means saying that you matter just as much as anyone else does.

Boundaries and Values

Setting boundaries is a way of embracing what we value.

When we embrace what we value, we live from our values. We set boundaries to shield and honor our values.

For example, if you live from a value of commitment, then time, energy, and space are essential. When someone is repeatedly late or overstays their welcome, you would ultimately set a boundary and communicate that boundary to the other person. Thus living from your values of commitment, self-respect, self-discipline, freedom, etc. 

It’s essential to set boundaries to let a person know where we end and they begin. If they want or need more from us than we’re able or willing to give, it’s crucial to know that and set appropriate boundaries.

By setting boundaries, we safeguard ourselves from getting overwhelmed and spread too thin. In addition, when we have clear boundaries, we consciously live from our values.

Setting boundaries helps us feel self-confident and consciously engaged in our lives. They provide structure and help us manage our lives.

Besides setting boundaries with others, we also set boundaries with ourselves. We might want to do something we know is wrong or harmful, so we set a boundary as a way of living our values.

For example, I know eating a chocolate bar every day is not healthy. So, from a space of living my value of health, I restrict indulgence in chocolate bars to eating one Snickers a month.

How to Set Boundaries

Without boundaries, we can become overwhelmed and lose ourselves.

We all have different areas in our lives where we need to set boundaries. Whether it’s with our time, our energy, or how much we share with others, setting healthy boundaries is an integral part of taking care of ourselves.

It can be challenging to know where to start when it comes to setting boundaries. We might worry that we’ll offend someone, or they won’t understand why we need space. But the truth is, healthy boundary-setting starts with living from a value of respect for ourselves.

Setting boundaries gives us needed energy and space. However, to effectively set boundaries, we must permit ourselves to be honest.

Being honest and living from values of honesty and authenticity means being who we are without feeling guilty.

For example, telling someone, you don’t want to do something doesn’t make you a mean person. Instead, it means you need to spend your time and energy on other things.

One of the biggest struggles people have with setting boundaries is a fear of losing people in their lives because they’re honest with them.

We must put things out there, and it’s a risk—but it’s also a relief. It’s a relief, to be honest about what we need to feel good about ourselves.

Living from a value of personal fulfillment or self-expression is liberating.

Preparing to Set Boundaries

Preparing ourselves to set boundaries is a great way to build confidence.

Preparing starts with creating space for ourselves. Creating space for ourselves is a powerful tool and includes preparing to live from our values consciously.

When setting boundaries with others, preparing before talking with the other person is a good thing. The best way to prepare is to first set aside enough time to set goals and take care of your own needs. 

These simple steps are a great resource.

Step One

Be honest with yourself. Commit to jot down ideas, journal, and mind map what you think and feel about the relationship. You can ask yourself,

  • What am I thinking and feeling about my role in the relationship?
  • How am I consciously living from my values?
  • Where am I not consciously living from my values?
  • What am I thinking and feeling about the other person’s role in the relationship?
  • What do I need?

Be honest about how you see the relationship and your role in it.

Take the time to flush this out and be sure that the information you want to focus on relates to the boundary you will set and not on blaming or attacking the other person.

Setting boundaries is about our needs, not about what the other person will think or how they will feel. It is always important to be kind.

Step Two

Give yourself space and time to think through what you will say and then say them out loud.

Then, practice how you will set your boundaries with other people.

For example, you can speak your truth while driving in your car, in the shower, or in front of the bathroom mirror. Whatever you need to do to say the words out loud will help you to build confidence in setting boundaries.

My strategy is to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and talk through it like I am talking to the other person. It feels awkward and uncomfortable at first, but once you create space for yourself to practice saying things that are difficult for you to say out loud, it becomes easier.

It becomes easier because you can safely speak your truth. You can speak your truth and focus on the needed compassion for yourself—this is self love.

Step Three

Establish a time and a place to discuss with the other person.

When you feel prepared to set a boundary with another person, communicate. Let the other person know there are some key things you would like to discuss with them.

When we feel hurt, frustrated, or fearful, we often retreat until we feel ready to emerge again. Sometimes we think it is not worth discussing, or we may have blown things out of proportion because of a bad day, and we abandon the reality that boundaries are necessary.

We must hold our power. Please don’t give it away. Setting boundaries is healthy and necessary for a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.

Healthy relationships require communication and boundaries. Each person must be respected in order to maintain a healthy tone in the relationship. Respect is how we create space for everyone to express their truth.

You can express your desire to discuss the relationship with the other person by asking when would be a good time for them.

You should make it clear that you need to talk soon, but be patient and understand that the other person needs time too.

Summary

Setting boundaries is an act of self love.

When we set boundaries, we live our values from a space of worthiness.

Through asserting our boundaries consistently, we consciously manage our lives, taking a significant step toward a healthier, happier relationship with ourselves and the world around us.

Our boundaries keep us from doing things that we regret or could hurt us in the long run.

They are our safety net; if we plan to live a healthy and happy life, we must respect them.

It takes effort and courage to set boundaries, but ultimately the payoff is worth it.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

Travel

How Rough Roads Lead Us to Beautiful Destinations

Estimated reading time: 22 minutes

Navigating rough roads is challenging, but they often lead us to beautiful destinations.

This timeless wisdom profoundly impacts our lives, and this post will discuss how we can use it to help us find purpose and beauty in life’s darkest moments.

Table of contents

Value the Journey

Even when our rough roads appear discouraging, we should focus on finding value in the journey.

Every experience along the way offers an opportunity for personal growth, learning new skills, and discovering strengths we didn’t know we had.

This personal growth is especially true when facing hardships.

When we grow to a space of valuing hardships we discover rather than feeling discouraged and downhearted, we learn from every experience.

It’s important to take time to appreciate what you have learned and how you have grown as a result of your perseverance.

Embrace Challenges

Even when facing challenges, recognize them as an opportunity to grow and meet them with courage.

Facing a challenge is often daunting, but it enables you to develop mental and emotional strength, deepen your resilience, and expand your capacity for joy.

In addition, embracing difficult moments encourages greater self-improvement to create positive changes in your life to positively impact others.

Resilience Paves the Road Ahead

Resilience is the ability to overcome difficult situations and adapt to change.

With courage and faith, it’s possible to cultivate a sense of security and hope even while facing struggles.

A resilient mindset helps you tolerate distress, persevere even when things get tough, and understand that adversity can be a stepping stone toward personal growth and opportunity.

In addition, developing resilience creates an outlook where you seek out difficulties to challenge yourself for more extraordinary achievements.

Adapt to Change with Grace

Life’s rough roads teach us to adapt with grace and patience while maintaining optimism amid uncertainty.

The more we understand our vulnerabilities, needs, and sources of strength, the better we realign our course and navigate life’s obstacles.

It takes courage to open your mind and heart to new understandings of yourself and the world around you.

However, embracing change brings moments of growth, enlightenment, and beauty that might not have been achieved by staying within your comfort zone.

Appreciate Every Step of the Way

Remember to take the time to appreciate each step of the journey, no matter how hard it may seem.

The more you look out for moments of joy, satisfaction, and connection with yourself and others, the lighter the weight on your shoulders will become.

What might seem like a hindrance initially leads to a newfound passion, newfound friends, or newfound understanding.

So don’t give up too soon!

My Story

Moving is stressful. Choosing to move between provinces in a foreign country makes the move become a journey and a memorable life experience.

My decision to move provinces and jobs in China came on the days leading to a special day, July 15th.

This day is the anniversary of my dad departing this life for the next in 2009.

So, this anniversary is the perfect day to share my story about achieving self-love and coming home to myself.

Right Time

The lessons I learned when settling into my new home changed me. I feel like this move was a transition point in my life where, in the process, at the right place and the right time, I settled into myself.

Things started to shift around me and I had an eerie feeling that I became aligned with divine timing.

Good things happened in a magical way. I felt positive energy enveloping me and I had better health than I have had in a long time.

New ideas emerged with the right timing and I believe this was a result of the law of attraction.

Inner Peace

Positive thinking, once slated in my journal as a daily task, was now part of my daily practice.

With this move, I felt in control of my life. Life had a better plan for me and the inner work to get to this point brought me a sense of inner peace with the challenges I faced moving between provinces in a foreign land.

Focus

The best thing was that I felt my guardian angels and spirit guides with me for my highest good as I navigated new territory in China.

I knew I was on the right path and with my trust in divine timing, I overcame challenges and turned them into opportunities.

The path of least resistance was not an option with this move. My goal was to align with my deepest desires to live in a tropical location where I could be on the beach every day.

The inconveniences and unexpected events became irrelevant as I focused on my higher self, divine energy, and self love.

Right Path

Once the dust settled after my move, I had time to decompress and set the stage to rebuild my life with new things.

In my reflections in my gratitude journal about this experience, I decided manifestation works and no matter how much we panic, rush, and push, the universe’s timing will always prevail.

Better Plan

This move was a profound lesson in self-love.

Learning about the art of letting go was reinforced and the key takeaways for you are:

  • with hard work, you can learn to face the uncomfortable areas of your life
  • bigger things will be presented to you at the right moment
  • there is a divine plan for you to step into your power and take control of your life
  • divine forces will intervene in your life with perfect timing to help with your manifestation work

My Background

To give you context, I was born and raised in a tourist location in northern Saskatchewan, Canada, and raised my family in a small town in southern Alberta, Canada.

I moved to Beijing, China, in 2019 and soon discovered living in the big city was not my natural habitat, and I needed to make a change.

Beijing is known as the ‘city of foreigners’ and a beautiful city.

Living there, though, was not the life for me.

Nevertheless, I highly recommend anyone to visit this historical city, and I will plan to return to Beijing for short tourist stays over the holidays in the future. 

Enjoying an art walk in Beijing with my boss and friend, Emily.

Deciding to Move

When I moved to Beijing in 2019, I was excited and eager to learn about big city life.

However, this excitement soon faded and turned into a feeling like I was in a cage.

I had been in Beijing for seven months. Nineteen weeks of those seven months I spent in isolation in my apartment. I would go out once a week for one hour to collect supplies and groceries. 

Leaving Canada for Beijing, China in 2019.

Although isolation time was situational, I knew I needed a change of environment, and moving from the big city was the first change I needed to make for myself. 

Listening to the Signs

I heard about Hainan in south China. Known as the ‘Hawaii of Asia,’ I started researching the island, teaching job opportunities, and quality of life.

After a few discussions with my Chinese language teacher, colleagues, and friends, I made a short visit from July 15th to July 19th, 2020, to check it out and meet with a prospective employer and landlord.

My holiday in Hainan was a breath of fresh air. Being in a city where I could freely walk around, go to the beach and the swimming pool, and enjoy the outdoors was like a dream come true.

I decided I would return to Beijing and immediately plan my move. 

City view of Haikou, Hainan, China

Rough Roads Ahead: Departure from Beijing

This is a journey like none other I have experienced for sure.

I arrived in Hainan on August 3rd, 2020. Leaving my apartment at 3 am to head to the airport, I arrived at 4:30 am and discovered my flight was cancelled.

After navigating through a Chinese app to cancel my first flight and re-book another, I found an 8:20 am flight, BUT it was at another airport located two hours away. 

I considered going back to my apartment and leaving later in the week. But, in consideration, my heart screamed, “NO! You have come this far; you are packed and here and ready to go. You must try your best to make this work for this morning.”

So, I hailed a taxi, and he told me we would never make it in time as it was already 5:45 am and morning traffic was a deadlock in Beijing.

I insisted, and he agreed to take me. It was a wild ride!

Trusting Divine Timing

We arrived at the other airport at 6:55 am, and I checked my luggage and made it to my gate with eight minutes to spare.

By the time we boarded the plane, I was unravelling and exhausted as I had not slept for twenty-five hours while I finished the last few items on my checklist before leaving Beijing.

One of the items on my list included getting the COVID-19 nucleic acid test and the results before I flew.

Although this was not a requirement, I felt it was the best thing to do to have all the necessary paperwork for traveling between provinces. 

Traveling the Rough Road: Arrival in Hainan

I arrived in Hainan at noon, and when I got in the taxi to the hotel, I felt like life had beaten my body.

I was vulnerable, weepy, and exhausted. I immediately called Molly, my youngest daughter, and cried while we talked on FaceTime.

Divine Intervention

After our short call for me to let her know I had arrived safely, I hung up the phone, and the taxi driver asked me where my hometown was. So, I told him, and I wiped my tears, embarrassed that I could not get them to stop.

Suddenly, he started asking me other questions, and I would answer in Chinese. Feeling agitated and like crawling into a hole, I told him in Chinese 我会受寒月瘦不太好 (“I don’t speak Chinese very good”).

He started laughing and pumped his fist in the air, and yelled 你会受寒月瘦很好！ (“You speak Chinese good!”). He kept yelling and pumping his fist while he smiled and nodded at me in the rearview mirror.

I started laughing through my tears and pumped my fist in the air, and yelled 我会受寒月瘦很好! (“I speak Chinese good!”).

We did this a few more times until I laughed instead of crying. Talking and laughing on our trip to the hotel, we both randomly repeated what we had just said while yelling and pumping our fists into the air. 

When getting out of the taxi, I thanked him and had a profound feeling my ancestors and the Universe had responded to my heart crying out in fear.

He was a gift, and I am grateful for the compassion, kindness, and love he showed me. I am also grateful for my Chinese teacher and her patience and understanding while I learned the language.

Leaving the taxi, I felt connected to the world around me, and having a human connection at this moment was the affirmation I was on the right road. 

Settling in at the Hotel

Once in the room, I showered and fell into bed for a deep four-hour sleep before teaching online classes.

After classes, I went to the sea to meditate, pick flowers, and breathe fresh air.

Then, feeling contentment for the day, I returned to my room, had a long hot bath in the glorious tub, and fell into bed again. 

Rough Roads: Day 1

The next day I found my way to meet my new boss at my new apartment to get my keys and other details sorted.

After she left, I looked around at the space that was not prepared for me and felt a heavy sense of overwhelming dread. It was appalling. Filthy really. The items meant to be completed by my arrival were not, and after walking around and taking inventory, I gave up and decided cleaning my apartment was for another day.

I returned to the hotel, went to sea for a swim, and mediated. Then I ate a satisfying meal and napped before teaching online classes.

In the evening, I talked to some friends on FaceTime and slept early. 

Happy to have the key to my new home in Hainan, China.

Rough Roads: Day 2

In the morning, I packed up my things and made my way to my apartment early so I could start cleaning out the garbage and broken furniture before classes began again in the early evening.

My shipment of things from Beijing had not arrived yet, but I had brought one blanket, pillow, and towel just in case. It was enough.

I started to haul out the garbage from the cupboards, closets, and living space; that was all I could do on Day 1. 

My first night concluded with me realizing while I sat in my window box that I had not seen the stars since being in Canada.

So, I sat for a few hours, watched the clouds and stars, and listened to the silence. It warmed me, and I felt excitement for the next day to continue cleaning and sorting out my new home. 

Revelations at the Window

I had lived in a few places since selling the ranch, our family home, two years prior, but I had not had a home.

So, sitting watching the stars, I made a choice. I decided this new place would be my home, our home for my family and friends to visit, and where my co-creator and I would begin our journey together. I was sure I would find him in Hainan. 

Committed to always choosing love, and choosing this place as my home, filled me with an abundance of much-needed love.

Rough Roads: Day 3

I woke up to a beautiful tropical rainfall and immediately opened the windows to enjoy my delivered coffee and breakfast.

I worried about 盼盼, my cat. He was still at the vet in Beijing, and they would ship him out in three days.

He needed his sterilization surgery and vaccinations before travel, so he stayed behind while I set up our new home. 

The vet assistants sent me morning and evening pictures and videos, and I longed to play mousey and cuddle him.

So, to ease the loneliness, I cleaned and continued preparing our home for his arrival. 

Moving Forward

After breakfast, the landlord removed the furniture I didn’t want.

I immediately got online and ordered a sectional couch, a dining room set, and other furniture pieces that are must-haves for my home. I then decided I needed help with the daunting cleaning task, so I went out to find an 阿姨 (Ayi- House Mama).

I came home satisfied with two helpers booked for Sunday. Now, I could do what I had planned and prepare for what the three of us would do in four days. 

Rough Roads: Day 4

It was Friday night, and I needed supplies.

I went to the Wal-Mart-like supermarket to get everything I would need to bleach this place from floor to ceiling.

I came home and unpacked, and when I was putting cleaning items in the kitchen, I saw something move from the corner of my eye. It was an enormous cockroach.

At this moment, I started to think about my life choices seriously. I shut the kitchen door and locked it. Don’t judge.

The cockroaches here have tattoos, drink whiskey, and smoke cigarettes. 

Rough Roads: Day 5

Throughout the night, I slept with one eye open, and in the morning, when the landlord came to get the last broken furniture, I asked him about the cockroaches.

He said they were all over the island. Skeptical about his dismissive response, I reached out to a few more people who live here and have visited here, and they confirmed that all buildings on the island have cockroaches. They say it comes with the territory of living in South China.

I decided it could be worse. My friend is in Thailand, and he told me that he slept with the toilet seat down and his luggage on top of the toilet seat because the snakes like the plumbing system. 

I will say, though, that I soon discovered the cockroaches here are confident, territorial, and assertive. They are the size of African rats and could care less if you are in a standoff with them holding the spray can of insecticide. Their confidence may be because of my shaky hand, and they do not believe I will pull the trigger. 

I had to come to terms with co-habituating and creating a space that was not desirable for them to frequent my home. Ayis told me what to buy for poison and spray, and the kitchen was a minefield.

Rough Roads: Day 6

盼盼 arrived safe and sound and on schedule at noon.

He is quite the Beijing Street Kitty, you know. He has his passport and even his plane ticket and carry-on.

A little shaken up, he was happy to reunite with me, and once we were home from the airport, he had a very long bath. He then enjoyed his favorite foods and treats, followed by cuddling, dancing, and love.

We are both happier together. 

Rough Roads: Day 7

My friend, who owns the only authentic Japanese restaurant in Hainan, invited me for dinner.

To my surprise, he had his chefs prepare me an extraordinary meal; it was his opening night for live music and karaoke. 

Traditional Japanese dish in Hainan, China.

He is the president of the chamber of commerce here, and he invited all his friends and colleagues to celebrate. I met many new friends, and we all had a wonderful time eating, singing, talking, and sharing. 

Again, I am so grateful for the Chinese lessons. I am also grateful for my move here from Beijing. I met more people here socially in two weeks than I had met in Beijing in seven months. Likely due to the COVID-19 situation.

However, the people here are open, friendly, and curious, as few foreigners live here. Each day, many people will pull over their e-bikes or vehicles, stop to ask me where I am from, and visit for a few minutes.

They take it as a great compliment when I tell them 海口人很高兴 (“Haikou people are happy).” 

Rough Roads: Day 8

Two of my new friends invited me out to the yacht club.

The driver picked me up and took me to the most scenic place in our city. We enjoyed more great food, drinks, laughing, and sharing. My heart is whole.

Recognize Your Beautiful Destination

Coming home to yourself and feeling a state of appreciation in your own skin is your beautiful destination. You will recognize it when you see it!

Here are some signs of a beautiful destination:

  • Feeling settled with where you are at in life.
  • Claiming your independence.
  • Settling into your personal self.
  • Continuing to learn about your assets.
  • Doing the necessary work to heal.
  • Living life to its fullest.

Beautiful Destination: Feeling Settled

The first week was all cleaning.

After a full day with two Ayis as planned, we cleaned out most of the nastiness, and it started to resemble the home I pictured in my heart.

My new furniture and other items I had ordered started to arrive. I put my bedroom together first. Then the spare room and office, the bathroom, the sunroom, and part of the living room and dining room slowly started to take shape.

Each day, bit by bit, between teaching online classes, it began to feel like home. 盼盼 and I created a routine, and he was delighted to have such a large space to roam around and cat.

Beautiful Destination: Reclaiming My Independence

After my home was all settled, I decided it was time to start venturing into the community.

But first, I needed to make one last major purchase to reclaim my independence. I purchased an e-bike! I never realized how much this would mean for me and my self-confidence while living abroad. 

Back Story

During my last five months in Canada, I sold or re-homed everything that wouldn’t fit into two suitcases and a carry-on.

I lived in Airbnb and my soul-sister Cayleigh’s rental for five months before I left Canada. I also sold my F-150 and have relied on public transportation in Canada and China. 

With so many changes in my life up until my move to China, I realized I had not had a vehicle of my own to drive since I was 16 years old.

Facing My Fears

Truth be told, when I was going by taxi to pick up my e-bike, I felt nauseous with vulnerability.

It felt like I had been living in a sanitized bubble of little responsibility other than responsibility for myself for the past year and a half.

My first ebike. I was SO proud of myself with this purchase.

Finally, I was venturing outside of my comfort zone into unknown territory. 

The salesman asked me if I had ridden a motorbike before. I told him I did when I was a kid, but I know how to ride a horse, so it cannot be that different!

My horse Nicholas only walked when he wanted to, and it took beer and apple fritter Timbits from Tim Horton’s to motivate him to move.

My horse Nicholas was my ginger love in Canada.

Finally, I was ready for the open road after a quick lesson and a few test runs. 

Beautiful Destination: Newfound Independence

Equipped with my helmet and rain suit, I was ready to make my journey home.

Unfortunately, we had a downpour that day, and the roads flooded. Not the best maiden voyage, but I managed okay. 

After the first five minutes, I started to feel my independence return as it relates to having my own transportation and the freedom that comes with it. I began to laugh. The few giggles turned into uninhibited and uncontrollable belly laughter.

Thinking back to my conversation with the taxi driver when I first arrived in Hainan, I pumped my fist up in the air and yelled, “Suzanne! You are driving your very own e-bike!” I laughed out loud while I rode home *beep *beeping along the way as I learned the road rules for e-bike drivers. 

Believe me. I give the local citizens many reasons to think foreigners are crazy on any given day. Laughing out loud in public was nothing new for me.

What was new was the refreshing experience of being in control of where I go, my route for getting there, how long it would be before I got there, and how much I enjoy the ride along the way.

Beautiful Destination: Settling into Myself

After my first week, I took myself to the mall down the street and enjoyed an Americano in the sunshine.

While enjoying a hot cup of coffee on a hot day, I reflected upon my journey to Hainan. In particular, I reflected on my journey over the previous two years and, most notably, the recent nine months since I arrived in China.

Journalling, I poured it all out of me. Things became clearer as I saw them on paper. Creating a new home physically brought me back home to me spiritually. 

This sign is posted on a building on the way to the mall where I would sit and journal.

Summary

I revisit my journals often. Reflecting on my notes following the first two weeks of my move to Hainan, my learning is reinforced as I am reminded of the experiences with heartfelt words about my reflection, learning, healing, and living. 

Reflection on How Rough Roads Lead to Beautiful Destinations

Rough roads are necessary in life to return home to ourselves.

Here are key takeaways from my experience:

  • Cleaning out the broken furniture and rubbage from my new apartment was cathartic.
  • Washing the walls, floor, and everything else in between was cleansing.
  • Revisiting the stars was revealing.
  • Reuniting with my fur baby was heartwarming.
  • Eradicating the unwanted in my space that brought no value to my life was symbolic.
  • Keeping only what I wanted and needed was refreshing. 

Learning from Traveling the Rough Roads

Aside from our most significant assets of health and love, within and without, I have a comprehensive cockroach management plan in place that works, my own transportation, beautiful scenic views all around me, and a wide-open sky above me.

My family has grown, and I am now sharing space with my co-creator, a foreigner, and another fur baby, Cathy, our golden retriever.

With a heart overflowing with joy, and an attitude of gratitude, I am grateful for traveling the rough road to arrive at this beautiful destination. 

Life is good in our little family.

Healing from the Journey

By engaging personal power through healing and doing, we manifest our hearts’ greatest desires by doing the work to brighten the light within. 

In my darkest moments traveling the rough roads, it became clear to me that to receive the abundance in our lives we desire, we must be willing to live abundantly facing outward.

Living from the inside out starts with filling ourselves up with the things we can only provide for ourselves to make our light brighter.

Then, we share our light and abundance with others. 

Living in Beautiful Places

Coming to terms with the sacrifices we must make to live the life we are destined for is essential to living a fulfilled life.

Activating courage is a matter of the heart, and to live courageously, we must open our hearts and take risks of having our hearts broken at any given moment. 

In my time of isolation and my moving experience, I have learned: 

  • freedom is a state of mind
  • loneliness is a choice
  • the sky is not the limit

Creating a daily practice to make conscious decisions helps us on the rough roads by:

  • aligning to our personal truth ascends us to unimaginable heights
  • self-love through meditation and speaking my truth frees us from our negative self-talk
  • creating light within shines brighter without 
  • we manifest anything we want in this life

Today, I am grateful for everything I have experienced and learned over the past four years, from heartache to heart bliss, including the experience of moving between cities in China. 

Choosing love has helped me embrace this journey of life and see the challenges I face as opportunities.

But, most of all, I have learned that the roughest roads lead us to the most beautiful destinations. 

Thanks for reading my story about personal growth through my moving experience in China.

Until next time,

Suzanne

Further Reading

7 Signs of Divine Timing Working in Your Life – OutofStress

The Five Universal Rules of Divine Timing (Discover the Truth)

Divine Timing Means You’ll Never Be too Late for Your Destiny

Self- Care

How to End Emotional Hurdles on Your Path to Feeling Worthy of Love

Estimated reading time: 11 minutes

It is important to remember you are worthy of love. This includes self-love and loving and accepting who we are, just as we are.

Despite our flaws or the mistakes that we might have made, it’s essential to recognize that we all deserve love without judgment or condition.

This blog post shares how to break free from negative self-talk and build positive energy to help you truly believe in yourself as a deserving person worthy of love.

Table of contents

Background

On my own self-love journey, I spent a significant amount of alone time reflecting on past mistakes.

I soon realized I lived in a place of a lack of self-love. I suffered from low self-esteem and engaged in negative self-talk and negative thoughts. I had a mean inner critic and wanted a better life.

People Pleaser

I was a people pleaser and had high regard for others’ needs instead of my own needs. My entire life loving others first often landed me in a toxic relationship with a friend, a colleague, a marriage for 25 years, and even a new lover after my divorce.

I desired higher self-esteem and higher levels of self-worth. I was exhausted from carrying around negative emotions about myself.

Taking the First Step

In 2002, I stepped way outside of my comfort zone and made my first appointment with a clinical psychologist.

I am a believer in having an impartial third party to help you unpack your narrative to make sense of any potential negative events in your life and your subconscious mind.

During this important step in my personal growth, I discovered developing a solid relationship with my psychologist was much better for my mental health in the long run than talking to family members and my closest friends.

Finding a good fit for someone to help me with hard times and self-esteem issues was the first step leading me to over two decades of self-love.

Discovery

Twenty years later, I feel connected to my true self and feel like I have an intimate understanding of the concept of self-love.

I am responsible for my own happiness and I feel like I have unpacked the meaning of unconditional love.

I am grateful beyond words for discovering how to be my own best friend, the loving relationships, the healthy relationships, and the good people in my life.

How Do You Learn To Love Yourself?

This six-step process will get you started with recognizing your uniqueness, your passions, and how you are worthy of love:

  • Discover your values.
  • Live your values.
  • Choose your tribe.
  • Keep good people in your life.
  • Have fun!
  • Reignite your passions.

Build Context for Your Experiences

What a journey these past few years have been. Five full years since I ended life as I knew it and ventured on a new journey for me.

There have been many ups and downs and I feel like I am in a space of transition and re-balancing again. I also think it’s time I stop using that change in my life as a reference point for where I am and who I have become.  

Someone once told me a parable that resonated with me, and up until now it has been in the back of my mind but makes sense today as I share it with you.  

Parable

There once was a man who decided he wanted to change his life. He sat in his beautiful home and counted his degrees and awards and collection of books and personal possessions with a mix of pride and sorrow.

He had achieved many successes at work and in life, yet he didn’t feel successful. He knew he wanted to become someone different, but he didn’t know how or where to start his journey to becoming.


Each night he tossed and turned and mulled over potential ideas in his head. One night he decided he would leave it all and embark on a journey of self-discovery.


He dispersed all his worldly possessions, only keeping one loincloth. He booked a ticket to the most remote of places where he planned to immerse in meditation and self-discovery. 


It was a long journey. He spent the first year learning how to meditate in such a way as to turn his mind off and feel his body. In the second year, he felt like he was well on his way to mastering meditation and peaceful life. He was healthier, stronger, calmer, and happier.


One day, in the third year, he was washing his loincloth at the well and a rat jumped out from behind the bucket, grabbed the man’s only possession, his loincloth, and ran in the opposite direction.

The man, distraught, chased the rat and managed to retrieve his loincloth. When he inspected his loincloth, he noticed the rat had ripped it. Devastated with the damage, the man sat down and sobbed. 


“Why did this happen to me?’ he pleaded.


“How could that rat destroy my one and only possession?” he cried.


“Give me a sign! I need to know if I am on the right path to fulfillment!” He begged.


When he finished crying and felt calmer, he decided to meditate so he could feel grounded and centred in his body once again. Walking back to his house, he had an idea.


“I know! I will get a cat to kill the rat. This will ensure my loincloth will be protected from further harm.”


So, the man set off into town and found a kitten. He brought the kitten home and after a few days he thought, “I need to have milk for the kitten.”

This is when he decided he would get a cow for milk for the cat to eat so the cat can kill the rat. 


Looking around, the man saw the vast area he had available for his cow, and he thought, “One cow? I can get a herd of cows then I will have milk to feed the cat who will kill the rat and milk and meat for me.”


The man, now having a whole herd of cows decided he needed to hire help to manage the cows.

He had little time to meditate and was feeling more and more agitated each day with his workload. So, the man found local people who wanted to work for him, but because they would have to travel a long distance to his remote location, they would need to ensure he would provide lunch to them.

The man hired more help to make lunches for the workers who tended the cows for the milk and the meat to feed the cat who would kill the rat. 

Author Unknown

This parable left me with so many questions about how to live a fulfilled life including, how to feel worthy of love.

Intellectually I get that living a fulfilled life is dependent on our own individual values and needs. Our ideas about whom we want to become.

Bottom line, this parable sent me into a minor, yet impactful, existential crisis. 

Dig into Your History to Uncover Patterns

I left Lethbridge, Alberta Canada with two suitcases and a carry-on four years ago. I have kept a small storage container with four Rubbermaid totes filled with documents, family heirlooms, and a few mementos I couldn’t part with at the time. 

Four years later, I have a cat. Why does it always start with a cat? I have a life partner, we have a dog, an apartment, two e-bikes, electronics, a rice cooker, a slow cooker, a toaster oven, a blender, Tupperware, and now a deep freeze. Yes, we now have a deep freeze.

I thought about the man and thought about his dilemma when his loincloth was damaged and contemplated how, no matter how far we travel in body and spirit, we cycle back to a similar state of being.

The following outlines my discoveries through personal reflection.

To Feel Worthy of Love, Values Matter

When we live in a state of being aligned with our values, we are clear on who we are and what we want.

In my case, it took me four years to uncover my own core values that are my platform for why I do what I do and who I want to become. 

When I feel a ‘rub.’ Do you know what I mean? When we are asked to do something or are in a situation and feel sensations that tell us we are not where we are supposed to be. Exactly, a ‘rub.’

When I feel a ‘rub’ I simply say to myself, “gratitude, authenticity, compassion, and courage”. Honestly, it is usually authenticity where the rub gets more intense. This is a trigger point for me.

When I am in a situation where the rub calls to my attention that I am not being authentic at that moment, I hear the rub, honour the rub, realign, and rely on compassion and courage to get me out of the situation. Later is when I lean on gratitude for thanks.

This is an example of how we live our values.

You need a process, something tangible you can do to bring your values to the forefront of your mind and life.

I look at my values like four separate entities, all unique, all significant, and all necessary for me to feel I am aligned with where I am going. 

Living My Values

I’ve created a mantra I use when I am smudging and praying. This is what I call “My Soul Fire.”

Starting at my physical state, then emotions, mind, and spirit, I define who I strive to become each day through my values.

Uncovering your core values is a load of work, but well worth the effort.

I turned to a few sources to unwrap my layers to get to the reason why my feet hit the ground each day.

I believe I have been put on this earth to raise women. Beginning with the sacred source, mother earth, and returning to mother earth, I will work to do my part to make a difference in this life. 

Here is a resource to help you get context around living from your values:

Living into our Values by Brene Brown

Brene Brown did a podcast episode on this topic and also has a worksheet you can do while listening to the podcast. I found it immensely helpful in uncovering my values.

To Feel Worthy of Love, Tribe Matters

Who is your tribe? Who are your people?

Yes, we all have people who are there when we are in a bind, but who are the people who will ask you the tough questions about how you got in the bind? Or ask you why you find yourself in a similar bind? Ouch.

These are your tribespeople who will help you to realign when you need it.

We all have relationships in the peripheral we go to for whatever need we need to be met, but it’s our tribe who will guide us through this life.

The people we trust, wholeheartedly, and whom we love unconditionally.

We are free to be whoever we want to be, and they respond with, “this is Suzanne, she is a flower today”. To which I respond, “tomorrow I want to be a _____.”

Friend Up

I used to tell my children and students to always ‘friend up’.

Friending up is finding the people who are doing what you strive to do or become and then aligning with them. I used to tell my students every semester, “find the smartest person in this class and be their group mate.”

They would laugh and halfway through the semester they would figure it out and align themselves accordingly.

Look for the people who are doing what you want to do, what you want to learn, and striving at what you hope to become. These are the people who will influence your choices, your mindset, and your fulfillment.

The mentors, the teachers, the coaches, the people who don’t work for these titles at a job but live these titles each day.

Look around you, take inventory, have conversations, and lean into who you are and who you want to become tomorrow.

I once read somewhere that if you tally up the 10 closest people to you, their characteristics, their habits, and their attitudes, you don’t need a magic ball to predict what your life will be like in 10 years.

This will land however it lands, based on wherever you are, and with whoever is around you.

Personal Reflection

Circling back to the man, I had a moment in the Master of Education program I just completed where I realized there were several members of my cohort who were nailing our assignments out of the park!

I lost my desire to thrive, to read journal articles, to research, and was counting the hours until we were done.

It was these people who went the extra mile for me by taking my calls, responding to my questions, sending me resources, and one time, adding me as a group member knowing I would contribute very little due to circumstances outside of my control.

I friended up and the learning was incredible.

They took the time to explain concepts to me in a way that made sense and I am forever grateful.

Ironically, but not surprisingly, I friended up in my first Master of Arts program in 2007 and had the same result.

We crushed through our thesis work and came out of it stronger individually and collectively. I now have a lifetime friend who continues to demonstrate her excellence through her NGO work around the world.

Please, friend up. 

To Feel Worthy of Love, Fun Matters

To live a fulfilled life, I believe we need to embrace our inner child.

Remember when we used to dream and think about what we would do with our lives?

I remember a time when I wanted to be a journalist. I grew up watching CBC documentaries and CBC National News and thought about the exciting lives the journalists and reporters lived.

Writing, working and traveling around the world to places I had only seen in an encyclopedia or on a world globe. They seriously looked so cool!

I also enjoyed bubbles, Lego, painting, singing, swimming, and the outdoors. I lost track of these things over the years.

Sometimes I didn’t feel like I had the time, passion, interest, or talent anymore. I believed doing grown-up things was all that mattered.

Work, parent, cook, clean, shop, find Tupperware lids, pair socks, rinse, and repeat. I have learned.

Now, we only have the sandwich set of 4 Tupperware, so it is much easier to pair lids. And truthfully, most of the time we are packing lunches or leftovers with mixed lids. Who am I?

Re-Ignite Your Passion

Since my time of rediscovery, I have dabbled and then immersed in some forgotten passions and discovered some new passions.

I think all adults lose the things they used to enjoy over time. It is up to each of us to take the needed time to uncover our individual interests.

Always living our values and honoring our role as tribespeople, it is important for us to reconnect with our inner child and pick up where we may have left off and adjust accordingly. 

Blogging is my way of feeding the passions I still have from my youth in journalism.

My new venture of writing children’s books is another way to fuel my passions. It is also a way for me to reconnect with my own inner child by diving into my characters, feeling their experiences, and creating the context of reality in the stories.

Aligned with my belief to do my part to make a difference for women in this life, I enjoy asking myself what my characters would say or do.

Fun is Freedom

There is freedom when fun matters.

Freedom to do what you want, with whomever you want, or by yourself, wherever you choose.

On my birthday this year, I went to the flower market and picked stems of my favorite flowers. Meeting my friend for lunch, a tribemate, I packed wire and ribbon, scissors, and picks.

When we were done lunch, I pulled out the craft items and told her I wanted to make myself a flower crown.

We both immediately got to work and put together a beautiful crown and shared a memorable experience.

That night, we all went out to dance and sing the night away and yes, there were bubbles. LOTS of bubbles! I took bubbles when we were out, and we had a blast!

February 12th, 2022 in Hainan, China.

Weekend Movie Making

Last weekend Murphy and I joined our friend and my colleague with his family at a hotel out of town.

We spent two days by the pool with a complete loss of time and responsibilities.

We played ball, then frisbee then decided we would make a movie. Keran is talented at movie making, he is making movies with his children and family for their own entertainment and memories.

So, we scripted our roles and let ourselves go to have fun, be silly, and create lasting memories.

I will say it is cheesier than the cheesiest cheese and we cringed when we watched it, but damn! It was fun!

Fun matters people. Now please, go have fun.

Summary

The parable taught me a valuable lesson about feeling worthy of love.

It’s not what we have or how much that influences our desire to feel we are living a fulfilled life, but what we do with what we have to live a fulfilled life feeling worthy of love.

Living. It comes down to living. 

I believe for me to feel like I am living a fulfilled life, I need three key ingredients: values, tribe, and fun. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time,

Suzanne

Personal Growth

Self-Love Transforms Us to Become Love

Estimated reading time: 18 minutes

What does self-love mean?

It’s about understanding your own needs, acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses, and developing an unshakeable core of acceptance and appreciation for who you are.

Self-love is the practice of taking time in your day to make sure YOU are taken care of, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. This takes the form of engaging in activities that make you feel good such as exercise, meditating, or treating yourself with grace and kindness.

This blog post shares my story of coming home to myself by discovering what self-love means.

You’ll discover the first steps to living an inspired life in a state of appreciation for your authentic self.

Table of contents

How to Start a Self-Love Journey

We read about self-love inspiration on self-care blogs and social media without really thinking about what it feels like in practice.

Positive affirmations from authoritative resources about personal development, personal growth, and mental wellbeing with images of people who seemed to have figured out the secret to life flood our feeds.

In these posts, we see the outcomes of people who have learned how to make better choices to become a better person and live a better life.

The Urgency for Self-Love

Speaking for myself, there was a time when I would immerse myself in filling my feeds with new things like self-care ideas and the importance of self-love.

I set goals with strategies to overcome low self-esteem. Looking back, I was in such a state of panic I was convinced my goal of finding the right way to self-love needed to be achieved in a single day.

Finding Inspiration

One of my favorite messages in my feed was about how changing your life is one decision away. I would ask myself, “how?”

  • What is the best way to achieve a change of life?
  • What are the fastest and most effective ways to shift from low self-esteem to real self-love?

I was desperate to see myself in the bathroom mirror, embracing myself because I would finally know what self-love means.

Slowly, over time, I started to realize we are all on our own journey and true self-love comes from strong foundations of a state of being.

I learned how a daily practice including the simple steps to make positive changes in small things is a great place to start.

The first step is healthy choices.

If you’re making conscious choices for your well-being, you will see how we are always in the right place, at the right time, and with the right people.

How do you achieve self-love?

  1. choose healthy relationships
  2. choose your tribe consciously
  3. put yourself together
  4. lifelong learning
  5. choose love

Living abroad has created space and time to look at my life from a bird’s eye view. These are five key lessons I have learned in the past few years of my travel. Each lesson is embedded in choosing love for self and others:

Changing Your Life is One Decision Away 

We read inspirational memes and posts on social media daily without really thinking about what it feels like in practice. Changing your life is one decision away? How?

My soul sister, Karen, and I both decided at the same time in June 2019 that we were going to take massive action to change our lives.

Both unhappy with aspects of our lives and searching for how to live a fulfilled life, we discussed work, family, community, travel, and our life’s passions. At this very moment, both of us sitting together at Tim Horton’s in south Calgary, Alberta Canada she decided to move to her home in Ireland and I decided to move to China.

She boarded her plane in July and I boarded my plane in December. Not knowing what to expect, we both ventured into unknown territory, leaned on each other in the dark times, and celebrated our successes.

These were big moves with ripple effects throughout all of our relationships and experiences. Each of us felt resistance within and around us. We leaned on each other throughout our journeys abroad.

Choose Healthy Relationships

Changing your life is as simple as deciding what you will allow to flow into you.

Choosing healthy relationships and consistently setting healthy boundaries for yourself is something you can do today.

These are some things to start today:

  • choosing what food you will eat,
  • what movies you will watch,
  • what books you will read,
  • what activities you will participate in,
  • what music you will listen to,
  • how you will spend your money,
  • who you will spend your time with,
  • and so on.

We all have the potential to live our best life and to live to our fullest potential right where our feet land.

Balancing self and others in the relationships that mean the most to us begins with understanding our core values and setting healthy boundaries from that space. 

Self-Love Means Choosing You First

Choosing ourselves first, above all else is a form of self-love. I have learned we are all one decision away from changing our lives by making ourselves a priority.

Removing the things not bringing you joy, or wasting your time, energy, and resources helps you get focused on the life you want to live and who you want to become.

Making conscious choices for my desires helped me achieve more than I ever imagined in one year!

Last year I completed a Certificate in Project Management, completed a Master’s of Education (Teaching Multilingual Learners), wrote a children’s book, and settled into my new healed way of being by consciously choosing what flows in and what flows out of me and my life.

Things seem clearer and my future is focused. It’s a great space to live in.

Self-Love Means Choosing Your Tribe Consciously 

Throughout our lives, we encounter many people. Some we hold close, and others move on.

Karen always reminds me people are with us in our journey of life for reasons or seasons. I am grateful for those who showed me the reasons but hold those close who remain with me throughout the seasons.

As we grow, we change. Some people may disappoint us in their response to our growth.

We must remember it is our growth, not theirs.

Growing may mean letting some people go and that is ok. You are ok. What you are feeling is normal. You do not need to judge your feelings.

Choose your tribe members who support you, challenge you, embrace you, and love you throughout. People who you learn from and feel the belonging and assurance of a reciprocal relationship.

Self-Love Means Choosing Your Narrative

When my dad was in palliative care, he feared the imminent death he faced.

He asked me if I am ok. I said, “Daddy, close your eyes and remember us sitting in the boat on a sunny day. Hear the water, feel the sunshine.”

He closed his eyes and smiled. “Smell the fresh air of the north. Do you see it?”. He replied, “Yes baby girl.”. I said, “Daddy when I miss you, I can love you from here”. He nodded, hugged me and we continued with our day.

This is the thing, we will lose people and we will let people go, and we can love them from here.

Choose the people you want around you and invest in your relationships with those who get this. Hanging on, trying to prove your worth, and giving without reciprocation, are all indicators you may find value in spending some time within to see what you are needing in your relationships.

None of us do anything because of someone else.

We all behave based on what we need. It’s not about you, and it’s not about me. Remember this, please.

After taking the time you need to reflect and once you are clear, go and find your tribe. They are out there waiting for you!

Happy Birthday to ME (2021)
Enjoying brunch at home with friends.
Murphy and I enjoyed catching up with a friend over pizza.

Self-Love Means When the World Falls Apart Put Yourself Together 

In 2020 I spent 17 weeks in isolation with no physical human contact. This was life-changing.

In 2022, I spent 12 more weeks for good measure in limited isolation with access to our garden to take Cathy, our golden retriever, out for her bathroom breaks.

I must say, my time in 2020 prepared me and the second time around I didn’t feel the fear and angst I did the first time around.

I was prepared in mind, body, and spirit. I had time to order groceries and supplies, I was able to get fresh air a few times a day, and Cathy and I learned the discipline to climb six flights of stairs to burn off excess energy.

The lesson in these experiences is we need to adapt when the world is falling apart around us.

This period of my life allowed me to go within and clear out what was no longer needed so I could be open to receiving what was waiting for me.

Being isolated from human physical contact gave me a deeper appreciation for my spiritual practice. Leaning on my elder’s teachings and ancestors with smudge and prayer each day helped me to keep focused on living in the moment and reminded me it is all a moment in time and I will pass through.

Sometimes when prayer wasn’t enough, I learned to pick up the phone and say, “I don’t know if I am going to make it.”. Reaching out when we are scared and vulnerable takes courage.

Knowing our tribe helps to ease the process of asking others for help in our darkest moments.

Self-Love Means Choosing How You Spend Your Time

My soul sisters and brothers and I invested in hours-long FaceTime calls during this time. I am grateful beyond words. My experiences abroad at this time in our world have given me a deeper appreciation for those around me, especially those of you who rallied around me in my darkest times. FaceTime calls, text messages, blog comments, and emails have warmed my heart and reminded me I am loved and my tribe is with me always. 

FaceTime calls with my baby girl.

Lifelong Learning is a Lifeline

Investing in yourself with both tangible and intangible assets creates value and confidence you will not find by any other means.

My experiences in China showed me I still have a lot to learn. Moving to a foreign land with a different culture, language, and way of life put me in a classroom.

Simple day-to-day tasks like getting mail, ordering food, setting up a bank account, doing banking, buying a SIM card, and visiting a doctor were new to me.

I needed to fast-track my learning, acceptance, and resilience in order to survive.

Self-Love Means Choosing a Growth Mindset

People have told me that once you spend one year in China, you will make it.

I am now in year four and know what they meant by that statement.

No one consistently speaks English here. Especially in Hainan. Learning Chinese pinyin and characters is essential to communicate and feeling connected to the community around me.

Now that the MEd. is done, I will continue to take Chinese classes. I do feel confident when I am speaking Chinese in the community, even with my Chinglish errors.

I can make purchases, request medical care and prescriptions, shop in the markets, order food in restaurants, answer and respond to telephone calls and text messages, and communicate my address to delivery people.

I have much more to learn as I believe learning Chinese is a lifelong adventure. My proficiency is a beginner at best, yet I feel connected and understood. 

Self-love time in Beijing, China.

Choosing Love Opens You up to Being Love 

On my self-love journey, I continue to learn about being love.

Shedding old karmic systems of beliefs is important in this process to get to the root of your being.

Being away from my loved ones and periods of isolation provided me with the perfect opportunity to reconnect with myself. In the spirit of seizing the moment, although unintentionally, I was forced to decide if I was willing to choose love for myself.

I could either lay down and give up, or I could dive in and learn how to love myself wholly.

Exploring all parts of myself was essential to deciding what to keep doing and what to let go of. It was a painful time of clearing out the clutter of past lives I lived. In the end, it was the greatest gift I could only have given to myself.

Feeling love and light in Hainan, China.

Self-Love Means Choosing to See Love

I learned how to see love around me, how to reframe my perception of love, and how to be open to receiving the love I had longed for.

Love is in the fabric of my family relationships, friendships, work relationships, and now in my intimate relationship.

Shifting from wanting love to being love opens us up to attracting what we desire in this life. Connection, belonging, and security. This is my recipe for how to love and be love. These three key ingredients provide a foundation for all relationships, starting with your relationship with yourself.

My Little Prince loves to blow kisses!
My girls loving up our FaceTime call.

Self-Love Means Choosing a Self-Love Practice

We all need a method to mediate our relationships with ourselves. I used painting.

Creating paintings was my time to immerse myself in art and music. I would put on my most comfortable jammies with my playlist on a Bluetooth speaker and sing my heart out while I painted.

This process was therapeutic and cathartic. Looking back now, and reviewing my personal masterpieces, I can see not only what I was experiencing at the time of creating each painting, but how my painting craft has evolved over the past three years.

‘Isolated’ by Suzanne Marie (2020)
‘Let the Light In’ by Suzanne Marie (2021)
‘Transformation’ by Suzanne Marie
‘Boo Bear’ by Suzanne Marie
‘Union’ by Suzanne Marie
’18’ by Suzanne Marie

Moment after moment I was surprised and thrilled with how becoming aligned with our truest selves, while grounded in these three foundation blocks, manifested what I had been waiting for.

Taking my time to consciously look at every possibility presented to me, I was able to see what and who I wanted to spend my time with very clearly.

Being love puts us into a state of light.

Murphy and I enjoying our date night out on the town in Haikou, China.

Self-Love Means Recognizing Love in Others

Others who shine the light within us will be presented in our lives and we will recognize them when we see them. It genuinely makes us feel like our sunshine has quadrupled being around them.

Doc (Murphy) is my mirrored source of light. When we met it was unexpected. Neither one of us thought we would randomly meet someone at a medical clinic at the Visa office who would become our person.

I was spiralling after receiving my medical results and learning the name of the congenital heart issue I live with. Although minor in nature, it was devastating for me at the time as I was so scared to have to give up my life abroad at some point because of a health issue.

Murphy and I enjoying a meal together at one of our favorite spots.

In a random act of sharing our contact information, he taught me about it as he told me only after the fact he is a physician and surgeon on residency to specialize in cardio thoracic surgery.

What are the odds? In China, we add people on WeChat almost daily, and here we were chatting with each other and he is specializing in the heart.

We developed a beautiful friendship over weeks of talking about our passions, what brings us joy, our goals, what we want to learn, and our interests.

We spent time with friends, danced the nights away, played cards, watched NFL football, and shared experiences together.

Murphy and I enjoying time at the beach together.

Self-Love Means Courageously Following Your Heart

Following one weekend when I went away for the night to another city, I realized how much I missed being around Murphy.

My mind was upside down with questions about why I missed him so much. Looking back, it was funny because he had previously asked me if I was interested in dating and I said I wanted to be friends. I wasn’t ready.

His response was to be around me in whatever form I wanted because he valued me and enjoyed our time together.

Our friends kept asking me what I was afraid of and why I was waiting for someone when someone is right in front of me. “What are you waiting for?” , “What are you afraid of?”, “He adores you!”

The funny part was now I had to be the one to share that I wanted more for our relationship and I was terrified. I was faced with another choice. To choose love and be love or chose to continue to believe this kind of love is for other people.

Murphy and I enjoyed our Christmas together in Haikou, Hainan.

We decided to begin this journey together three years ago and each day I am so happy to not only be in love with Murphy but to be love with Murphy.

He and I have both done our internal work to live in a state of self-love. We speak the same language, and our spirituality intersects with a solid belief that our ancestors are in everything. 

Choosing love and being love is not about a relationship. Choosing love during our days opens us up to knowing love when we see love in all aspects of our lives.

Self-Love Means Setting Boundaries

In our union, Murphy and I are clear about our boundaries for what our “self” needs first.

Starting with a foundation of core values guiding our personal lives, we are able to intersect our core values and boundaries with the life we aspire to live together.

Looking at our relationship as an entity on its own helps us each to check in with each other and our relationship needs. I am grateful as we are each consciously aware of the two living entities we are responsible for: self and relationship.

Spoiler alert: this type of living is a load of work.

I will say, when we choose love, choose our tribe, put ourselves together, and adopt a growth mindset to keep learning, we are on a trajectory of transformation to becoming love.

Thanks for stopping by!

Until next time, 

Suzanne

Further Reading

‘Eat, Pray, Love’ (Gilbert, 2007)

Deepak Chopra Resources

Brene Brown Resources

Boyce Avenue Music

Music for Body and Spirit

50 Best Smoothie Recipes

Gaia (Yoga)

Gaim (Yoga)

Bodytorc

Yoga With Adriene (30-Day Yoga Challenge)